Correlation between single parenthood and their child's development

Sean Penn won the best actor Oscar award for playing a gay man in Milk which begs the question from Fyaro, a single mum "will my son grow up with a natural attitude toward his own sex because he is raised by only one parent?"

From what I've read and from speaking to grown up friends who are straight and otherwise, it seems that a child without one parent can make the proper adjustment to life more easily than a child raised in a home filled with parental hostility and conflict.

Single parent or not, I believe it is always best to talk to children positively about their future. A single mother's positive attitude anticipating success in every phase of her fatherless child's life, is the strongest foundation for a young person.

Don't be a worry wart

"I can't breathe," Ah Leng murmured. "I am worried if something goes wrong with my group."

Don't live and work the hard way.

Drop the idea that you are Atlas carrying the world on your shoulders. The world would go on even without you.

When I was starting out as a territory manager, AMEX sent me for a Professional Sales preparation course. In it I learned to plan my work for every day, then work my plan. Lack of system produces that "I'm swamped" feeling. I have religiously arranged work in an orderly way and preform it in the same manner and it makes the total job infinitely easier.

Go for it

"I will be venturing into training and skill development, on consultancy basis," Zo walled me from HCM City. "it is really timely for me to go in this area."

To my good friend Zosimo, remember, you cannot build your pyramid in 24 hours. You will achieve your grand dream, a day at a time.

Give yourself every chance to succeed, and if you fail, fail trying.

I am my own best friend

"The problems with my marriage started when I was posted to Shanghai for 4 months," RT recalled. "Then I went to Macau to work, I met this lovely school teacher."

We cannot survive if we depend on someone else for our happiness. We need to find our own happiness, in ourselves. We must become our own person and quit depending on our spouse, or someone else, to make us happy.

Heng, my legal adviser told me that our divorce courts today are overcrowded with husbands and wives seeking divorce simply on the grounds that their marriage gives them no happiness.

Marriage is not made up of two halves trying to become whole. Rather, marriage consists of two whole people. I don't think marriage will ever work unless each party maintains his or her own identity, finds his own fulfillment and discovers his own source of happiness.

I am not saying we don't need one another. But I strongly say and believe there can be no lasting happiness if we expect others to create it for us

Tomorrow never comes

"I want more salary," Wimmi said determinedly. "I cannot wait. I want it now."

That statement brought to mind a story I heard a long time ago.

The sign at a certain petrol station attracted a driver: "Today, free water. Tomorrow free petrol." So he decided to return the next day to ask for the free petrol. But there was none. The pump attendant rightly pointed out that the sign said, "Today, free water."

Tomorrow never comes. It's today that counts

The vow to love

"I am already separated from my wife," Ricky confessed as we sat al fresco style facing Hong Kong harbour. "We'd sold our home and she'd moved back to her mother's place."

There were times when the stresses of life and marriage were so difficult that, for both of us, the obligation inherent in the vows we took "for better or worse, till death do us part" loomed large in our minds. We gritted our teeth and worked through the issues, but it was neither romantic nor fun.

"Love never fails" - 1 Corinthians 13:8

Parenting styles

"I would have smacked him first and then talk later, "Ng commented about a mother who grabbed her toddler away from an on-coming MTR train in Hong Kong.

Parents differ tremendously in disciplinary tactics. Whatever the tactics, the least effective parenting style - I believe - is the parent who is consistently inconsistent. They would confuse their kids.

I also don't believe that nagging and theatening work. The child can tune them out and both child and parent would end up bitter.

I would admit that I do not know everything about child rearing, but I do have the conviction that kids grow up to be the adults we, as parents, mould them.

From left: MIL, Goo, Boon, ACE, hon

See the world through their eyes

"I like you. You are direct and open," Steve spoke approvingly in the T815 train from Guangzhou to Hong Kong.

In business, people skills are imperative if we are to survive.

In a seminar I attended, the class was asked to a show of hands for "how many of you have ever resigned from a job because of difficulties with someone you work with, or someone you have to have contact with for work?" At least 1/3 of the group raised their hands.

Working in any company can be tough, demanding and frustrating at times. We often have to handle pressure from all sides. Sometimes our performance is dependent on the contributions of other people. We have to be kind to unkind people. We have to smile when all we want to do is finish our tasks and go home.

I sincerely believe that if we took the time to look at the world through the eyes of the people we are relating to, we would find our workplaces would run with less friction.

Standing from left: Diah, Nadeem, Donna

Seated from left: Shirley, Marie,Jiaye

Time with loved ones

"Can you help me with an explanation for my science experiment?" ACE asked over the phone. "It's about density."

Looking back, I can tell you the thousands of hours my wife invested in our son and the considerable time I invested in him were not wasted. Our boy is worth every moment of it. Should you ask us what we would do differently if we had to start over, heres what I would say: I would do more of the things I did, spend more time with him, have far more family outings and vacations. I'd be a little more firm, a little more demanding and lots more loving and understanding.

In my opinion, a term invented by "experts" and used by many parents as well as husbands and wives is "quality time" They justified their lack of time with their kids or mate by using that phrase as an excuse for the limited time they spend with their loved ones

My passion, my career

"You look young for a 44," David said over his porterhouse cut steak.

Age is not a function of ability or desire to be the best at what we do.

My parents always encouraged excellence. Choose a career they said, grand or obscure, but be the best in your field.

I have been fortunate to combine my passion for the travelling and meeting people with a career in this exciting , wonderful tourism/hospitality industry. It has brought me into contact with exceptionally thoughtful and creative individuals.

From left: Yim, hon, Shirley, Judy, Danny, Chloe

Self forgiveness

"The saddest word," wrote Zig Ziglar, "in the English language is if only"

It is important that we forgive ourselves. Most of us over 30 have had plenty of time to get good and mad about the things we've done or haven't done. We made promises that we didn't keep, or we had intentions that were never fulfilled. We set goals we didn't reach, and we've disappointed ourselves so many times, that somehow some of us decided that we just won't make any more promises, have any good intentions or set any goals.

I found out that God is not mad at me. Who am I to hold a grudge? I have long since forgave myself and moved on.

The romantic spirit - a pre-Valentine post

"I've got a hot date this Saturday night," Bernadette quipped over the phone.

Shakespeare once wrote, "They do not love who do not show their love." I call it a romantic spirit.

In a survey results I read, every woman needs to feel appreciated, wanted and loved. Occassionally she even likes to feel indulged, "spoiled" and delighted with surprise. I find pleasure in my relationship - in the pure joy I receive in making my love happy as well as in the pleasure I receive from her positive response to my romantic attitude.

As Mikiko concluded: "As long as he shows me that he thinks I'm special - no matter where we are or what we're doing - that's romance."

I'm willing to bet that making her feel special - that's the bottom line.

Issues which clogs up a relationship

"Can't join you tonight for drinks," Pat said over the phone. "My wife is showing her loooong face again."

Like Lawrence puts it: a relationship is like a delicate toy horse. When it breaks down, some people will smash the toy to pieces or toss it in a corner. Another might do something to prop it up a bit. Still some others might take apart the inner mechanisms like the springs and cogs and wheels and fix it.

A sample of typical issues me and a couple of my closest pals - Mr YKM and Ms CWL face with our spouses:
MONEY - extravagance, stinginess, greed, over emphasis.
CHILDREN - raising them, goals for, discipline, recreation
SOCIAL BEHAVIOUR - manners, sense of humour, toward the friends and family
RESPONSIBILITIES - around the house, for children, in decision-making

Managing conflicts

"She is not the same these days anymore," Francis sighed. "She is easily irritated and loses her temper quickly."

Studies have shown that the way married couples handle conflict is the most important predictor of whether they will divorce.

Some folks I know like Yen and Steph allow themselves to be overwhelmed by hurtful emotions. Others are more like Miki and Sandra like to express what they feel in a way that hurts, or they refuse to say what they feel, so creating more bad feeling. Still others feel critical of each other, and don't even try to stop thinking critically. In the end, nothing's improved and all that they feel are resentment. What's happened has simply added to the problem.

I try to turn the conflict in a positive direction. It does not always work, but when it does I'm more hopeful about our future.

Elusive love

"She has finally married her on-off beau," Chloe remarked over a glass of White Russian.

I know a few friends who never commit themselves to a relationship, but pass on to someone new whenever the feeling of in love fades. I know a couple of others who believe they can make a commitment, yet marry a few times, thinking that falling in love with someone new is proof that their current marriage has gone wrong. I also have some friends who stay married to one person but have a series of affairs.

These people are looking for that elusive love.

Elusive love
by Omolara Ladejobi

Elusive love
I heard you were real
I searched for you
but it was to no avail

Elusive love
I see your shadow
I turned around and
you were gone in a flash

Elusive love
I feel you around
I desperately hoped to see you
Like the gentle breeze
you blew mea scent of you
Never to hold, only to savour

Changing the other half

"You have not changed one bit," Danny noted over the steamboat.

A survey of couples who had been married 25 years or more indicated an overwhelming majority (84%) of them too their mates not only for better or worse but as they are. 89% of them, after all their years together, claimed to "strive to accept" their mates just the way they are right now. Apparently those husbands and wives who are happily married recognise the wisdom of accepting their spouses as they are and the futility of seeking perfection and trying to change them.

"That's good for them" Benny said, "but my marriage is not so hot, so what can I do to make mine better?"

This has worked for me, mate. You can start by changing you.

Don't hold grudges

"I remember it happened the day before Valentine's day last year," Sam recalled.

A memory is a wonderful thing. But how many times has one painful memory triggered an argument between you and your spouse?

Holding grudges and refusing to let go of the past is something that can take a toll on any marriage. Unforgiving attitudes can ruin the best of relationships.

Forgiveness is an important part of living together in harmony, but forgetting is not the same as forgiving. I find that talking about feelings of pain can help sort through the pent-up feelings of resentment.

Trading places

"I used to sit by your bedside comforting you when you had your asthma attacks," grandmama recalled. "Now you are sitting by my bedside comforting me."

Grandmama was missing at our Chinese New Year reunion dinner and things are not the same. This was the first reunion dinner ever that she was not present at the table. She was immobile, lying on her bed.

I'm not sure, but I'm willing to guess that each of us has imprinted in our minds a picture of how our parents and/or grandparents looked physically as we grew up and grew older alongside them. I found myself wondering what they had been like before I was born.

What had been their dreams? I felt strange trying to relate those faces, those bodies, those expressions to the elderly parents, grandma I now know. In the time before me, who were they?

We do the elderly as terrible disservice when we forget who they were when they were strong. And of course, I look at my hair and my face and I see changes that frighten me. Not because I'm afraid of growing older, but because I'm afraid of growing irrelevant.

Bernie and gramps

Becoming a warrior

Chloe was awarded our company's outstanding sales award 2008 recently.

Successful soldiers in the corporate battlefield are not just practitioners of a skill, but dedicated warriors. Soldiers expect to endure hardship in the pursuit of victory.

The resolute warrior is not discouraged by momentary failure; nor easily swayed by popular opinion. A resolute attitude is needed to persevere against all odds.

However, I need to highlight a difference here: a man who is only motivated solely by money is a mercenary and not a warrior. A mercenary's loyalty is changeable and driven by self-interest.

Chloe accepting the award with Nadeem (left) and Let (right) looking on

Groom to win

It may be true that beauty is only skin-deep, but the fact remains that the world judges us on our appearance a great deal.

Robert Pante once told me, "If you're going to be a winner, start by looking like one.

I ensure my face project energy, not fatugue. Successful people seldom appear rumpled and sweaty. I try to appear cool, unfuffled and self-confident at all times. Fate has not handed me a nice set of teeth, so I had them professionally crowned.

I dress for maximum success now. My aim is to set myself apart from other people, in a quiet, dignified but unmistakable manner, to show that I am a winner.

Winning in life

I stayed up till 3.30am watching Manchester United beat Everton 1-0 on Sunday morning. This morning's headlines screamed about Magnificent Nadal winning at the Australian Open.

We live in a culture where winning is important. We exult victory and are sad in defeat. Everybody is supposed to love a winner.

There is an event much more important than ever found in the sports pages. It's called life.

What determines us to be winners in life?

To each his own scorecard. To me it's the attainment of security, prosperity, fulfillment, love, peace, harmony and happiness.

Make peace

"Looking back," Christina said over the phone, "there were certainly many milestones in my life."

Any honest look back will recall several things one wishes one would have done differently.

It doesn't help to dwell on those things one did or didn't do in the past.As a family acquantaince said: at that time, you did the very best you could, given your knowledge and experience. You have the benefit of a few years' experience you now, that's why you can see how you might have done things differently.

I always try to come to terms with my past mistakes through grace, accepting them as poignant markers from which I can learn something valuable for the present and future.