Another candle on the cake

"My birthday on 19 December is the same day as Ivy's," Peter said as a matter of factly over his bowl of piping hot Katong Laksa. Come to think of it, my birthday is just around the corner too.

Forget the fact that there are enough candles on my cake to light up a runway on Changi Airport. To me, age is an attitude. You are as old as you feel.

What are a few wrinkles?I take them for badges of courage for living.

Besides, age isn't the numbers of years you lived your life; it is what you did with those years.

The pursuit of love

"I love his long eyelashes....." Marie said. "But I can't stand a man who has no guts."

Yes, the quest for love makes a person do strange things. For example, it can cause a man to spend his rent money to impress a woman.

You can learn much about love simply by trying to attain it. You might find out what you were searching for or realise you enjoy the chase more than the capture.

The forbidden fruit

"I almost crossed the line," Sarene recalled. "Our urban world is full of temptations."

The dull and predictable rut in many couples' lives often wears them down. Dangerously so.

"I occassionally find myself envying, and even resenting, young couples I saw in evenings of frivolity and heaven knows what else," Chris confessed.

As a friend recounted, it started so deliciously different, so fresh and exhilarating as dinner with good company. Just to talk. And then one thing led to another, and the particulars are private.

When I made the promise 12 years previously to love, honour and cherish, I had never dreamed that marriage, even passion, could become old hat. But it can, and it does. It is a delicate plant, and without constant attention it begins to wither under the heat of everyday life.

Love is a 24 hours decision.

Children are gifts from heaven

"Soon it will be Christmas day....." the song filled the hall.

Our Christmas decorating began modestly last Sunday with the setting up of our Christmas tree. We have enough Christmas lights to illuminate an airport runway. With the enthusiastic help of my boy, I began hanging several miles (I am exaggerating of course) of lights.

While doing it, I thought of my childhood Christmases. Many parents I know, speak about the "good old days" when it was easier to raise children. Personally, I think parental concerns of 8 BC. are the same concerns parents are expressing in 2008. We all want our kids to grow up safe and happy, and we wish the task were easier than it is today.

Kids, they can be funny, endearing and lovable - and truly feel like a gift.

They can be exhausting, maddening and irritating - but they are still a gift.

New age fathers

"I did the last feed at 11pm last night," Ben chimed about his newborn. "And boiled the water this morning at 5.30am before going out to work."

Fatherhood used to be considered a part-time job. It was something men did at the end of the day between watching the evening news and going to bed.

As a matter of fact, in the past 15-20 years or so, it has been included in men's resumes. It is now something that commands respect.

When I was growing up, fathers used to be a bit of an enigma. What did you know about the man.....really?

He picked up prescriptions from the pharmacy, bring the car around to the door when it was pouring rain, put Christmas tree lights on the branches.

A new generation of fathers is emerging who want to do more than be spectators or reigning monarchs over a family. They want to be equal in it. They've even stepped up their hours.

PMP - a time to communicate

"Please find attached the performance review forms for year 2008" the email from our HR Manager started.

Some bosses I know place the wrong kind of emphasis on performance management. Some merely do it to compute the numerical assessments and pass judgement. Others see little value in taking time to complete them.

I see performance management process as it being about communication and alignment. I use it to focus on the work that must be done to ensure success.

Achieving outstanding results

Fly me to the moon. That was the 3D show I watched yesterday with my son at the Singapore Discovery Centre in conjunction with the 3DX Family Carnival.

With something as complicated as putting people into outer space having become routine, surely managing a business shouldn't be all that difficult.

The outcome of a research project undertaken recently showed that while most people agreed with the idea that managing is a matter of getting things done through other people, no one agreed on a best way to do it.

"Create win-win situation with your employees."

"Drive out fear and create an atmosphere of trust"

"Develop proper individual/team performance measures and monitor these measures"

"Empower your employees and then support them in their efforts."

"Wander around among your employees, be visible and communicate"

"Hire good people in the first place"

Here's my personal take: Understand that your people are your most important resource. (You can't achieve outstanding results by yourself). Know what motivates them or gets them excited.

Live everyday as if it is my last

This time last year Pauline was bubbly and energetic. But when I met Pauline last weekend, she had had 5 chemotherapy and numerous kidney dialysis.

If you knew for certain that you had a terminal illness - if you had little time left to live - you would waste precious little of it.

Actually we do have a terminal illness: it's called birth. We don't have life eternally. No one does!

So I always try be happy, without reason. I feel the sense of urgency.

If a blind man realises that he can see, has the world changed?

Action me

"I heard a rumour about you..." Robert said.

I do not fear gossips, opinion or the idle chatter of monkeys. All are the same to me.

For too long, fear has outweighed my desire to make things better in my life. Never again!

I am a person of action. I am energetic. I move quickly. As a leader, I hope to inspire others with my activity and encourage them to greatness.

It is true: an army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep.

Don't carry baggages in life

"I laid awake last night thinking about the aggravation he put me through," Yen said. "Thinking about what he said. What I should have said."

Of course, that person is sleeping peacefully without any idea that Yen was awake, thinking about him. So, whose life is being ruined and wasted?

This bitterness...this resentment...this anger will cause you to do things that ruin your reputation, detroy your marriage, ending effective communication with your children, lose your job. It's a prison sentence.

Anger management is a big crock. We don't need to deal with our anger. We need to get rid of it.

For us to forgive another person, it is not required that he deserves our forgiveness. It is not even required that he is aware he has been forgiven.

Remember this: Forgiveness is about letting go of the past. When we decide to forgive, our lives begin anew.

Getting along

The Business Tourism seminar yesterday had three speakers. One of them skillfully lost his audience. He bored us to tears.

Our task in life is not necessarily to get everyone to like us.

After a career in sales spanning over 20 years, I fully understand that people feel comfortable with you if they feel you are a bit like them - if you have things in common.

As a trainer and public speaker, I know the same rules apply when talking to one person as when talking to a roomful.

Find things in common. Care. Be human. That has helped me chat quite easily with almost everyone.


Seated from left: Lorraine, Neil, Helen, Alicia

Customers are not always right...but they are king!

"In today's crisis, generating more revenue from our current customers is a key strategy," Jorge mooted.

The most important relationship any company has, the way I see it, is the one between the customers and the employees they interact with.

Consider this:

Who is more important...you or your customer?

Now, if there are only two people left in the world and one of you must die, who should die first...you or your customer?

The customer retention training I conduct lend themselves to further discussion and review. Participants discuss learnings during the debriefing and establish a gameplan for ongoing practice and review.

Team work gone wrong

"Team work dictates success," Cheong preached in the Ngee Ann Polytechnic seminar I attended this morning. He gave the analogy of how a split second breakdown in communication and coordination cause Ferrari the F1 race in Singapore in September.

That further confirms what I strongly felt and believed all this while: team building is critical.
Amen.
Massa, Ferrari F1 Driver, Accident at Pit Stop in Singapore - The best bloopers are here

Learning negotiation through games

I received acclaim for facilitating Power Negotiation and Consultative Selling courses at Dell and Sime Darby Engineering.

A significant portion of the course is conducted through games.

Some of the game are quick, fun energizers that raise participants' awareness of sales issues. Others are full-scale activities that teach a skill and offer participants the opportunity to practice the skill in an informal, non-threatening environment.

The games not only motivate the salespeople to do their jobs better; they also bring new meaning and motivation to their job. In turn, their success has helped their organisations to prosper.

Making team building fun

"Can you help us with our John Maxwell and Zig Ziglar programs?" Kath asked.

I had 6 years experience of speaking and training extensively in Malaysia and Singapore.

I discovered that people generally have very short attention spans; they respond better when training courses have life, variety and surprises!

The team building sessions I facilitate include a wide variety of activities, exercises that draw out feelings and emotions and life the spirit of the participants.

I have been told that my sessions have help transform a group of loosely connected employees into a dynamic and productive team - a process that seldom occur naturally.

Carolyn in action
Facilitating for Sime Darby Engineering

What parents want

I was at Giant hypermarket in Johor Baru yesterday. I watched people buying apples. They rotate each apple looking for a blemish. They squeeze each one for firmness. They study many apples looking for the perfect apple.

We parents perfect apples. We want successful and happy children. We want them to feel good about themselves. We want children who are loving and respectful of others, well behaved and self motivated.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I believe all parents have the same goals and aspirations.

Successful kids

Yesterday was the last day of schooling for this year. Alexander has progressed successfully from Primary 3A to Primary 4A next year. But there are 4 other classmates of his who didn't make the cut to 4A.

I personally don't think these four students are "worse" than the rest of their classmates, provided they were all working to their full potential. They may have talents in areas other than academics - sports, the arts, etc.

The dictionary defines success as "attaining wealth, fame or prosperity." My definition and wish for my child is to be a joyful and confident person who makes wise choices; to think and act morally.

Single parenthood

"I am tired, my child is demanding and at times I feel I need love myself," a single mum said as a matter of factly.

The hospitality industry is stewn with single parents. Perhaps is the time-consuming demands of the job. Perhaps it's the amount of travel time. Perhaps it's the high ratio of people contacts.

Some single parent family were created by divorce, some by death of a spouse. Some parents have never married.

I have been hearing heroic stories from my friends who are single mums/dads of trying to meet the needs of their children, while at the same time maintaining a career and personal life. Stories of the time pressures and economic demands. Stories of the loneliness and exhaustion of having to do everything on their own.

We are fortunate. We have two parents giving love to our child. Others, who are not so fortunate, is a single mother or father who is wounded and lonely and pressured. And I salute them.

Childhood memories

"I woke up the Christmas morning when I was 6 and found a present on the head board of the bed," I related to my son. "Santa left that for you last night, my mum said."

These childhood memories of mine were't alway momentous happenings; they might even sound rather mundane to the outside world.

As a parent now, I have learned from these previous examples. They have inspired me to take time to enjoy my kid, to discover and put into practice simple rituals and traditions that will give him the message : you are a source of delight to your parents. You are fun to be with, interesting and lovable.

MAS or MAD? Monetary Authority of Dad

I spent some time last Sunday playing Monopoly with my boy.

I, like most parents, want to program my offspring to surpass my own meagre accomplishments in life and to build large personal fortunes. I am pleased to report that ACE's interest in financial matters has ebbed and flowed over the years.

What my son knows about money, he learned from the board game: Monopoly.

He's understands, he can't get rich and win the game by just passing "GO". That's like getting a fixed salary every month. The key to wealth and win is to buy more green houses and when the time is right, turn them into red hotels (or condominium, apartments, etc)

For that, he has to study hard, get a good job, work for the money...and then make the money work for him.

Make time

World Travel Market starts today. I am not in London attending WTM because of a company travel freeze.

10 years ago, my travel schedule was so hectic but I scaled it all down. I have a demanding career (I justified to myself), so I used my weekends or holidays to get immersed in my child.

Listen closely - for parents this is the most important line in this posting: If you routinely work 75 to 80 hour a week, including travel times, you just won't cut it as a parent. You need to get home in time to play, laugh, teach and tickle your child.

This is the bottom line: make time

Childhood revisited

Jol is expecting her 1st child. My cousin is looking forward to the arrival of his fourth.

When people have kids, they seem to change overnight. I know I did.

The reason is not surprising - we were once children too. And our childhood left many potholes. Now our children are travelling the same road, those potholes, long forgotten, are a problem once again.

Revisiting our childhood is like medicine. It doesn't taste good, but it's good for us.

Raising Alexander started me on a personal journey - that is exciting and scary. It amounts to an overhaul of my personality. Actually, my child grew me up.

Parenthood - a calling

"I made a big sacrifice," Serene said over a donut this morning. "I quit my job for my children. What is the point of being successful if my daughter failed."

Our role as parents - the way I see it - is the highest and noblest calling in life we will ever have. But it takes much more than love and good intentions because we are not the only influence in our child's life.

IT and connectivity has completely changed the childhood landscape from mine to my son's.

My friend Mr Chai imposes home schooling for his kids to shield them completely from all the negativity and temptations in today's world. I can't do that and I don't think anybody else can either.

I merely try to create deep, meaningful and positive experiences, values and beliefs for my boy.

Love is close enough to touch and far enough to grow

"Marriage is compromise, giving in, routines and obligations," Addison pointed out at his 1st wedding anniversary.

All of us hunger a love that will stay intimate and secure, yet also encourage our individual fulfillment.

But the message often comes down to: "Be what I want you to be or I won't love you. Give up yourself."

There is always a difference in what two people want, need or think. You want to relax and your partner wants to go shopping. You think it's ok to yell and shout and spank your child and your partner is disgusted at the very idea.

I can't feel deeply loved unless I am approved of and respected for being who I really am. Trust that goes for you too.

The more you ruv someone

I watched Avenue Q - the musical last night. One of the characters, Christmas Eve sang:
"The more you ruv someone, the more he make you cry."

The more someone matters to you, the more you will mind when things between you go wrong.

That is why, I think, many couple break up; some even after many years of marriage. Others cling together forever when clearly there is no love; when struggles and problems have curdled their love, turning it to bitterness and dislike.

These are the hallmarks of unresolved problems - disruptive and damaging. But, working through problems gives the relationship strength.

My personal view on this is: love that has never been tested is more fragile.

Small changes can make a BIG difference

"My long weekend was too long," Angel said sadly. "We quarrelled the entire time."So you have arguments.

Take it from me sister: the first thing to realise is that you're not the only one.

We have all been there before. Sometimes, the arguments erupt quickly but then die away. Other times, they build slowly, lead to a weekend's solid arguing and then leave us traumatised for days.

It could be issues of money, kids, in-laws, friends - but when these come up, it's like World War III has broken out.

But whatever the pattern or issue, one thing will be permanent: the pain.

Some folks may have reached the point where they think "enough is enough." Actually that's good. It means something's going to change.

What goes around, must come around

In today's uncertain world - job layoffs, unsettling global affairs, natural disasters - we can easily feel overwhelmed. Nothing is stable. Nothing is sure.


One things is certain though, it is that men put more effort into romancing a woman during the early stages of courtship. After a few years - or maybe even a few months - romance goes into hibernation, making appearances on anniversaries or other special occassions.


Must stability bring an end to excitement? Is there a key to keeping a partner interested? Is it possible to renew the exhilaration of the early relationship?


Based upon recent survey results of women from their 20s to their 70s, when a man becomes more romantic, his partner becomes more receptive to fulfilling his needs.


Haven't I said so before? You can have everything in life you want if you will just help other people get what they want.

Behind the success of every man...

"Men are the head of the house," trumpeted Anthony.

"But," Justine quickly added, "women are the necks. They turn the head any direction they like."

A recent study of 1,139 CEOs revealed a commitment to family as a common quality. 9 out of 10 claimed their families to be their 1st priority.

Many people do not realize that for the first dozen years of our courtship and marriage I did not provide my wife with any real financial security. We were on a financial roller coaster most of the time.

It meant a lot to have a cheerleader cheering me on every day and praying for me every night.

A little more communication, a little less bickering

"We just can't seem to talk like normal people," my colleague quipped. "Everything becomes an argument."

It's a fact of life that when 2 people share one roof, one bathroom, and one wardrobe, that they will and do quarrel. The real problem arises when there are more arguments than good times; when fights become the norm and peace becomes the exception.

Here's my take on this: like in a court case, a willingness to settle can sometimes be more important than "being right."

Family -source of comfort and pain?

"Why do my loved ones always say things to hurt me?" Karen moaned.

This is one of the ironies of family: Family members are our greatest source of comfort and at times, greatest source of pain. We look to our family as a haven in a hostile world, yet the very people are also our harshest critics.

At times, we wonder why our parents, children, siblings, spouses are so critical of us. At other times, we also feel frustrated because comments we make in the spirit of caring are taken as criticizing.

Each of us lives our own life, and no one - not even the people we live with or the person we are closest to - knows what the world looks like from our point of view.

This thought I hold tightly: given the enormous promise of love, understanding and listening that family holds, it's worth the struggle.
back row from left: Albert, Bernie, Hon, Ben, Joyce
front row: Barb, Gramps, Fabian, Sam