49

Bob Dylan sang of "days of 49", Ernest Hemingway had a collection: the first forty-nine stories, john Travolta acted in "Ladder 49", and I turn 49 today.

49 is a nice number for the telephone country code of Germany (perhaps next year's World Cup winner) but it is not a number I had prepared to have hung on me. 49 is supposed to be my father's age, but now I am stuck on these elevated number and everything they mean.

I have loads of stories to reveal about how aging feels to me -physically, mentally and emotionally. But I'd rather share how poet Robert Browning puts it:

grow old along with me
The best is yet to come!

I want satisfaction

I have to admit. I don't have a very balanced life. Some weeks are busier than others and those weeks lack balance. The good news is I now know I don't seek balance. What I want is satisfaction. 

It is impossible to separate personal from professional satisfaction. Corporate efforts to have employees leave their personal lives at home never work.

If you have a sick child at home, you will be distracted and to some extent disengaged from work. If you are under enormous pressure at work, you bring that stress home with you, and everyone can sense that...even your dog.

Inspire others

Nick Vujivic recently spoke in Singapore.

I personally think it's important to constantly be on the lookout for inspiration. I read books, watch movies, and watch program's about people who are doing gat things.

When I see someone like Nick in his element, that puts things into perspective. If  Nick could find a positive sense of purpose out of his tremendous personal challenge, then each of us can learn from him.

As leaders, having a strong sense of our own purpose attracts others and allows us to build great organizations. After all, true leadership is not so much about what is in your head as about what is in our heart and how you use that to inspire others to greatness.

The things that matters

"Before you wonder am I doing things right? Ask am I doings the right things?

That was the crux of the message at the 9+3 review meeting yesterday. 

The are times when life bears down on us like an unrelenting storm. I have been through such times during my 48 years, battered in both ,y professional and personal life. Now I know I can come back from those depths, wiser in life and more focused on the things that are most important to me. Too often we are focused on the wrong things.

When we invest out love and time and attention with our loved ones it pays back the greatest dividends. When we don't we risk losing something valuable.

Building a sales team

"Please find attached five resumes for your review" the email from Chui came with five attachments

Thee is a striking similarity between building a sales team and building a sports team. Consideration must be given to the interaction of the team.

The best goal scorer who ever lived will fail if he does not have the midfield or wingers to supply him with passes and crosses. Many great goalkeepers did not become great if they do not have the defensive line in front of him.

So as we look at building a sales team, we must look not simply at what each person can or can't do, but how each person fits into the team - and fits into the game plan that the team is supposed to implement.

If work is fun, it's not work anymore

One of the takeaway of the Impact Leadership training the past three days was the secret of good work is good play.

We ae now permanently wired to our work, wherever we are. Even on vacation we're tethered to hand phones, tablets and laptops. At the rate corporate Singapore is working, our inner reservoir of spirit doesn't refill and soon we are running on empty. When times get tough, the body may be willing but the spirit is out to lunch. 

I try to instill fun in everything we do in the office. The fact is having fun with your friends creates infinitely more social glue than awards and incentives will ever provide. We aren't afraid to loosen up, make the best of what had to be done, and share fun with everyone.

Impact of trust

"When trust is broken" screamed the title of the article in the New York Times International Weekly yesterday. "You may have heard that love makes the world go round. But more likely, it's trust." The article started.

Trust can accelerate and mistrust can destroy any business, organisation or relationship. No matter what our role is, trust affects our influence and success. Those who are trusted are effective. Without trust, leaders lose teams.

Trust implies being reliable, dependable and capable. I have confident the chair I am sitting on can and will hold me. I don't have to waste time checking its capacity. I don't worry that it will drop me.

In a climate of trust, people are more captive, motivated, productive and willing to sacrifice for the team.

Tears for fears

"I'm going to spend 6 days in Kona with my two sons after this Bangkok trip. They don't come back to Boston very much these days," Norma reflected during the dinner.

Kids tend to be unrealistically blase - they think that nothing bad can happen to them. Adults tend to be unrealistically fearful. The truth lies somewhere between. 

I always try to emphasise positive messages to ACE that I love him and want him to care for himself effectively. I try to let go of him - but slowly.

Low carb diet

"I lost 8 kg this year alone due to stress at work," Brendan declared, jest fully comparing his workplace to a slimming centre.

Like many health-conscious Singaporean, I get an annual physical examination when my doctor gives me valuable advice about moderating my diet and exercising more, after which I go have some bak kit the with lots of you tiao to celebrate the fact that I am not dead yet.

Because of changing technology, most of us have jobs that don't require us to even break a sweat, much less actually perform difficult manual tasks. In not-so-ancient times, plowing fields burns more calories than anything you do in the office, even if you count the aerobic activity of adding paper to the photocopier.

Most people I know have failed at their dieting efforts. Thankfully, there's now the low-carb diet craze.

The day will come

"I miss my son," a new NS mum lamented 

The day will come when our children will finally, actually, officially, permanently and irrevocably leave home. We will be left with a host of memories, photos and lego sculptures we have been saving for years. It never gets easier. It gets difFerent, but not easier.

I don't know what the future holds for my son. I have hopes and dreams for him, but God has not given me a glimpse into the future. God never promised us smooth sailing through the sea of life. He only promised to be with us in the boat.

Love wins out - always

ACE had a medical setback yesterday.

In practical terms, love instills the will to persist when the going gets so tough that any "reasonable" person would quit. I see this demonstrated many many times when a child is seriously ill or terribly injured in an accident and mum and dad lovingly invests countless hours over a period of months - even years - in an effort to comfort and hopefully restore him to mental and physical health.

Love wins out - always.

Empathy

"I am going to get my belongings back. It's over between us," Wei Wei murmured.

True love is about making the effort to understand the different world a loved one inhabits and to respect the individuality within it.  This is because we are all very complicated. Everything we do, say and think is tied up with the experiences of our entire lives. Because you are an individual, no one will ever know what it is like to be you.

Do-gooder

ACE participated in his second last Community Service Project today. Next Saturday will be the last session to the senior citizen home in the 2-month project.

I believe such activity can give my teenager a sense of worth and belonging. I believe no one in his group will forget the Saturdays of these past two months. Each became more of a man because of those Saturdays.

It's important we take the "do-gooder" energies and build human contact instead of just chequebook approaches to making our kid's lives richer.

No commitment in the world like having children

My cousin Fabian just became a parent for the 5th time. Another cousin Bernie is going to be a parent for the 1st time.

The is no commitment in the world like having children.I have shown ACE constant attention, faith and love. Like all parents since Adam and Eve, I have made mistakes; but I've learned from them, I've learned from ACE and we've grown together.

Brick by brick, step by step

"I would have finished paying out all my card debts by the end of this year," cuz said with a sense of relief.

Many years ago I went through a tough time financially. I was in debt, I had a family to support, so I ended up doing free lance training in addition to my full time job. I did whatever I could to make a few dollars. I handled what was in front of me, and stayed open to opportunities. I lived hand-to-mouth, one month at a time.

The question always is...what are you willing to do to improve your circumstances. I have proven that our lives can and will change when we take responsibility for choices we have made - in our education, our relationships and our lives - and begin the work necessary to better our situation.

God helps those who help themselves. Your ship can't come in until you've sent it out. Climb out of your hole, and then climb up your mountain. The harder you work, the higher you go - and the higher you ascend, the better the view. Build your life, brick by brick, step by step. 

The 21st century sales leader

"My DOS is the best. She yells, shouts, and kick ass and gets things done" CD proudly announced.

Managing people has perhaps never been a more daunting task in the midst of a modern scheme filled with endless possibilities and opportunities.

As a conductor in the orchestra is dependent on the musicians, so too the sales leader in the twenty-first century is largely dependent on his/her team members. I noticed the most effective sales leaders are those who find ways to advance the organisation, while at the same time helping the team members to advance personally and professionally. 

If a leader attempts to advance the organisation to the detriment of the team members' purpose, it will hurt both associate and company.

Fuse getting longer

I watched the movie "42" yesterday inboard SQ865. The movie was about Jackie Robinson a negro baseball player who never takes racism lying down. He became the first African American Major League player. He struggles against his nature to endure unrelenting racist hostility on and off the pitch from players and fan alike.

As a teenager I had quite a temper. They called me the executioner on the football field. I took myself too seriously and would lose my temper at the drop of a hat. I would throw stuff, bang flipchart boards down and yes, scream and shout. I look back now and wondered where that person went.

I had mentors at work who taught me the way of character and the power of virtue in our lives. Over the years I developed in mind me heart, increasing my self-control. My fuse was getting longer. I am working to be a man who walks calmly, thinks calmly and acts calmly, even under pressure - especially under pressure.

An incredibly important introspection

"Paul, we all want to live the kind of life you are living," Swee Ain confessed while Alfred sang Streets of London in Stones Pub.

After further probing, I found out that he said what he said because through his lens, I m a person who seems to have the Midas touch...someone that others want to be around. He sees me as a person who is fun, happy and exciting.

In reflection, I realised the catalyst - the simple wisdom - that had shaped my life was something someone had once given me. I used to (and still do) ask myself regularly, "What is it about me that other people would want to change if they could?"

I check myself in many areas. What is it about the way I dress that other people would want to change if they could? What is it about the way I act that other people would want to change if they could? What is it about the way i talk that other people would want to change if they could?

This is an incredibly important introspection.

Personal development plan

I started mid-year Personal Development Plan discussions with my team members yesterday.

I have seen many sales people who often fall prey to the trap of not placing priority on their personal development, which can be a career buster. Some I know are too busy doing more urgent things, others place an overreliance on their boss or their organization for their development. And some others simply don't give their personal development a great deal of thought.

Take it from me: do not count on your boss or organization, because in the end no one cares about your career development as much as you should and do. No one!

Developing yourself is critically important to long-term career success and better results, so make it one of your priorities. You simply must keep your skills in tune with the growing demands of your job to keep your career on track and to help you sleep better at night.

The simple act of praise

The cabin crew on SQ910 was elegant, stylish, good looking, articulated and tall. I told her that while I shuffled past her while disembarking, adding "they should start  hire people like you again."

Having been brought up in my early selling years to crack the whip, I now know that a pat on the back accomplishes more than a slap on the face. Do not underestimate the impact a simple act of praise can have on the lives of others.....a mentor who died suddenly at the age of 59 said not to forget how important it is to compliment and praise others so we can never feel sorry for something left unsaid.

putting things in perspectives

The email from my cardio read..."Exercise stress test looks good. Echocardiogram is normal. Continue with current medications. To prevent future cardiac events, it is important to continue with current medications and learn to relax."

Since my ctca showed 60% narrowing of my arteries, I have been going on a series of tests. In reality, I probably found more hope than I had when I got my ctca results.

The few weeks' trauma seemed to put things into perpectives and help me realize that of all the things that grab for my attention on a daily basis, it is my faith and my loved ones that hold the most importance.

In many ways, I've made some good choices in my life and I've made some choices that were not so good. I'm proud of some of the things I've done and ashamed of some of the things I've done. But in the midst of it all, God has been at work in my life. That's enough for me.

If...

We went through a series of "If..." questions during our team trip to Phuket recently.

To me, one way to boost positive energy is to think about life and work as a daily adventure. I know that adopting a fresh, playful approach guarantees nothing. But it does wake me up and make life and work more livable - even fun.

If I Had My Life to Live Over


I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax. I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.
I would take more trips.
I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and less beans.

I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd
have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly
and sanely hour after hour, day after day.

Oh, I've had my moments and if I had it to do over
again, I'd have more of them. In fact,
I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments.

One after another, instead of living so many
years ahead of each day.

I've been one of those people who never go anywhere
without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat
and a parachute.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot
earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.

If I had it to do again, I would travel lighter next time.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.

If I had to do it all over again.
But you see, I don't.


By Nadine Stair (age 85)

Moving on

Last week I went with my parents to view a house which they are planning to move into. Later that afternoon, I spent some time poking into drawers, corners and envelopes filled with years full of stuff. I sorted through and threw away many of the artifacts of my past. Some other things need to be kept and treasured.

As I read some of the letters and looked at some old photos, I compared my life now with what it was then. How it has changed.

One day of slowing down and handling both types of artifacts forced me to reflect on the various seasons of my life. Maybe we shouldn't wait for a move to do that.

To be the best-version of ourselves

12 forty niners from Saints81 congregated in JB last night.

The bulk of the focus of the night was doing and having. 9 times out of 10 the question was, "What do you do?" and "how many children do you have?"

What we do in the span of our lives  may bring us financial rewards, status, fame, power and unimaginable possessions, but lasting happiness and fulfillment are not by-products of doing and having.

I believe who we become is infinitely more important than what we do or what we have.

In the words of Robert Louis Stevenson, "To be what we are, and to become what we are capable of becoming, is the only end of life."

Standing (from left: Vipu, Basil, Thulasi, Kim Long, Thiru, Soma, Benjamin)
Seated(from left: Michael, Thiagarajan, richard, Jaya)

Preventing CVD

From the images of my CTCA, through my layman's eyes, my coronary arteries looked like rosary beads.

I've always thought that cholesterol was the bogeyman of CVD. Yet my cholesterol levels has been in a good place the past few years. Taking a cue from the proactive Angelina Jolie, I will chase all avenues to prevent CVD from developing.

Lifestyle, medication and nutritional supplements, even surgery perhaps. I will be an information hound. For sure, i will develop an absolutely artery-friendly diet and increase my hours in the gym.

Law of attraction at work

"Imagining that you are single, what are the qualities you would like your ideal partner to possess?" Kelly surveyed.

Many in the group murmured...I already have a relationship and I am stuck in it, so what's the point of imagining that I am single?

Come to think of it, it's still a good exercise anyway.

Most people have a very clear idea of what they don't want in a partner, but find it hard to describe what they do want. But the more we are able to describe what we are looking for, the better our chances of attracting that to our relationship.

Have you ever noticed that when you are thinking of buying a particular car, you start to see that car everywhere? Once we know what we are looking for, you will be amazed how quickly it appears.

Facing the right demands

We had steak in Jack's Place last night. Because it was also Mother's Day weekend, we couldn't seem to get the server's attention. The server is scurrying all around us, but for some reason we can't catch his eye.

There are some sales people I know who are just like this incompetent server. They refuse to take the responsibility for hearing what's needed from them by their associates.

I know it's a cliche, but it's still good advice: make the time in quiet moments off the job to think hard and be imaginative in finding ways that put your gifts and values into play on what your organization wants done. Do this right and people will stay out of your way! They'll want you to do what you do best.

14

ACE celebrates his 14th birthday today!

At this stage, he is beginning to argue and express his unique and different opinions. Even when I don't agree with his point of view, I at least appreciate his logic.

This, i believe, is an important stage of his development. He especially needs the freedom to think differently and form his own opinions.

Parenting has always been a challenge. Although it takes extra time in the beginning to learn, it is well worth it.

By giving ACE the freedom to discover and express his true self, I hope to give him the gift of greatness. I pray he grows up confident, cooperative and compassionate.

Ritualize it

"I’ve made it such a habit, it’s like brushing my teeth," Gwyneth Paltrow recently spoke about her workout routine while promoting Iron Man 3.

I, too had new routines and regiments in place.

So many of those things we learned growing up - with our parents creating morning rituals to develop good habits in us - frankly we kind of lose that when we get older and more stressed

Once I rediscovered what mattered to me, I felt a huge burst of strength and i was able to stick to my new routine because I began to ritualize it. I was able to follow through on my commitment, easily, even joyfully, without falling back because purpose fueled the change.

Communicate that vision

"By the time you get to the top, you are expected to have a vision and to know how to communicate that vision," Brian pointed out.

I have seen leaders who don't make it because they are not strategic enough....they were either too tactical, too operational, too narrow minded or too conservative. One of the fundamental flaws with leaders is they are too busy doing and not leading.

Then there are people who are brilliant at developing a point of view but can't articulate it even with all the help in the world.

Second adulthood

"Though the work makes you very busy, as long as you're happy, that's the most important thing," Clement said philosophically on the phone.

When I moved from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore in June 2005, it was an opportunity to have a new beginning, a clean slate. I have a second adulthood ahead of me.

8 years down the road, I have to confess that this is my favourite time of life. I love making the business at my work place grow, seeing the production numbers increase, and adding to the value of the company I work in.

These 8 years has been a great epic journey of mature life and everyday itself is its own dividend. Returns on investment, returns on relationship, returns on effort. Sure it's a risk. But with risk comes adventure.

Now that I have identified my mainspring, I can choose to give myself in a focused way to that which supports my mission. That is immeasurably liberating. I also have built up some reserve to provide security. I have a much larger knowledge base, a network. I know how to work smarter versus working harder and all these resources make this time of my life better. I also know how to play through pain...things that might laid me low 10 years ago, is not as devastating to me. I'm tougher, mentally. That's a tremendous comfort as I head out into the unknown.

The International negotiator

"As you know the middle east market is one of our key feeder markets so I will be in Dubai attending ATM," so reads the email from anna Olsson yesterday.

This post is by way of a short salutation to the men and women who go out at all times of the year and negotiateto get the business that their company depends upon. Undertaking business abroad is no easy task and it takes a special breed of executive who is willing to fly off to a distant land and negotiate on behalf of their company. The international negotiator is one of the great unsung heroes of modern times.

Every year hundreds and thousands of new faces join the ranks and try their best to extend their company's business or hold on to what it has already.

The best of the breed of international business negotiators have one thing in common...we get used to the idea of being a foreigner. There is no substitute for a little national humility. We accept our place as a foreigner in the order of things and this means above all that the world neither owes our country a living nor does it necessarily owe it a good turn. We learn about the manners and customs of the people with whom we do business with. We do not assume that anything that is quite acceptable in our culture is necessarily acceptable in all other cultures.

We happy few

I held our 3+9 review meeting with the team yesterday.

I strongly say and believe that a leader needs to foster an esprit de corps team spirit, because although a team is made up of individuals, in order to be high-performing, these individuals must be directed ot a common goal. And in the crush of the battle, he/she will risk death or die for the small group of team members with whom he/she had shared goals and experience.

As Shakespeare would say in Henry V..."We few, we happy few, we band of brothers....."

Give thanks and be grateful

"You should count your blessings," OE advised.

Today is Easter Sunday. A day for some quiet time to give thanks.

As individuals we are all so unique and different, but we are bound together by a common thread - regardess of our age or the colour of our skin of the city we live in - we all yearn for happiness.

In our search for happiness, we often do things that we think will make us happy. Some of these may offer moments of happiness, but they end too soon and our quest for lasting happiness continues.

Today is Easter Sunday. A day for some quiet time to give thanks, and be grateful for all that we have and all that the future holds.

Set out to enjoy

One of the areas of the Observer Assessment for Avril which I had to rate was "perfectionism"

I find that if I set out to enjoy, I actually do a better job than if I was determined to make it perfect.

As I keep reminding ACE - that if he sets the dials of his mind to enjoy the classes as much as he can, I bet the results will surprise him. I try to get my team to do their work with as much enjoyment as possible. Through experience, there would be an improvement in their performance.

Setting out to achieve perfection, by contrast, will become stressful and demoralizing. The end result will probably be discouragement.

Be authentic

One key message which was repeatedly mentioned at the recent SRM conference was about being authentic.

Mean what you say and say what you mean. Appearing to hide something breeds skepticism.  Being candid, whether it is about business performance levels or hard economic conditions, puts your team members on the same page and builds trust.

Some leaders withhold bad news because they are more worried about being liked than dealing with issues that affect everyone. Those who are frank and transparent become trusted, and the team remains unified. Frankness and authenticity inspires.

Corporate athlete

I completed 4 workouts on my abs today and cycled for 16 minutes on a stationery bike. Shirley yogas. Clarice cycles. Minte runs.

We've all heard the basic rules of peak performance: get the proper amount of rest, eat a good diet and exercise. Somehow many top leaders think they do not need what the rest of us mere mortals must have to be at their best. Virtually many whom I know drive on relentlessly - irrespective of how their energy levels work.

As I type this, the manchester united vs reading game is about to kick off. These professional footballers are extra-attentive to what works and what doesn't work in terms of driving themselves. No athlete would dream of driving hard all the time. They know they would risk burnout.

After all, we only have only one life. Without our health, we have nothing.

Success meaningless without failure

Marriott international gave me a Seizing the Future award in Washington DC last month.

That was a high point in my career and life. That achievement and recognition came at the end of a year when I'd endured many low points.

I strongly believe that if we really want to perform well, we can't be conscientious - it prevents us from thinking like an artist. To make a mistake and then worry about it and sit down and figure out what went wrong and spend the rest of our Ives apologising for it is lack of confidence.

Many I know are concerned with perfection. Conservative ones are quick to calculate risks and get terrified by them. They look at me like I'm a madman.

Why do some look at failure, disappointment and loss as the unthinkable, instead of regarding them as among life's most fundamental experiences? If you've never been discouraged in life, I know one thing for sure about you - you're not a very big dreamer. You can't enjoy bright days without the frame of reference of darker ones; success is meaningless without failure

Don't just hope...

Less than a week ago, my Uncle Lawrence died after an 8-month battle with the tyrant we call cancer. He was extraordinary in the very ordinary things of life. The world is richer, and a better place, because he lived.

There is a memory that refuses to leave me. With my cousin, I was a pallbearer - pushing his coffin in the church. A couple of images etched themselves in my mind at that moment.

The last image I have of him, is one of him laughing at my home during the Chinese New year reunion dinner. Another image is one of his excitement when we were planning that reunion dinner on Chirstmas Day in Kuala Lumpur. I treasure those memories now that he is gone.

His dying has taught me one lesson: take time to get to know the people you love, deeply, for one day they will no longer be there, and when that day comes we will all wish we had known them better. Great relationships don't come to those who hope for them. Hope is worthless unless coupled with real effort. Great relationships belong to those who decide to put in effort and make them a priority. Don't just hope...decide!

An extraordinary journey

Tomorrow I will attend my uncle's requiem service.

For the past 8 months, I have observed my cousins' travelling an extraordinary road together as they journeyed toward the final moments of Unc Lawrence. Extraordinary because it is not an uncommon path. To e contrary, it is a universal path.  It has been an extraordinary journey because they have had no map, yet they were tightly bound by their biological links. And because none of them knew exactly how to get where they were going.

It has been a rough trip. They have open wounds. They have scars. And they have memories. At times, travelling with a cancer-stricken parent seem like a forced march.

But I salute Barb and Fabian because they have dealt with the roadblocks, followed the detours, found the route, and made this trip together.

Now, this is a healing time for them.

Balance begins with the breath

I tried yoga for the 1st time just before Chinese new year. We did a lot of balancing...starting by standing on 1 leg.

I relfected about the importance of balance in the natural order of life. Inner balance...inner peace.

Now i understand that balance begins with the breath. Taking in and letting go are the primal rhytms of life.

Last week, when I felt extreme anger and sorrow, I breathed deeply to find my balance.

Overwork doesn't work

75% of respondents in a Gallup poll said their personal lives suffered because of their ever-increasing work schedules.

The danger of these working marathon days is premature breakdown. Any engine that is constantly running will burn out. Even Arnold schwarzenegger advised against working the same muscle groups 2 days in a row. They need rest to recuperate. It's the same story with rhe mind. Overwork our "mental muscle" and we will lose our sharpness.

I believe it's better to pack it in when I am tired and come back early in the morning. I find that I work faster when i am fresh and think more creatively. And my mood will be far better.

Overwork doesn't work.

Kick Off

Our Kick Off Meeting happens this coming Thursday...

In today's environment, competitive advantage lies not in machines or patents but in people, people who will improvise and innovate and invest themselves personally in their companies.Committed associates will do their best for us even when we're not looking, which is especially true in the sales arena.

To that end, I always try to foster 2-way communication, to create feelings of family and "oneness", to recruiting associates who could be developed for the long haul and to helping them become all they could be.

from left: Shirley, Clarice, Avril

State of mind

"Is taking this job a mistake," an old friend consulted me.

Here's my take: You can't let the failure outside you get inside you.

Just like... you certainly can't control the length of your lfe - but you can control its width and depth.
Just like...you can't control the contour of your face - but you can control its expressions.

A personal growth expert says, "90% of all those who fail, are not actually defeated. They simply quit."

Talent and intelligence doesn't quite count here. It calls for character.

No lonelier decision

Should he undergo an angiogram and angioplasty which he might not survive? Or should he not undergo one and may not make it to the hospital on time the next flare-up?

Today, my dad is alive - very ill, but alive. As I prepare to visit him tomorrow in the hospital, I am overwhelmed by the doubt and pain of addressing the above life-and-death decision. Tomorrow's discussion with mum, Ben and dad will hopefully spare me the agony of wondering if I've made the right decision.

I think there is no lonelier decision to make in this world than the one that might lead a parent (or any loved one) to die. I pray with all my heart to spare my child this agony.

I have decided that I will live with whatever decision my dad makes...if he chooses to make it. If he doesn't then it is mine to make and mine to live with. And i hope that on the other side of this decision, both my dad and I will find peace. I think I am ready.

The seesaw

It's hard to feel any real balance in your life when a parent is critically ill. Try as you might to focus on work and other responsibilities, there is an irresistible pull that draws you into caregiving and decision making.

It has been a poignant and difficult week for me.Dad is gravely ill. At times like this, a bbm from a friend spoke volumes.

After a week, from New year's Eve till today - Monday to Monday - I am in limbo. Doctor wanted to see me this evening to discuss about doing an angiogram. A procedure, that in itself, might even kill him in this weakened state.

We straddle the fulcrum, shifting our weights and roles as the times demand; one moment we are workers, another we are sons andaughters and still another, we are parents, lovers and friends. Evryone does this. It's just that this week, I spent a great deal of time focused on being the child of my fragile father. And that made it very, very hard to keep the seesaw level.

We choose

My dad and his brothers are under the weather. Dad's in hospital with a weak lung, liver and heart failure. His brother Paul is fighting lung infection and his other brother Lawrence is battling the c-word.

Everything is a choice. This is life's greatest truth and hardest lesson.

It is a great truth because it means we have power to live the life we imagine. It is a hard lesson, because we have chosen the life we are living right now.

We have chosen the food we eat, the clothes we wear, the thoughts we think. We have chosen to believe certain ideas. We have chosen the people we call friends.

We chose, and in doing so, we design our lives. Some may say that we do not choose our circumstances. You'd be surprised. If we choose to smoke, we may hurt our lungs. If we choose to be obese, we have hurt our liver.

Life is choices. Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
We choose.