Negotiate a solution

"That's not fair," Amit complained. " "Amit is cheating," Eve whispered. "He has not been doing his fair share."

People let us down. The divorce courts are full of claims of broken promises, unrealised expectations and unfulfilled dreams.

How many of us had cause to complain about something or somebody recently, either at work or elsewhere?

People, undoubtedly, are good at complaining, especially if a perceived element of unfairness is felt.

But they are usually absolutely bereft of ideas about their most important interest...namely...getting their grievances remedied in some way. That's why I urge: dont' just complain, negotiate a solution.

From left: shirley, Kathy, Eve

Respect all

"My GM hired and put somebody above me," Kat said, looking forlorn at the pre-dinner cocktail in Macau. "He downgraded my position one notch as well."

I treat my staff with as much respect as my external customers.

If there's one thing I learned the past 20 years as a sales leader, it is this: People don't care how much we know. They want to know how much we care.

from left: Darwin, Let, Diah, Agung, Juan, Chloe, Elly

Stengthen the bench

"Hyatt Shanghai offered me a job recently," Judy told us while serving us our wine in XinTianDi. "I have a job position for you at our hotel, if you are keen to discuss too," Frankie quickly piped in.

As a leader, I always look ahead - training the people who are sitting on my bench waiting to play.

My approach to training younger people ensures I won't miss a beat when my senior managers are ready to move further up the ladder.

As a sportsman, I firmly believe bench strength makes a difference in a close game.

from left: Jades, Grace, Eleen

Friends try to help

"My husband is cheating on me and I will be leaving home on friday," Mich sounded devastated in her email. "I have tolerated him for so long in the marriage."

A broken heart causes excruciating pain. Friends and loved ones can help soothe the pain. When they are there, laughing, loving and caring, the pain eases, and there is temporary relief. But night falls, and with it comes the terror of agony. Pain is always worse at night. Loneliness comes in when the sun disappears. The hurting explodes when one is all alone.

Part of the pain a broken heart must suffer is the thought that the offender, the heartbreaker, is going to get away with it all. The heart says, "I am the one hurt and wounded; yet I'm the one who pays the price."

Here's my 2-cents' worth my friend: "Stop trying to figure out what you did wrong and why you got hurt.

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. ~ Alexander Graham Bell
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If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with. ~ Anonymous ~
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Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go. ~ Hermann Hesse
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When a love comes to an end, weaklings cry, efficient ones instantly find another love, and the wise already have one in reserve. ~ Oscar Wilde ~
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Having a broken heart is like falling off a horse. Most people will get back on, but some walk away too afraid of the pain to take another chance. ~ Anonymous ~
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Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. ~ Anais Nin ~
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The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. ~ GK Chesteron ~
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For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are those 'It might have been.' ~ John Greenleaf Whittier ~
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There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. ~ Harry Crews ~
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When love is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal. ~ Anonymous ~

Never nag nor criticise

"More men than women get heart attacks," Bernie , the nurse said. "That's because we women let it out more. We nag, nag, nag, blah, blah, blah."

Criticism, nitpicking, faultfinding is destructive of love. Nothing turns a man off faster than motherly nagging and criticism.

1-legged stool

"Arul's style is very different. He speaks with all the top management people," Michael pointed out on our roadtrip. "I see all levels of the people, from top management down to the people in operational level."

In our dealings with a buying organisation, it is imperative to develop as many relationships as possible.

It is an often said fact: change is today's only constant.

Some sales people find themselves in the cold when a sole contact leaves. That's why I never rely on a 1-legged stool.

Michael and I at Dhoby Gaut, Mumbai

Managing credit

"Treat credit card like cash" That's the headlines of the Invest section of the Sunday Times today.

In certain cases today, credit buying has become almost a necessity. The principle to follow, however, is that credit purchases should be made for necessities only - such as a car or home.

Never buy luxuries on credit.

TV sets, sporting goods and hobby supplies should be paid for in cash. It is usually these items that give people trouble in credit buying. It seems so easy to buy the extras now and delay the payment until later; or charge for thing that you can't pay for completely when the bill 1st comes. Don't fall into this trap.

Interest rates are so high on credit-card purchases that one could end up paying much more for the items then if one had paid cash.

Many people live so close to the edge that just one extra bill pushes them over the edge into financial oblivion.

Take it from a guy who has been down that road, but lived to come back and tell his story.

Learning the deal

"The Gen Y'ers and gen Z'ers doesn't want to start at the bottom," observed Cynthia. "They think a diploma or degree entitles them to a good jonb with a respectable salary."

Working one's way up through the system was once a tradition; to many young people today, it has become an inconvenient delay. But only grave diggers start at the top.

Paying your dues means starting at the 1st or 2nd rung of the ladder in most industries. From there, the rest is up to the individual.

Here's the deal: What ever job I have, I always give it 110% of my effort. I keep my eye on the goal, and act as if I have already achieved it. I behave, express myself, dress for the job I want, not the job I have. I also treat everyone for who they can be tomorrow, not who they are today.

We parents worry.

"I worry that my children will get bad influence," Yunos admitted during the Buka Puasa dinner. "That's why I send them to religious school."

And so parents worry. Call it stupid.

I am just confessing that it is a reality. We worry about our kids because we love them so much.

I'm worried. Parents worry.

Any parents who says he doesn't worry about his kids is not being honest.

Earning trust

Stephen Covey has a book called "The Speed of Trust." "Trust me." We've all probably heard and even used that expression.

Trust is a critical factor of a leader's success. It's the mutual assurance of knowing if I go the extra mile for you, you will go the extra mile for me too. It cannot be demanded, but earned through action.

I am always self-conscious not to be arrogant nor superficial. I don't play games and I am not a powermonger. I am real and that's how I project myself. I demonstrate that I care about the people who work for me by asking for their thoughts and opinions, listening to what they have to say, and then take whatever constructive action required.

It pays dividends. Trust me.

standing: Diah and Diah; seated: Jades and Grace

BIONIC

Today hon and I celebrate our 13th wedding anniversary.

I can say from expereince, the storms we've had in our lives have made us a stronger couple. Our home, love and marriage have been strengthened during the weak times, because we chose to exercise our grit and determination in order to grow.

In the ACTA course I attended last week, the facilitator gave us a lot of acronyms. Here's one of my own:

BIONIC: Believe It Or Not, I Care. I care about hon and I know she cares about me and I let her know that I care.

Practise makes perfect

145, 139 and 173. These were the scores of my practice bowling games this afternoon tuning up for the NATAS bowling tournament next month.

I now know that practise doesn't make perfect. Practice makes progress. And practise makes progress only if you practise the right things in the right way.

In many things, perfect is subjective. A perfect relationship for you may be very different from a perfect relationship for me. Perfection has many expressions.

from left: Grace, Rae, TiTin

13th wedding anniversary

"We will present a chocolate cake for your wedding anniverary dinner this Sunday," the caller from the Italian restaurant informed me. It will be our 13 year annivesary on Monday.

A few of us blokes were chatting over beer.

"I would rather stay at work than go home to see my wife," Geoff proclaimed.

"We are both lonely, even when we are together, "Mark admitted. "We are living separate lives. We no longer feel any connection to each other, except for the kids."

"It's common for one of us to sleep on the couch," CK chipped in. "And intimacy feels like a chore rather than fun."

And speaking of anniversaries, Rauff wrapped it up..."After 13 years together, my wife was diagnosed with a rapid type of cancer and she died within months. She was sweet, kind, beautiful and a wonderful wife and mother. She was 38 years old when she died. I had no doubt that had she lived we would have finished raising our 2 boys together, shared some wonderful retirement years, and enjoyed old age together. I have 1 thought to add to all of you. If you are in a good relationship with a person whom you love, please, please, don't take that person lightly or for granted. Hold that person and tell her how wonderful she is and how much you love her and what an important part of your life she is, each and every day. There will come a day, for one of you, when that person is no longer there to hear those things. Don't leave them unsaid."

In control, not under control

I bought "You don't look like 50 Charlie Brown" book from Delhi recently.

Some parents make too many decisions for their children. They want to protect their children from making a wrong choice. This is understandable but I feel it denies the child opportunities to learn. Making choices for children may also give them the message that they are incapable of making their own decisions.

With me and ACE, some things are required: getting good grades, helping around the house. Some things we will negotiate: TV programs, snacks. I give him full authority in some choices: sports, school activities.

I always believe that if you force control, they do not learn to master being in control. Being under control, they do not develop self-control skills and habits, and as a result, they are out of control.

The new age man

Last night ACE was watching Lemony Snicket's a Series of Unfortunate Events: the story of intelligent, charming, but unlucky siblings; 14-year-old Violet, 12-year-old Klaus, and their infant sister, Sunny, who are suddenly orphaned when their house burns down

The world no longer needs cavemen who can go out and hunt for food. In today's world, we need to take that masculine ability and energy and rechannel them to a different kind of heroic effort. Since his toddler days, I have been trying to add language and feeling skills to the skills set of ACE.

Just think about it, the great men of history - Gandhi, Jesus - actually were like this. They had courage and determination, along with sensitivity and love for others.

It's an unbeatable mix, and it's certainly needed today.
ACE

Remember your friends

"My husband gets so excited meeting all his old friends," Seok Lian told us at the conclusion of the ACTA CU1 course. "He becomes like a little child."

In the excitement of becoming a couple, some people make a serious mistake: they forget about their friends, or even siblings. Friendship has always been seen as a casual thing, people fill in time with until one finds one's "true love". Friends were for chatting to at BBQs, to sell Amway to and to have over for a game of cards.


The dramatic fact is this: the couple or family in isolation does not work.


The lesson is simple: don't abandon your friends nor siblings in the rush to couplehood. And don't marry someone who expects that- in exchange for love - you will drop all your friends or siblings. For better or worse, you will always need them.

Patrick and Jerry : old friends

Occassions and gifts

"You know this things about silver anniversary on the 25Th year and so on and so forth?" Steve asked after downing one magarita. "For me and the wife, it's always diamond for us. She always gets me to buy her diamonds every year."

Do expensive gifts make women happy? In a recent survey, the answer is a resounding no. If you think the purpose of a gift is simply to spend a lot of money on a woman, you're wrong. The fact is, most women today are perfectly capable of buying whatever they need.

But if you forget am occassion she considers special, you'll be in the dog house for sure.

Reward what you want more of

In the study of Organizational Behaviour, there is a module on the role of "Positive Reinforcement" in the Theories of Motivation.

If you want your child or partner to do something, then the best approach I've found, isn't to punish the behaviour I don't like. Instead, I reward the behavious I like.

Unfortunately, it's easy to forget this.

If your partner suddenly starts doing somethingpositive, such as calm down or admit you're right, it's tempting to throw in one final insult just to make sure you have the last word, and of course this doesn't help. Instead, reward positive behaviour with a smile, a loving touch or an enthusistic comment.

If you can't talk, write

"My wife knows....when I am on business travels, I will never call her," Lee said in the midst of a traffic jam in cow-infested Delhi

This will come as a great shock to you, but men and women are different. A woman has a need and the sensitive partner meets that need through significant and insignificant small talk; and he listens with interest as she shares her feelings.

As a matter of fact, Chris once asked when a man should tell his wife he loved her. The wit responded, "before someone else does!" In another case, there was a man who hadn't told his wife he loved her in over 20 years and then killed the man who did!

For people who do not verbalize very well, I would like to remind you that you apparently verbalized well enough before you were married to persuade her to marry you. This indicates that your ability to communicate is not the problem. Your lack of interest or even unwillingness to communicate is the major problem.

Which Gen are you?

In the midst of Lucas' "A New World of Distribution and E-marketing" seminar, we sat round the table debating who's a baby boomer, who's in Gen X and Gen Y and Gen Z.

High school 25 years reunion, children in teens or leaving the nest, promotions to a senior status, some dreams coming true and others given up and/or death of friends and relatives. These kinds of events interrupt our routine, tells us we're in mid-life and make us think about our own future.

Midlife need not be denied or avoided, but embraced - even if it includes some discomfort and uncertainty.

If we take the time to think and plan, the journey ahead will be immeasurably greater than the one we have just completed.

From left: Lucas, Sylwia, Rae, Let, Shirley, Vi

A.S.K.

"Looking for jobs" was the subject of the email I'd received from Mei yesterday. "I am looking for these positions for myself."

People are what we have to work with, and on them will depend much of our success as a leader.

I always believe our staff must be of the highest possible quality in the critical positions. One good man, as they say, is of course better by fae than a hundred fools.

When I hire, personally for me, I will want to hire a good attitude before experience.

A.S.K. Attitude comes before Skills and Knowledge.

From left: Grace, Rae and TiTin