Dealing with toxic people

Last week was a dark week for the world. It's been a week of terror with horrific events born out of violence in Manchester, Bangkok, Jakarta and Egypt.

There are also people in the office who thinks they are and behaves like kings/queens of their mountain, and they're simultaneously trying to protect them and take over bigger mountains. I'm sure you have known some people who don't root for you unless they know you're dying - and they've seen the lab reports. This is the real world. In this world, we're either the cook or the meat. Real world - no varnish.

Most people know right from wrong. Why don't they do the right thing?

Hurtful people don't go to hell; they are already in hell. That is why they behave as they do. Ultimately no one gets away with anything. Resenting people only allows others to live in our head rent-free.

The point? However it may appear in the short term or on the surface, what goes around always comes around. It doesn't always come back in the same form, or even from the same person. Whether or not one believes in divine justice, the world is a mirror - it reflects, or gives them back, what they put out.

There is a Chinese that describes the way humans operate: before hitting a dog, first identify the owner. If the dog belongs to a wealthy and powerful family, beating such a dog would be unwise. Understanding this concept is vitally important.

Fight fire with...less fire. If Mr or Ms Testosterone try to control the action with their bang-bang play, let them. Or let them think they are. Let them mistake your silence for weakness.

No, I'm not going soft. It's just that I have made some mistakes by fighting fire with fire, and I have paid for them. Now I let karma sort it out. I hope you can learn from my mistakes and avoid the same land mines that I had the misfortune to step on.

 

Accept reality

Disney's relive-action remake of Beauty and the Beast has become the highest-grossing live-action movie musical in history, and taking more than $1.2 billion around the world, making it 2017's highest-grossing film worldwide to date.

Now think of some part of your life that you don't like, can't accept, wish were otherwise.    According to this tale—we must learn to love this very thing we currently hate. Until we do, we are trapped in this prison cell of not accepting our life as it is.  It is only through this kind of acceptance, that we come to appreciate our issues as the gifts they are. 

You see, the source of almost all anger, depression, sadness is a discrepancy between our preferences/desires and our reality. We want something to be one way, but it turns out a different way. We get frustrated. We get upset. 

Maybe you wanted a salary increment. But they decide not to give you one. Maybe you wanted a job. But they decided to give it to another candidate.

Who are we to act so entitled?

It has taken me a few years to learn to catch myself fighting against the reality of the moment, and instead accept reality for what it is, and ultimately be able to be happy and "feel good" without depending on anything - or anyone - to do so.

Perspective is the only thing that can dramatically change the results without changing any of the facts. We can choose how we see things. Without proper perspective, it can lead to cynicism and hopelessness.

Anthony Robbins went so far as to say, "Trade your expectations for appreciation and the world changes instantly." It means to challenge ourselves to find the beauty in the beasts in our lives.

 

Are you making progress?

Futurist Peter Schwartz described Singapore as the "Apple of Nations," favorably comparing Singapore to Apple Inc, famous for its innovation, noting the transformation from the days of unwanted independence into the modern metropolis today.

Am I making progress? Am I a better person today than I was a year ago? Am I happier? More fulfilled? Am I a better parent? child? employee? leader? teammate? colleague? friend? Am I healthier? Am I more financially independent than I was a year ago? Is my work becoming more satisfying?

In my mind, progress is change, however small,  for the better.

For every person, progress would be different. Many people I know feel trapped. Trapped in a job that rarely challenges or constantly frustrates them. Trapped in relationships that are stagnant, if not destructive. Trapped in the consequences of choices made earlier.

Any honest look back will recall things we wish we would have done differently. I have learned to come to terms with them, accepting them as markers from which I learn something valuable for the future.

I used to behave how I feel. Nowadays, I embrace the thought that I can always choose how I act, despite how I feel. I can choose to be offended. I can choose not to be offended. It really is that simple. Not necessarily easy. Simple. I can choose to be upset, hold a grudge and ruin life-long relationships because of that choice. Or I can choose to grow up, laugh, shrug, forget it, and move on. I can choose not to allow the actions of someone else to dictate mine.

The biggest mistake I made in the first half of my life is not taking enough time on the things that are really important. So going forward, I constantly remind myself to make sure I don't repeat that mistake.

 

The sandwich years

Three colleagues of mine - Jan, Clarice and ShirleyW - decided to have a child. They'd decided to give up quiet evenings, lazy weekends and intimate meals. They'd decided to turn their sofas into trampolines.

ACE turned 18 yesterday!  My "little boy" is not so little anymore.

Young adults are old enough that their parents are no longer looking over their shoulders daily, but young enough that many choices are still open for them to explore. They live in the now and don't think about aging or mortality.

Later in life, they'll start taking on responsibilities  - making a living, finding a life partner, perhaps raising children. Their children will remind them of their own pasts, what they used to do and think at the same age.

Life becomes more complicated when we're in our 30s and 40s, as decisions made earlier in life now becomes more concrete and less open to changes than before.

Having turned 50, my life task is to generate. I influence the next generation of colleagues, either through mentoring or by example. At 52, I am between past and future. I'm particularly aware of time passing as I watch ACE grow. Having elderly parents, I am particularly aware of my parents' time passing.

This is also a time of developing a sense of mastery over weaknesses and character strengths to grow. Though still very stressed at work, I handle it better.

Albert Einstein puts it this way: “Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.” 

Kids have a way of humbling us. They reveal our weaknesses. This may be hard for us, as adults, to accept, but absorbing the parenthood experience is about accepting the daily situations when our kids shape us. What ACE does so easily at 18, I am cultivating now at 52.