Being true to me

Of all the regrets of the dying, the regret of not having lived a life true to themselves was the most common.

I too, wanted to do things for me and I just didn't have the courage. This is because of my need for affirmation, encouragement and acceptance and the need to belong. And for decades, I carried on with the life expected of me, the whole time, knowing there was something else waiting but not having the courage to seek it.

During my twenties and thirties, I was having a lot of fun. Those decades had been hard for me. Somehow I survived that time though. Looking back, I have no idea how. An example of being influenced by the surrounding environment is watching down-to-earth and already happy people get caught up in the chase for more, more, more after a job promotion. Sometimes this will bring happiness, sure, but not always.

Experience has taught me that I am not alone in all of this. Our desire to please is innate, be it our parents, children, friends, colleagues, boss, spouse. Another thing I learned is that we will never be happy pretending to be someone other than ourselves. On too many occasions to count, and in ways too embarrassing to recall, I have tried to impress people by pretending to be someone other than who I really am.

They say though that we do more to avoid pain than we do to gain pleasure. So it is when the pain becomes too much that we finally find the courage to make changes. I now resolve to be true to myself, be brave enough to live and work the way I want to, regardless of what other people say.

It was time to do things differently. It was time to choose a different way, to speak up and say "enough." After speaking up, things started to change within myself. I grew stronger in self-respect and clearer in self-expression. Some new and healthier seeds had finally been sown. It was time to start living and working as who I wanted to be, one small step at a time.

Another step forward is also to acknowledge my imperfections. I may not be a details person. It's not necessarily a defect. It is just part of who I am. This is not to say I am negligent of my commitments, and to some extent, I strive to improve my ability to manage details. But I also surround myself with people who thrive on taking care of the details.

Think of it this way: a tree does not try to make all its branches straight. And yet it does change and grow over time. The answer, for us, is to try to live in that delicate balance between striving to improve in character while celebrating our unique personality and talents.

Life is not about doing and having; it is about becoming. Not to become some poor imitation of our parents, our friends, our siblings, or our colleagues and boss - but to become the best-version-of-ourselves.

Fire your people up, not flame them off

"Feeling like production units instead of like people." "Being treated like machines." The executives of a leading tech company who prided themselves on caring for their employees, discovered they were ineffective leaders in a staff survey. Imagine the shock.

Here's the million-dollar question: As leaders, do we treat our internal customers and team members with as much respect as senior executives and customers?

I remember when I was just starting out, it seemed to me that the guys with the fancy titles really had power. I thought if I ever made it to leadership, I would be king of the world. 

In a recent survey findings, there was a very simple consensus: No one wants to work for or with someone that they consider to be a jerk! There is no gentle or easy way to say it. Jerkish behaviors or attitudes that destroy leader effectiveness include self-interest, treating people with disrespect and contempt, winning at someone else's expense, power trips, being a con artist and manipulator, lying and lacking integrity, talking down to people and never listening and displaying a "me-first" approach to everything. All these things have one thing in common: they flame people off instead of firing people up.

I have made the same mistakes early in my leadership career. I was an autocratic terrorist because I was, as many leaders are, seduced by the allure of control. These are well-intentioned experts who believes he can help all team members rise above their imperfections by teaching them the "one best way."

As a young leader, I thought that I have more control, but in retrospect, I don't. I actually have less control that the people who report to me. Each individual can decide what to do and what not to do. He/She can decide the hows and the whens. All I can do is influence, motivate, berate or cajole in the hope that most of my people will do what I ask of them. This isn't control.

This I firmly believe: Great leaders are smart enough to realize that  their people make the primary difference in any organization. Do not underestimate the bottom-line impact of showing care, empathy and compassion. The two-long standing virtues where this is rooted in are being able to "walk in someone else's shoes and "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Today, perhaps more than ever before, people are examining what they're doing and why they're doing it. Knowing now what I didn't know then, my task as a leader is to inspire my people. The solution is as elegant as it is efficient: Agree on the outcomes and then get out of their way and let each person find his/her own route towards those outcomes.

Too often, people in power just assume that because they are the "leader" everyone will treat them accordingly. But it is one thing to occupy the position of leader and quite another to have the legitimacy to lead. With legitimacy, you can only lead by fear. And fear simple will not enable you to command people who are strong and self-confident. If you are to lead people who have strong and independent spirits, you must win their hearts and minds. There is no better way to win their hearts and minds - and to earn your legitimacy - than by leading from the front. It demonstrates that you are ready to give them everything that you ask from them.

Simon Sinek says it best when he said "Leadership is not about being in charge. Leadership is about taking care of those in your charge."