To each his own

"To each his own," Mr Oberoi said amidst the loud retro 80's music.

There are 2 ways to look at success:

1. Do others think you are successful?

2. Do you think so?

The trouble comes when we try to fashion our success to the outside world's specifications - those those drawn up in our hearts. For whom are we succeeding: for ourselves or for somebody else?

Success, if it has to be meaningful, must be a personal thing.

From left: Elly, Chloe, Mufri

Opportunities are solutions to problems

A poster in a tour operator's office in Delhi read: "Millions saw the apple fall. Only Newton asked why."

Without the willingness to see the opportunities beyond, problems will remain as problems. Some people can think of all the reasons or excuses why a thing cannot be done.

Here's the truth: opportunities turn up 1st as problems. Often, where there are problems, there are opportunities. If you don't like problems, you'll never get to meet opportunities - for they are solutions to problems.

The bold man

"I don't believe in doing things averagely," Mayur said in the chic Smoke House. "If I decide to do something, it's gotta be in a big way."

The bold man doesn't ask for guarantees or safety. He is not content with the "We have always done it that way' or "It can't be done" response.

I have always been able to weigh relevant factors, but when it is time to act, I move fearlessly.

The present

"I brought chilli crab to their hotel for them when they came from India to visit Singapore," Michael recalled. "They were so surprised and appreciative."

Giving and receiving gifts as a way of express love is a universal phenomenon.

In our society, not all giving is so sincere. Especially in the business world, much of it is payback for doing business.

The grace of giving has little to do with the size and cost of the gift. It has everything to do with love.

I am careful. It's often tempting to shower children with gifts as substitutes. For many reasons, there are parents I know who sometimes resorts to presents rather than being trully present to their children.

Persevere, persevere, persevere

"I woke up at 5am (Mumbai time) this morning," Michael said in a low tone. "Was speaking with people in my office in Singapore. Had some issues to fix."

I've spent a lot of time lately, thinking about the super-successful people I've known personally over the years. What separates them from the "never do well" and the dreamers?

Successful entrepreneurs believe so fully in themselves and in their missions that they are undauntable and so totally focused and purposeful, it's contagious.

They persevere, persevere, persevere. Tenacity, commitment, resilience and unrelenting determination to accomplish their objective is their strategy. They don't "fold" at the 1st sign of temporary defeat. Setbacks are but a challenge - and these are people who recognise the thin line separating "frustration" from "challenge".

Conditional love is not love at all

"I can't go to Singapore to work and leave my parents in Kolkata," Mohini revealed over her vegetarian dinner. "I want to, but wouldn't that be irresponsible, even though I have other siblings who can look after them? They expect to match make me in marriage but I hope I can marry for love."

Speaking about Kolkata, when Mother Teresa began her work, she stated that her mission was to have those to whom she administered live the last moments of their lives with dignity. For her, it is never, ever too late to discover who we are.

For some of us, we have to be good to be loved - was the message of our childhood. We have to live under the delusion that love was the reward for the things we did. This was the result of receiving a considerable amount of conditional love (praise for specific behaviours) during my early years.

Conditional love is not love at all, I discovered, but merely approval for meeting someone else's standards.

Jealousy - a sign of love?

"He doesn't allow me to go out with my guy friends," Hetal blurted out. "But you know what, though I am not happy in a way, I don't mind it because it means he loves me."

Jealous feelings are usually at their strongest when one is newly in love and do not yet feel secure. It can be very flattering when your partner seems constantly on the edge at the thought of losing you.

Jealousy that continues to figure strongly when the relationship settles down, no longer feels like love; instead it is suffocating, controlling and suggests a lack of trust in the partner and the relationship.

Humour help

"Someone please tickle me," Francis shot his hands into the air and squealed. "Make me laugh." He was cheekily teasing Stephenie who had told 2 jokes but receive not a single giggle in response.

A study showed that humour helped students do better on tests. Students who had attended humorous lectures demonstrated superior recall.

Humour is one of the positive qualities of successful people.

In our world today, there is too much grimness. We must have a sense of humour to overcome problems, obstacles and discouragement we all confront from time to time.

I even helped my child develop a sense of humour.

The woman was in bed with her lover and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
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Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats. The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity. On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time. Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other. Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!" When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door
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Jim was speeding along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. "What's wrong, Eric?" Jim asked. "Well didn't you know, Jim, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?" said Eric. "Ah, praise God!" he replied with relief. "I thought I'd gone deaf!"
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At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
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An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for a shag"The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

Choosing to forgive

I stood with great respect outside Mani Bhavan - a simple old-styled 2-storied building on Laburnum Road, Mumbai. This was where Gandhiji used to stay. Today, the house has been converted into a Gandhi Memorial.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi

Forgiveness is hard. Especially in marriages tense with past troubles and torn by suspician and distrust.

Forgiveness hurts. Especially when it must be extended to a husband or wife who doesn't deserve it, who hasn't earned it, or who may misuse it. It hurts to forgive.

Forgiveness costs. Especially in a marriage when it means accepting instead of demanding repayment for the wrong done; where it means releasing the other instead of exacting revenge; where it means reaching out in love instead of relinquishing resentments. It costs to forgive.

How can a person forgive? There is no easy answer. But this I know: Emotionally, resentment is a deadly poison.

true love is unconditional

"16 years ago, I started this business," Moses recalled. "As I knew my TV career would not last forever."

"Our celebrity status has a shelf-life," Li Lin confirmed. "Once we are no longer young and good looking, the role offers stops."

We resent someone it when we feel used. We want to protest, "You never really loved me. You loved my pretty face as long as it was pretty. You loved my good marks and made it clear that I was not allowed to fail. You loved my abilities. But you never loved me.

I knew that if I failed to meet your requirements, you would treat me as a smoker treats cigarettes. You would use me, grind me out and throw me away.

Pride at work

"I have been in my position for 3 years already," Kendric said at the event in Ben & Jerry's. "Time for me to start looking around, but the market is very soft right now."

Very few people in this age do the kind of work they like to do. Instead of choosing their jobs freely, they are forced by economic necessity to work at tasks that fail to satisfy them.

We play badminton to get exercise; but we play the game as well as possible, just for the joy of doing the thing well.

I believe that legitimate pride in doing work well relieves it of much of its drudgery. I have always held this standard and I always get a thrill from the job I do. I get the satisfaction of "a job well done" when I cannibalise business from my competitors or I watch the business grow over time like watching a baby grow.

Intimate pain

"Everyone has someone outside their marriage whom they can share their marital pain with," Nickson said over nasi lemak. "Tell me who doesn't"

Openly sharing our painful feelings and receiving the warmth and acceptance of another is profoundly intimate.

Paradoxically, sharing pain with someone who loves us and accepts our pain actually feels good. It does not feel good to be in pain, of course, but it feels wonderful to "let go" to it with someone who accepts it, like releasing a hidden secret. People are often more intimate with each other in relationships outside marriages because they risk expressing their pain to the other, and receive warmth and caring in return. In fact, many such relationships originate with 2 people sharing with each other the pain of their respective marriages.

Making temporary sacrifices

"If I relocate to Singapore, my other concern is Jon," Cindy confided in me over the phone from Dubai. "He would have to leave his job here. Would he be able to land a job in Singapore?"

Making sacrifices is a marital inevitability. There are times when we have to put aside our ideas, values and routines in order to save the relationship.

Compromising is not an issue of pride or ego. Many times sacrifices, like moving to a new town or quitting a job, have to be made to further the common objective of keeping the marriage intact.

The passing of a great man

My mentor, coach and beacon when I was just starting out in the corporate world, Mr Lau Kong Beng, ex-MD of HSBC Finance, passed away last week. Yesterday was his funeral.

Uncle Lau had been strickened by a heart problem for the past few years. He died of peumonia and lung infection.

I'm glad I had a telephone conversation with him on 22nd July after not having seen him for the past couple of years. Then he sounded cheerful and upbeat.

I think much of a person's grieving must be related to the kind of relationship he or she had with the lost loved one. And so each grief must be individual. The pain is not different: we miss the person, wish they were still with us, feel the emptiness. But maybe what triggers that grieving feeling differs with each person. I don't know. I'm just guessing.

We all see the world differently

"Make sure you blog about us," Man Utd-fan Kristine instructed at the STB Product Update and Networking session in Penang recently. Kristine and Ame were instrumental in organising the event in Kuala Lumpur, Ipoh and Penang.

Being aware of the contrast between my and other people's view of the world, helps me get along better with others.

I find this especially helpful when meeting new people and establishing some mutual ground. This can take great effort, but I promise you, it helps me when relating with others. Often when we expect others to be just like ourselves, the result is frustration and tension.

Seated from left: Kristine, Ame

Standing from right: Gerald, Wendy

Dynamic living

"My dream is to work in a fashion-related industry," Jasmine sighed. "I know I can thrive in it."

We all have our own unique goals and dreams. Perhaps one of the most outrageous dreamers of modern times is the great Nelson Mandela, the living legend who faced down incredible resistance and even the threat of death to become the 1st elected black leader of South Africa.

To fulfill our lives, we should follow the model of Nelson Mandela, committed to our values. There will always be defeats and failures. There will always be temptations to give up. Some people give up out of fear, some out of laziness. Some of us give up to remain in our comfort zone. Others give up their principles in order to move ahead. The price of giving up is always too high.

I always make a vow to go after what I want in life. Then I get on the roof and kick the ladder away and get to it.

This feeling. Is it loneliness?

"Sherman is lonely,"Soo Ching said after her soup before starting on her aglio oglio. "He has too much freedom."

"I don't party like I used to anymore since I got married and the two kids," Ivy proclaimed. "I go home before 4.30am nowadays."

When I first began to travel extensively many many years ago, I was so excited and anxious to experience this glamorous life. I was able to visit places that I had only dreamed of before. All the time, I travelled alone.

The glamour faded fast, especially when it was time for another dinner alone.

As I experienced my loneliness, I became overwhelmingly aware of how much loneliness my wife had to live with because of my life-style. I was putting her off until I could squeeze her into my world.

I'm sure this is true for all men, but for me, I had to see my own self-centredness to recognise my belief that my world was more important than my wife's. I see how I controlled our relationship by putting her off to suit my needs in my timing.

I have, ever since, grew and developed and have become more aware and sensitive in our relationship.

Sweat in training means less blood in combat

"Sorry I didn't reply your email for so long," Jun keong wrote in his email. "I was away for reservist."

"You know that phrase, 'Your employees are your greatest asset?' That's bullshit," Zain wrote in his executive summary. "Here's the truth: 'Your well-trained employees are your greatest asset.'"

I believe if people are properly trained, they won't be able to tell a drill from the real thing. If anything, the real thing will be easier.

Sometimes, if training is intense - it will kill us. More often - much, much more often - it will save our lives.

From left: Grace, Rae, TiTin

If we don't learn, the lessons get harder

"He doesn't learn. He doesn't change," Bob muttered in between bites of his hummus.

We can't undo our error, but we can learn from them. If we don't learn, the lessons get harder. Regretting our mistake is not the same as learning the lesson.

We are not here to be perfect, but to live and learn, to fall and to rise again - to evolve and strive toward our highest potential.

May painful experience become a blessing that transforms your life.

Creativity is as natural as water and air

"Grace is focused," Rae said in the review. "Paul is creative."

Writing and painting/drawing has been my childhood hobbies. I know now that these ignite that little flame into a roaring fire of creativity in life itself.

At work, I approach my job in new ways. I think of interesting ways to make the work more fulfilling. I approach the process of creativity at work as I might approach a game or sport, looking to master the skills vital to success. I discover new and better ways to play the game.

When productivity is flat, I learn new technology. When morale is flat, I set up a new plan to create a sense of equity for the employees. When creativity is stifled, I arrange brainstorming sessions to come up with new ideas.

Marriages are not made in heaven. They are made on earth

"I have to go home early tonight," Darwin said at the BBQ. "I just got married last month."

The pros and cons of marriage have been argued for centuries. Marriages, good or evil, happy or unhappy? Much of our personal happiness is decided by our success or failure to make a happy marriage.

Trust me, despite the poet's contention, marriages are not made in heaven. They are made on Earth. They are made between 2 human individuals. Marriage, therefore, starts with us. We have the responsibility to our marriage partner to makeit a happy marriage. But that responsibility is also toward outselves.

Refusing to do our part in providing the right climate for a happy marriage hurts us. It may cause us more pain and anxiety than it causes our marriage partner.

Listen to her

"Men and women are so different," Diah pointed out at the poolside BBQ. "Men need music with beat in their intimate moments while women prefer soothing music like jazz."

Women say they really love and long for that feeling of being deeply listened to, of being loved, of being understood. In fact, for most women, without this, our chances of carrying on a jolly, spicy, long-lasting relationship are virtually nil.

Fair enough. But how is a guy supposed to give them that feeling? After all, for most of us, the misunderstandings begin almost as soon as we open our mouths (or don't open them)

Let's face it: The whole idea of just sitting there listening to a woman, venting, without offering solutions, without being pushy but remaining attentive and sympathetic for seemingly interminable periods of time...it's well, not exactly something that comes naturally to us men.

Look, if we want the love and understanding of a good woman - and what on Earth could be better? - we're going to have to learn a little bit about how to talk and listen to women.

The woman just needs to get it off her chest. We can listen and perhaps hold her, telling her we love her and is there for her. It shows a lot of love when a man give his precious commodity: time.It may be only 30 minutes. But is that so much in the big scheme of things? Is that football game so important that showing love and concern has to be quickly brushed aside?

Delibrate drama

"We smile," Steve confessed. "Even when we don't feel like it."

Sales leaders must look comfortable, confident and competent to their competition, customers, employees and media - even if they don't feel like it.

I can assure you, most sales leaders don't enjoy corporate socializing, media interviews, owner's meeting, selling or even managing 100%, but to be effective they need to look like they do.

That might mean smiling more than they are inclined to, shaking hands with people they don't want to meet or working with people they don't like. That's acting.

I sometimes act angry in front of my employees. I jump from flashes of anger to self-deprecating humour. But sometimes it's the best way to get a lesson across. It takes a lot if energy, but it is necessary.

Sometimes, it's necessary to get a "fire" built under people to get them going.

I love it, I love it- sure as heck do.

"A lot of the problem our industry have is a result of the lack of passionate leadership," Raphael mooted in CSQ room 2.

After years of working with scores of people, I conclude that passion can't be determined from a resume or a phone conversation. It can only be determined in a face-to-face meeting.

Being a sales leader is more than just doing a job. It means -to me - trying to figure how I can make a greater contribution and attract equally passionate people to work on the team.

What distinguishes successful sales leaders is their commitment to the business. The business is our hobby. Everything we do is for the business or to build knowledge around the business.

Small talk is huge

"Mr Wong likes to go with his deparment heads for coffee every morning after the ops briefing," Shirley said.
"My ex-GM doesn't like to see his staff sitting and chatting together over coffee," Rae replied.

Too many leaders dismiss small talk as a waste of time. To me, "small talk" (conversation with subordinates that is not exclusively focused on business or a particular project or task) is vital to creating a bond between the leader and his/her people.

This does not mean faking interest. It means a genuine interest in the things that interest them.

In identifying with my subordinates, I give them the opportunity to identify with me.

Dedication cascading down from the top

"MOURNERS wept as they paid their last respects on Saturday at the wake of former Philippine president Corazon Aquino, the beloved democracy icon who swept away a dictator and inspired non-violent resistance to autocratic rule. Mrs Aquino, 76, died early on Saturday in a Manila hospital after a year-long battle with colon cancer" reported the Straits Times

Mrs Aquino led the "People Power" revolt in the Philippines. The uprising she led in 1986 brought down Marcos' repressive 20-year regime and served as an inspiration to non-violent resistance across the globe, including those that ended communist rule in eastern Europe.

To win, the team must somehow get the feeling that there is dedication coming from the top.

Good sales leaders must be enthusiastic and proactive, all the time communicating, communicating and communicating. I am always out and about, soliciting ideas, speaking to people's concerns.

Be careful what you wish for - you might get it

"I had an offer two years ago for a sales leader job but I turned it down," both Winnie said and Eugene echoed it a day later. "I felt that I was not reason.

Some sales people can manage and some managers can sell. Executives live to regret the promotion of their strong salesperson into management jobs. 1st reason is the loss of an outstanding salesperson and the gain of a mediocre, or worse manager.

It's like our parents have told us so many times. Be careful of what you wish for - you might get it.

Leader, mentor, trainer, taskmaster, coach, monitor, liaison, baby-sitter, disciplinarian, organiser, herder of cats. When performed well, our sales leader's role is the glue that keeps salespeople on course with goals of the company. It is the sales leader who cultivates, monitors and protects the precious revenue streams on which every business is dependent.