Humour - a key virtue in life

It's Christmas eve and while Pentatonix sing "Joy to the World"on Spotify, I read a quote posted on Facebook. It reads: "Health does not come from medicine. Most of the time, it comes from peace of mind, peace in the heart and peace of soul. It comes from laughter and love."

There is a growing body of evidence that shows how important laughter is, not only for coping but for our physical health, too. Finding the humour in things injects moments of playfulness and fun in between the unpleasant stuff.

Another use for humour is that we can use it to bring up serious subjects with a light touch so that others may listen. In everyday life, a quick riposte is another way to feel powerful in an argument. Sometimes, we think of the witty comeback too late ot use it, but we try to come up with one anyway, so that we can at least feel superior after the fact.

I gain new insights from listening to jokes. Humour gives me courage to transcend life's scariest moments or to express wisdom in an acceptable way. When I make other people laugh, I may give them courage to deal with life's scarier moments as well.

I never take myself too seriously. I try to minimise tension and concern and worry with laughter at my predicaments, thus freeing my mind to think clearly for the solution that is sure to come.

Try it. It's a much better way to live.

What is success to you?

Forget the fact that there were enough candles on my cake to light up a runway at Changi Airport. So I turned fifty-two last week and, like most, wonder how it all happened so fast. To me, age is an attitude. You are as old as you feel. The fact remains, that time flies!

However, I am counting my blessings and not my time with a pointless pining for yesterday.  During the first forty years of your life, if you are like me, you probably rushed through college, fell in love, married, embarked on a career, climbed upward and acquired many things. I know of many who did not make it past four decades. Divorce. Suicide. Too much alcohol. Guilt. Loneliness.

I have begun to look at my life  through the metaphor of a football game. If you are a football fan like me, you'd know that the game is won in the second half, not the first. It's possible to make mistakes in the first half and still have time to recover but it's harder to do that in the second half.

If you ask most people what they want from life, as I have been doing in recent years, you will discover that they want to achieve success. Some want to be successful in their workplace and others want to be successful parents. But if you ask people to define success, you will end up with as many different answers as there are people.

If you google it, you will find it defined as "the accomplishment of an aim or purpose" and "the attainment of fame, wealth, or social status". If this is what success is, please, please tell me that there is more to life than success.

I believe the greatest success is to be constantly growing, developing and evolving into the better person I know I can be. Success is not a destination - it is a journey.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. "When I reach the station, that'll be it," I used to think. "When I am 21." "When I buy my BMW!" "When I put my kid through university." "When I get a promotion." "When I pay off my mortage, I will live happily ever after!"

Eventually, I realize there is no station to arrive at, once and for all. The station is only an illusion. It constantly outdistances us. The true joy of life is the trip.

The Mirror
Edmund Burke , 1729 – 1797, Irish Philosopher‫.‬
I look in the mirror
And what do I see‫?‬
A strange looking person
That cannot be me‫

‬

For I am much younger
And not nearly so fat
As that face in the mirror
I am looking at‫

‬

Oh, where are the mirrors
That I used to know
Like the ones which were
Made thirty years ago‫?‬

Now all things have changed
And I`m sure you`ll agree
Mirrors are not as good
As they used to be‫.‬

So never be concerned‫,‬
If wrinkles appear
For one thing I`ve learned
Which is very clear‫,‬

Should your complexion
Be less than perfection‫,‬
It is really the mirror
That needs correction!!

Life is relationship

I received my first Christmas greeting e-card this week. It was from Ilona in Los Angeles. In it, she wrote, "Thank you for always being there for me and know that I appreciate you tremendously!"

It is helpful to remember that we are all at different points along a path. Some people are at places we ourselves have been before, others are in places we have not yet been. It is a journey. Along the way, we will meet many people. Some of them we will help, assist, advise. Others will help, assist and advise us. It has been my experience that when you think you are there to help someone else, chances are they are really there to help you. Our students make the best teachers. Without the help of others, we will never make the journey.

My father always told me that the key to success in business is personal relationships. I have discovered that life is relationship.

It doesn't matter how many people are around us. If there is no one who understands us, or accepts us as who we are, loneliness can very readily present its agonising self. Loneliness isn't a lack of people. It is a lack of understanding and acceptance.

It is very different than being alone. Sometimes, I may be alone, but I am never lonely. Loneliness is a longing for the company of one who understands us.

Having previously been to painful places and to high levels of sadness and loneliness, I now understand the pain some of my friends are experiencing is real and tangible to them. If I could help ease the pain, then why wouldn't I?

Friends...how loosely that word is used  at times and there are so many different levels of friends. I have begun to think of some of my own "friends" more as warm acquaintances. It doesn't mean I thought less of them. They are still a blessing in my life but having been to some pretty dark places myself by now, I understand what a real friend is. It is easy to have a lot of acquaintances but when it comes to the crunch, though, not many people can hang around through the very worst of the pain with someone else. Those who do are truly friends.

The right relationships fortify our resilience and fearlessness, empowering success in all aspects of our lives. No matter what happens, we know we are not alone. We know someone's got our backs.

Don't lose touch with the friends you value. Those who accept you as who you are, and who know you very well, are worth more than anything in the end. Don't let life get in the way. Just always know where to find them and let them know you appreciate them in the meantime.

Dancing to the winds of change

"Being a change agent in 2016 means you have to be a bit of a daredevil." Stephanie Linnartz wrote about what it takes to be a change agent in a LinkedIn post, adding "being a true change agent can sometimes only be realized by daring even when it’s daunting"

Change is tough - but it happens. Sometimes, the situation may seem to to be unfair, and that's just how it is. But you and I now that's not the case. It's not a matter of being fair or unfair. The winds of change may come as a fierce hurricane, ripping our lives asunder, or as a tender breeze that caresses our cheeks.

It's just that most of us seek familiar routines to create a sense of control and order - so change can appear as a blessing or a curse; the same rain welcomed by the flowers is mourned by picnickers wishing for a sunny day.

I can be a rigid person. Don't get me wrong, I love to experiment with new food, travel to new countries, and meet new people, but there's a large part of me that always clings to the comfortable. But, rather than longing for summer in the midst of winter's chill or wishing for cool winds in the hot and humid heat, I am learning to embrace each season and ride change as ships ride the waves. Change is going to happen whether we like it or not, so we might as well accept them.

Change causes confusion and confusion is nothing but a word for "not knowing the answer." And really, isn't it true that every time, right before we know the answer, we always....don't know the answer! When I think of it like that, I am ready to deal with confusion and be a lot calmer - and happier - in the process.

Okay, stay with me. A sign of a person's maturity is his/her ability to live with - even in - confusion. The average person runs from confusion and seeks an easier path. "I can't do this," he says. "This is not for me." The mature person - the high achiever - will understand that ife's grand prizes are guarded by confusion and says, "I cannot do this...yet." I am not good at this yet, but I will work and learn and become better until I am competent, then excellent, then great!"

My buddy Wilson, texted to say his doctor advised him to do an angiogram. Let's take an honest look at your health. If you find out that you have a certain condition, you can choose to be in denial or anger or regret or you could choose to re-visit the way you eat, the way you exercise, the kind of schedule you keep, the ways in which you take care of yourself.

And this is a game-changer. Life will always be an exciting adventure that's full of twists and surprises...if we can manage to stay open and accept our ever-changing reality.

Take counsel in the words of Sir George Bernard Shaw: "Never mind likes and dislikes; they are of no consequence. Just do what must be done. This may not be happiness, but it is greatness."

Why Worry?

"Are you worried?" Siew Fong queried point-blankedly. "Now that the two companies are integrating"

I used to love the Dire Straits album titled "Brothers in Arms." The last song on the album is "Why Worry." The song speaks about the inevitability of problems in our lives. It also reminds us of the hope that brings us through dark times.

We worry about a lot of things, don't we? I know I do. Some nights I lie in bed and my mind is just racing with things I need to do, or things I need to tell others about. I have to stop, consciously, and remind myself that I am imagining all these scenarios, and they are not real. I do this by reminding myself that in the past, situations have never worked out the way I thought they would.

I don't know if you have noticed, but things very rarely work out the way we think they will. So why worry?

As I look back on the things I have spent endless hours worrying about, they never worked out the way I thought they would, but they did work out.

The peace that followed this acceptance was beautiful. There were days when I couldn't be happy, but I think that accepting this leads to a more peaceful existence anyway.

My body had always been a great indicator of where my emotions had been. If heartburn or acid reflux would present itself, I could recognize where my thoughts and feelings had been in the days or weeks leading up to this.

But telling people not to worry is like telling them not to think of a white elephant. How often we hear people say, "Worrying won't help" or "Worrying is not going to change anything." As true as those words are, they don't make people say, "You're absolutely right. I won't worry anymore."

Problems are inevitable in a marriage, in a career or business and in health and well-being. There will be laughter after pain; there will be sunshine after rain. It has always been this way, so why do we spend so much of our time and energy consumed with worry?

Life goes so fast, whether you live until your twenties, forties or eighties. Everyday in itself is a gift and blessing. It is all we ever have anyway, the moment we are in.

No regrets

First it was Brexit. Then in a stunning upset, Donald Trump was elected the 45th president of the United States. What we are seeing are rejections of the status quo and ordinary people saying they want their countries back. 

At some point, we too, need to regain control of our lives, by eliminating those things that distracts us or holds us back. We need to look at everything that's on our plates and decide what must be cleared.

No matter how much we want things to stay the same, life is all about change. Sometimes change is for the better, and sometimes its not. Holding on is believing that there’s only a past; letting go is knowing that there’s a future. The past clogs up the future. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, a painful breakup, a business failure, or a treacherous betrayal, holding onto past pain and resentment will only hold us back.

Richard Paul Evans puts it this way: The ship releases its anchor not for the anchor's benefit, but for the ship

Everyone has problems. Some choose to be whiners - some choose to be winners. Some choose to be victims - some choose to be victors. Stop using past pain as currency to buy out of present living. In the end, the victimhood mentality simply is not worth it.
 The things we often think we need are sometimes the things that keep us trapped in an unfulfilled life.

We can never know how long we are here for or how long those we love will be. Now having been through what I have, I know how valuable old and loyal friends were in carrying me through. Most people have friends but when it comes to the crunch, there are not a lot of friends who can be there through the absolute hardest times.

Life gets busy and friendships fade away. There will always be people who come and go in life, friends included. But those who truly matter, those who you love most dearly, are worth every ounce of effort to stay in touch with.

In the end, what matters to people is how much happiness they have brought to those they love and how much time they spent doing things they themselves loved. Life doesn't allow us to go back and fix what we have done wrong in the past, but it does allow us to live each day better than the last.

Express gratitude; everything will be a little brighter

"8 things happy people do differently" One of my ex-classmate from the class of '81 sent me a video with that title via Whatsapp. Number #1 was: never let the things you WANT make you forget about the things you HAVE. 

Part of my daily rituals involves getting myself in a place of gratitude. Whether it's driving to work or simply sitting down in a quiet room, I will do my 2-minute gratitude exercises. You may be wondering what my gratitude exercises are. They are so simple. I reflect on my gratitude list, a list of all the people, things and opportunities I am grateful for. What's on the list? My family, friends, health, food, clothes, my home, my car, money, meaningful work, my team, my office, my talents and abilities, travel and so on. I remind myself for all I have to be grateful for.

Gratitude is really important to me. For you it may be something different, but my experience leads me to believe that when we are in a state of gratitude, everything is a little brighter.

I have always had a real passion for music, and I have always enjoyed Billy Joel's music.  Three years before Billy Joel wrote the song "Piano Man", he was financially broke, professionally failing. And when his girlfriend left him, he decided to commit suicide by drinking a bottle of furniture polish and a bottle of vodka. The next day, very sick, he checked himself into a mental institution. Three weeks later, he checked himself out. He was a new man. It wasn't any medication the doctors gave him. The other patients had cured him. They reminded him of how fortunate and gifted he was,a d they had shown him how much more life could be. He was given a new perspective on life.

At different times on our lives, we all need a startling new perspective.

We view things not as they are, but as we are. Our mind creates a drama, a comedy, a tragedy, a romance out of what simply arises. As an anonymous poet once wrote, "Two men looked out of prison bars; one saw mud and the other saw stars." As much as we wish otherwise, the world unfolds as it will. All we can do is raise our vision to find purpose in our growing pains.

Problems are inevitable in a relationship, in a career or business, and in health and well-being. Hardship is a part of life - but whether we view it as a tragic or heroic, grotesque or purposeful, depends on our perspective. Our mind can light a candle or curse the darkness - the choice is ours.

Learn by doing

I attended a 2-day training program in Macau last week.

Other than rocket science, we don't need to be born with exceptional abilities nor be super-talented to master something. All it takes is to get on the path and stay on it. Only by being immersed in the process that we will come to know the road. All that's required is taking the first step.

Here's a fascinating point: all infants are successful. When you were a baby, trying to learn how to walk. Did you ever thought of quitting? Did you ever say to yourself: "You know, it looks like I may just not be cut out for walking. Oh well. Guess I'll have to crawl for the rest of my life..." Of course not. Constantly falling down was really uncomfortable (it hurt) but you kept at it anyway. Why? Because that's just the way we're designed.

I constantly ask myself: Are there any situations in my life today where I've given up and decided to keep crawling for the rest of my life?

If so, why is it so difficult, so impossible, to do something today that I had no trouble doing when I was less than a year old?

The answer is as simple as it is sad: somewhere along the way, we lose faith. We become too grown-up to take baby steps. We gave up on the universal truth that simple little disciplines, done again and again over time, would move the biggest mountains.

The stepping out of our comfort zones is kind of like stretching. Obviously, all growth involves some stretching. What some of us fear to try, others may find very natural and easy. For me personally, speaking conversational Mandarin is a typical challenge. For some friends I know, the challenge is different: giving a speech, disagreeing with a boss, learning a musical instrument. What have you always wanted to do, but were afraid to try?

We acquire deeper wisdom through world lessons than we do through word lessons. World lessons teach through experience. Exeperience involves the journey. A book can point the way, but we must still make the journey. The lessons of experience are always positive, even if the experience is not.

And eventually, when we ourselves become worthy of emulating, we should serve as a guide to others. In Macau, Rauf Malik told the story of how he grew from bellman to Vice President. I, myself, started out as a lowly computer operator, working shifts. The cream has become butter - and now we're the mentor.

Pope Francis has this to say, " Some think that they are important because they are more knowledgeable than others; they want to lord it over them. Yet what really makes us important is a love that understands, shows concern and embraces the weak."

Is there a member of your family or team whom you pay less attention to because they aren't as "smart" as you are? Reach out to them today with sincere interest in their life.

The Power of Questions

As a panelist at ITB Asia last week, I received a list of 29 questions from the moderator.

Creative people are constantly questioning the things they see and experience: questioning assumptions, questioning authority, questioning reality and questioning the status quo. But questions can be tricky. The way we ask the question can impact the answer we get.

Clearly, leaders are looking for answers.

I learned early on that asking the right questions is the best way to help people find the answers. Good questions are often far more powerful than answers. Good question challenge your thinking. They reframe and redefine the problem. They are powerful tools to get directly to the heart of the matter, the key to opening locked doors.

In ancient history, Socrates and Jesus used questions to great effect. In the 20th century, intellectuals such as Albert Einstein and Peter Drucker loved to ask provocative questions.

What do you think?  are four potent and irresistible words. It is one of the most powerful motivating forces in human nature. People crave two things above all else. They seek appreciation and they want someone to listen to them.

Because of Steve Jobs' unparalleled innovation and drive, Apple became the most valuable tech company in the world. Jobs is famous for his intense question "Is this the best you can do?" which infuses Apple's corporate culture. This is an exceptionally powerful question. Use it and it will help others achieve things they did not believe possible.

This may surprise you: I often do not learn from my experiences. I often race headlong from one activity to the next, never pausing to reflect. Setbacks are great teachers, but so are successes. To help myself get the most out of my experiences, nowadays, I ask myself: What did I learn?

How many times a day do we say "If only...?" If we could create the perfect life, the perfect home, the perfect job, the perfect mate.

If you could, in retrospect, change one thing about your childhood, what would it be?

If you could return for one year to one age in your life, knowing what you know now, to relive that year as you wish, which year would you go back to?

If you could have personally witnessed one event in history, what would you want to have seen?

If you could be guaranteed one thing in life besides money, what would you ask for?

We all fantasize and we all dream. We dreamed as children and we dream now because without our fantasies we would be lost. We imagine in order to learn, to understand, to strive, to attempt, to predict, to avoid, to correct, to describe, to solve. Everybody, old or young, fat or thin, intelligent or not, from one culture or another, has the ability and inclination to wonder.

 

It's not always about you

Luke Cage is Netflix's latest hit series. I find Luke Cage especially cool because what makes Luke so different and special, even amongst himself and all other superheroes, is that he’s out there in a modern, realistic world, alone, with his name and no mask.

Never doubt that a single, thoughtful, committed person can change the world. because one person, by his/her committed consistent, actions, will have a ripple effect that will in time created a thoughtful, committed group of thousands. Or millions.

In my 40's I began finding that I had a passion for paying forward - the knowledge, the mentorship, the personal growth and development, and the success.

Some people seem more naturally disposed to looking for goodness than others, and I have to admit that I am not one of them. Patiently seeking the good isn't always that easy, especially when things don't go how we would like them to or when people hurt us deeply. However, those who believe people are basically good seem to be happier than those who believe that they are not.

I am determined to develop the habit of seeking the good in everyone and everything. That doesn't mean I will always find it. From time to time, I know I will be disappointed. But I will strive to make this my first inclination, my default position.

I have a friend in Kuala Lumpur who is among the busiest people I know. I have known him for twenty years now, and whenever I talk to him on the phone or see him in person, our time together never ends without him asking, "What can I do to help?" At first I thought he was just being polite, but over time as I have come to know him and the way he lives his life, I have learned that he lives to serve others. He has taught me to keep perspective on my own role and responsibility as a leader.

Some people spend their whole likes serving themselves, their petty interests and selfish desires. Have you ever receive a call from a friend who has not spoken or contacted you in years, only for him/her to ask you a favor or for some information?

President Obama puts it this way: "When you feel as if what you're doing is not about you and your success, but delivering for people who put their hopes and faith in you, then you don't want to disappoint."

 

Look inside to attain personal peace and satisfaction

The whatsapp profile picture of my friend Geraldine reads: "Blowing out the other person's candle will not make yours shine brighter."

Society has it backward. My view of success has changed. I have come to realize that true success is about living from the inside out. I don't see it as a failure anymore if I don't make a certain income or get a certain job. As part of this new paradigm of success, I have stopped comparing myself to others. I don't care how much money people make or how "perfect" their life seems.

Like many of us, I lead a busy life. I want to accomplish a lot. I'm tenacious in pursuing my goals. I feel successful when goals are progressing or at least I know I've given them my all. As a recovering workaholic, admittedly I still have a lot I want to achieve in my life.

I now view it this way: success is when I give my all, then let go of the results. Whether or not I land the job, or any other goal, each outcome offers an elegant lesson. As painful as it feels, sometimes you try your best and don't succeed. Though failure can be a blow to your ego and heart, learning to deal with it successfully, without getting hopeless or cynical, is a sign of a truly powerful person.

Of course, expectations have a lot to do with our happiness. It is one of those life lessons that is hardest to learn. To the extent that we think our happiness will come from outside things or even other persons. Disillusionment always seems to follow when we expect someone or something else to make us happy.

The more I look within myself and not to other things or persons, the more I experience a sense of personal peace and satisfaction. I am slowly but surely shifting my mind-set to focus on what I do have and what I'm grateful for in life, not what I'm lacking.

 

Reframe to stay cool, calm and collected

In Hong Kong last week, Elva told me about her moving from her home in Hangzhou to study in Australia and eventually she landed in Hong Kong to work. As she spoke, I thought about my relocating from Kuala Lumpur to Singapore.

The physical act of moving helped me see that some things in my past need to be discarded; some things need to be kept and treasured. The days of slowing down and handling both types of artifacts forced me to reflect on the various seasons of my life. Maybe we shouldn't wait for a move to do that.

Just like flowing water is soft yet powerful, it is yielding, forceful, flexible. It surrenders to gravity without resistance, adapting to the shape of any container. I have since learned that water reveals the most intelligent and powerful response we can make in any circumstances. Growing up, I was taught to fight for what I believe in - to never give up. I am not advocating passive toleration for what we don't like, or ignoring injustice, or allowing oneself to be victimized or controlled. I can't pretend to appreciate the flu, or bullies.

Life doesn't always give us what we prefer. So, at the basic level, the secret of feeling good is simply to accept reality, and what life puts on our plate, no matter how "shitty" or "inconvenient" it may seem at the time. Is this easy to do? Hell, no. Our first instinct will always be to be disappointed, get pissed off, or throw a fit when things don't go our way.

I am learning to embrace and make use of my situation, in a spirit of appreciation. To accept both satisfactions and letdowns in the spirit of growth. By shifting my perspectives. I am intrigued with the idea of surrender - of letting go at the right moment - not as defeat or loss, as it is frequently thought of, but as a positive intuitive way of living.

This is a habit I am working very hard to develop: to reframe my perspectives to see that life is not only about getting what I want, but also learning to want what I get. In the hope of a better way to be.

 

We have the power

Paralympic swimmer Yip Pin Xiu broke the World record and won Singapore's first Olympic gold medal. She has muscular dystrophy.

It would be very easy for someone like her to quit on life and stop living. Yet, she saw beyond the pain and heartache and went after life with determination and courage.

The past twelve months had been very challenging, character-building months. It seems like disappointments, injustices and other incredibly painful adversities are always chasing us. Sometimes the hits just keep on coming.

We never let the negative events to affect our attitude. Everyone in the team kept focused, even through the frustrating times, on our goals. We monitored our thoughts and rejected negative thinking and negative people who hold us back. We took life on, lived it passionately and courageously, and never let defeat stop us for more than the time it takes for us to acknowledge it, recognize its impact on us, accept it, learn from it and then move on.

Sadly, as humans, we are not particularly good at staying happy. Positive emotions wear off. Whether we've won an award or closed a big sale, with time, we tend to return to our happiness baseline.

Throughout this period, as leader, I tried to boost moods by arranging frequent positive events. I have learned an invaluable insight through this time. Experiences are more rewarding than objects when it comes to keep team morale up. Research shows we remember events more positively the further they are in our rearview mirrors. Just think back to a vacation you've taken in the past. But that Samsonite case in your cupboard? No longer quite as chic as when you got it.

We are greater than our circumstances and anything that could ever happen to us. That's what LC Robinson meant when he said "Things may happen around you and things may happen to you but only the things that really count are things that happen in you.". We have that power in us.

 

Courage to express our feelings

I saw some children in the garden yesterday and I watched how naturally they all showed their feelings. If they liked someone, they said so. If they were sad, they cried, released it, and were then happy again. It was refreshing to watch the honest expressions.

We are at times afraid of being honest and open. Of course, it is to avoid the pain that may come as a result of our honesty. But these walls we create bring pain of their own. We adults have lost such ability to be so totally open. If we were once like that as children, perhaps we could learn, to varying degrees, to be that way again.

If people can't accept our honesty or react in a different way to how we'd hoped, it doesn't matter. What matters is we have told them.

On a personal front, we need to muster the courage to express our feelings honestly. Tell people you love them. Tell them you appreciate them, then you will not have to live with the guilt that is carried if someone they loved has passed and things have gone unsaid.

On the professional side of the coin, sometimes colleagues and leaders become blind to what does and doesn't work. They engage in counterproductive behaviours believing they are doing the right thing. It takes a lot of courage to express our feelings and sometimes we are not always strong enough to do this. So much is held back by pride, apathy, or fear of reprisal or humiliation.

This much I know...we cannot control the reaction of those with whom we share this openness with. It is easy to focus on what we don't like about a person, but we must be sensitive to their needs as well. It wasn't an attack on any individual, merely just sharing the imbalance I felt was happening.

We should never feel guilty for expressing our feelings and we should never make someone else feel guilty if they had found the courage to do so.

To that end, I seek out honest feedback. I genuinely want to know whether my interactions help or hinder the performance of those around me. These feedback help me monitor the vital signs, as in a medical checkup.

While expressing feelings in some relationships may come at a price, I have some other relationships in my life which are now of mature honesty and true quality.

It's difficult to wait but worse to regret

Joseph Schooling, who left home at age 14 in pursuit of a dream many labeled impossible, has delivered Singapore's first Olympic gold.

Life is made up of hopes and dreams. The great people of history dream without limit and seek it with unrelenting energy.

It takes courage to dream. Whether it is asking a girl out on a date, starting a business, battling a disease - everything in life requires courage. Most of us are afraid. Afraid of losing the things we have worked hard to buy, afraid of failure and rejection, afraid of criticism, afraid of heartache, afraid to tell people how we really feel.

The need for courage is at any age: how can I manage my job and move up the career ladder? How do I get off this career ladder and retire? Who will I be without my identity as a sales leader? Of course, what seems like courage in our earlier years may look different in our later years, simply because we don't always stay afraid of the same things.

It is easy to become so busy worrying about the future that we forget to live our dreams. The pursuit of the dream fills us with hope, passion and enthusiasm. When we stop dreaming, we slowly begin to disengage from our work and our relationships.

My life has been filled with so many dreams come true, and for that there are many people I am grateful to. Mentors, colleagues, friends made considerable contributions to my journey. If you look back on your life, I suspect you will also discover a variety of people who, to varying extents, have helped you along the way. These people who took an interest in you and your aspirations no doubt had an enormous impact on your life.

In various aspects of our lives, we also encounter other people who need to be challenged and encouraged in the direction of their dreams. "Give to others what you most desire for yourself,"a mentor once told me. If you want to be appreciated, appreciate others. If you want your work to be valued, value others'work. If you want a successful career, help another's career to flourish. I have played my part in helping people in my past and present teams advance personally and professionally.  I take pride in my accomplishments, large and small.

Success has many facets. Marriage might mean success for one, misery for another. For me, success can never be about just what I "do". It's also when I can laugh, love and to feel happy about the tiniest things. It's having a peaceful mind and some blessed downtime rather than knotting myself in frustration, especially when things fall apart. If one goal doesn't happen, it's natural to feel disappointed or angry. But, I still focus on being grateful for the other blessings I''ve been given. I don't always succeed at this, but I am learning.

A new kind of physical education

Our world puts a premium on the ability to tough out adversity. We celebrate people who ignore their bodies' danger signals in order to achieve. Many people confuse working long, hard hours with achieving results.

As I watch the Olympic Games, I am reminded of the basic rule of peak performers: get the proper amount of rest, eat a good diet and exercise. Executives are high performers too, and should strive to tune in to themselves the way an athlete would, in order to have a work life that would allow them to work at their best.

Somehow, in my twenties and thirties, I did not think I needed what the rest of the mere mortals must have to be at my best. I know too well what it's like to push myself on relentlessly - irrespective of how my energy levels work. 

Previously when I was not respecting my body's needs by slowing down or reducing stress - the first thing to go was passion. I now act on my body's intuitive alerts, instead of fight impulses that are meant to protect me. Listening to these signals has radically improve the quality of my life.

If I'm tired, I rest. If I'm hungry, I eat a delicious meal. If I'm tense or upset, I have some fun.

This may mean I have to cancel plans, say no to others, or make unpopular choices in terms of what others expect.

Our bodies are meant to move. We're not built to spend our lives hunched over a computer, chained to our desks. Studies have linked a sedentary lifestyle with more deaths even than smoking.

Even if your fatigue or packed schedule is real, five minutes of exercise or stretching will provide a boost. A new study published in the American Journal of Physiology suggests that stretching done by middle-aged or older adults, significantly improved the flexibility of their artery (which, when blocked is the cause of a stroke). 

Be grateful for what you have, including health. Sometimes we forget the blessing of mobility.

The smallest actions can make the biggest difference

It is action, not words which is key to building trust, image and a relationship.

If a salesperson whom you hardly know says, "just trust me," what is your first reaction? Is it trust? Or suspicion? Trust must be earned and it is earned by the actions that are taken.

The smallest actions can make the biggest difference. To make huge strides, we take small steps. A single word can make or break us; a last straw broke the camel's back.

If a man is overweight, it's because he has eaten too many calories over a long period of time, not because of a big dinner the night before. If a man is a good partner, it's not because he gave her flowers and chocolates yesterday, but rather, because he has been faithful and caring to her over many years.

While BIG things are worth celebrating, don't wait for that one big chance to show our trustworthiness. We get thousands of small ones. Consistency in spite of who is watching is what matters to people. This is true for every interaction between a leader and a team member, and a salesperson and a prospect. The leader or salesperson is trusted either more or less on the basis of every single experience.

Play the cards you are dealth with, and play them well, until you get dealt a new hand.

Conflict can be a golden opportunity to grow stronger

How well do we use conflict to improve our relationships rather than destroy them?

In my many years of work in a sales environment, I have seen seller/buyer and couples' lives ravaged by arguments, denial and blame. Yet, I have also seen relationships rebuilt with empathy, sensitivity and compassion.

At some point in our adult lives, all of us have lost control of emotions. Frustrations mount, heart rate rises, pulses quicken. We've all said and done things in the heat of the moment that we've later regretted.

Communication skills and styles develop and change with our own personal development. It is important to remember that even though we're communicating well right now, the situation can change dramatically when we least expect it.
No matter you and your partner are upset about, you must never forget the main objective: to be heard and understood. All of us want to believe our feelings matter to our partner, that understanding who we are and supporting us in our endeavours is one of our parner's top priorities.

When we communicate our thoughts is just as important as how we get our message across. Sometimes it's not what we say so much as what we didn't say that creates the problems in our relationships. Most of us know that "right" thing to say in any situation, but we get so caught up in our own lives that we didn't bother treating our partners and close friends with the same tact and civility that we extend to our clients and coworkers.

In both personal and professional relationships, a willingness to settle can be more important than "being right." Within every conflict lies a golden opportunity to find new common ground and grow stronger.

Energy management instead of time management

The National Sleep Foundation has this to say: "As a nation, the United States appears to be becoming more and more sleep deprived. And it may be our busy lifestyle that keeps us from napping. While naps do not necessarily make up for inadequate or poor quality nighttime sleep, a short nap of 20-30 minutes can help to improve mood, alertness and performance. Nappers are in good company: Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, Napoleon, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison and George W. Bush are known to have valued an afternoon nap."

Let's face it! There are 24 hours in a day. It doesn't matter how much money we have, or who our father is, 24 hours is all we get. We don't need more time; we need more energy.

For us leaders today, it is not about managing time. We wouldn't be where we are if we did not have any notion how to do that already. However, if we don't manage our energy, we may find that when the time to do something important, like negotiate a high-value deal or go to the movie with a loved one, we may just not have the energy for it.

If we do not eat, we will die. Sleep is also one of our physical needs. If we do not sleep, over time we will become delusional. But we don't just sleep because we have to. Sleep refreshes us. Sleep energizes us. Sleep heals us from the stresses of daily life. When we view it from this positive perspective, we maximise the effects of sleep.

From the collective wisdom of hundreds of elite athletes and medical doctors, I now realize the most important issue regarding sleep is when we sleep. It is not also the case of the longer the sleep the better. It's about the quality of sleep.

Our modern world works against this in so many ways. When I was twenty eight, like a great number of people, I upheld lack of sleep as a source of pride. Like them, I convince myself that to be successful, I must sacrifice sleep and rest - I even believed this to be heroic.

Over the past five years, I have taken control of my life and adopted a regular sleeping schedule. I have seen it work in my life, and I have seen it work in the lives of others. I feel like a different person with new energy, new enthusiasm, new passion for life. Being rested is not just about being awake - it's about being able to devote myself completely to whatever is before me every single moment of the day.

I find that I feel amazing and have a seemingly unlimited amount of time during the day to get things done.

Give best efforts no matter what the outcomes

"Winners never quit and quitters never win" I saw this quotation today at the library. The game of poker has taught me sometime different: Winners do quit, and quitters do win.

There is a time to quit. It comes after you've tapped some reserve of hidden strength and courage when it seems you have nothing left in your tank. It comes when you have exhausted your mental and physical resources. To keep absorbing punishment would be foolish and masochistic. You stop hitting your head against the wall and live to fight another day. So you quit fighting the battle just so that you can win the war.

I realize that many people in this world have had to overcome adversity to get to where they are. My story is not much different.There's a period of six months when there's non-stop blow after blow of injustice, setbacks and unfairness. In addition to the discouragement I felt, my frustration was at an all time high. At this point, I must tell you two of the most important lessons I learned from those and other challenges that I have faced:
1. don't dwell on disappointment - determine to do your best anyway
2. we don't always know what's best.

This has taught me in a very clear way that we can't allow people and events to ruin even a minute of our day, much less our lives.

No matter what our desires or preferences, the universe will do what it pleases. We cannot control whether we win a game, find love or succeed in business. I can only make the effort, the outcomes are not mine to control. I am beginning to learn to let go what I can't control. Sometimes strength means holding on, and sometimes it means letting go. I strongly believe that this is the key to living in balance.

This is the bond that links successful people. Success without adversity is not only empty...it is not possible.

Being true to me

Of all the regrets of the dying, the regret of not having lived a life true to themselves was the most common.

I too, wanted to do things for me and I just didn't have the courage. This is because of my need for affirmation, encouragement and acceptance and the need to belong. And for decades, I carried on with the life expected of me, the whole time, knowing there was something else waiting but not having the courage to seek it.

During my twenties and thirties, I was having a lot of fun. Those decades had been hard for me. Somehow I survived that time though. Looking back, I have no idea how. An example of being influenced by the surrounding environment is watching down-to-earth and already happy people get caught up in the chase for more, more, more after a job promotion. Sometimes this will bring happiness, sure, but not always.

Experience has taught me that I am not alone in all of this. Our desire to please is innate, be it our parents, children, friends, colleagues, boss, spouse. Another thing I learned is that we will never be happy pretending to be someone other than ourselves. On too many occasions to count, and in ways too embarrassing to recall, I have tried to impress people by pretending to be someone other than who I really am.

They say though that we do more to avoid pain than we do to gain pleasure. So it is when the pain becomes too much that we finally find the courage to make changes. I now resolve to be true to myself, be brave enough to live and work the way I want to, regardless of what other people say.

It was time to do things differently. It was time to choose a different way, to speak up and say "enough." After speaking up, things started to change within myself. I grew stronger in self-respect and clearer in self-expression. Some new and healthier seeds had finally been sown. It was time to start living and working as who I wanted to be, one small step at a time.

Another step forward is also to acknowledge my imperfections. I may not be a details person. It's not necessarily a defect. It is just part of who I am. This is not to say I am negligent of my commitments, and to some extent, I strive to improve my ability to manage details. But I also surround myself with people who thrive on taking care of the details.

Think of it this way: a tree does not try to make all its branches straight. And yet it does change and grow over time. The answer, for us, is to try to live in that delicate balance between striving to improve in character while celebrating our unique personality and talents.

Life is not about doing and having; it is about becoming. Not to become some poor imitation of our parents, our friends, our siblings, or our colleagues and boss - but to become the best-version-of-ourselves.

Fire your people up, not flame them off

"Feeling like production units instead of like people." "Being treated like machines." The executives of a leading tech company who prided themselves on caring for their employees, discovered they were ineffective leaders in a staff survey. Imagine the shock.

Here's the million-dollar question: As leaders, do we treat our internal customers and team members with as much respect as senior executives and customers?

I remember when I was just starting out, it seemed to me that the guys with the fancy titles really had power. I thought if I ever made it to leadership, I would be king of the world. 

In a recent survey findings, there was a very simple consensus: No one wants to work for or with someone that they consider to be a jerk! There is no gentle or easy way to say it. Jerkish behaviors or attitudes that destroy leader effectiveness include self-interest, treating people with disrespect and contempt, winning at someone else's expense, power trips, being a con artist and manipulator, lying and lacking integrity, talking down to people and never listening and displaying a "me-first" approach to everything. All these things have one thing in common: they flame people off instead of firing people up.

I have made the same mistakes early in my leadership career. I was an autocratic terrorist because I was, as many leaders are, seduced by the allure of control. These are well-intentioned experts who believes he can help all team members rise above their imperfections by teaching them the "one best way."

As a young leader, I thought that I have more control, but in retrospect, I don't. I actually have less control that the people who report to me. Each individual can decide what to do and what not to do. He/She can decide the hows and the whens. All I can do is influence, motivate, berate or cajole in the hope that most of my people will do what I ask of them. This isn't control.

This I firmly believe: Great leaders are smart enough to realize that  their people make the primary difference in any organization. Do not underestimate the bottom-line impact of showing care, empathy and compassion. The two-long standing virtues where this is rooted in are being able to "walk in someone else's shoes and "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Today, perhaps more than ever before, people are examining what they're doing and why they're doing it. Knowing now what I didn't know then, my task as a leader is to inspire my people. The solution is as elegant as it is efficient: Agree on the outcomes and then get out of their way and let each person find his/her own route towards those outcomes.

Too often, people in power just assume that because they are the "leader" everyone will treat them accordingly. But it is one thing to occupy the position of leader and quite another to have the legitimacy to lead. With legitimacy, you can only lead by fear. And fear simple will not enable you to command people who are strong and self-confident. If you are to lead people who have strong and independent spirits, you must win their hearts and minds. There is no better way to win their hearts and minds - and to earn your legitimacy - than by leading from the front. It demonstrates that you are ready to give them everything that you ask from them.

Simon Sinek says it best when he said "Leadership is not about being in charge. Leadership is about taking care of those in your charge."

 

The One that Angers You controls You. Don't give anyone that power!

"John, do not keep interrupting me. Also, calm down, there is no need to raise your voice. If you keep this up, I will not continue this conversation with you. We can speak again some other time when you are ready to speak calmly," I put my foot down, firmly and controlled.

In a negotiation, particularly in a bitter dispute, feelings may be more important than talk. Emotions on one side will generate emotions on the other.

Some people are difficult to deal with because they believe that their appalling behaviour gets them what they want. They are takers through and through, and they take from you whatever you are intimidated into giving to them.

As far as I am concerned, how people behave is entirely up to them and not really part of my business. My role is not to take what they do or say personally. As a sales negotiator and leader, their behaviour does not and will not affect the outcome. Given this doomsday scenario, scoring points, sarcasm and direct rebuttal are not useful behaviours, nor is rolling over and playing the patsy.

It's hard to remain clear-headed during such times and not get swept away by emotions. If discipline slips it can have all sorts of ramifications. Whenever we show somebody how much their actions upsets us, we reinforce their behaviour and  strengthen their resolve, and the greater their determination to continue with it until they get what they want.

Having learnt the best lessons in my youth, these days, when dealing with people whose behavior and manners are beyond the pale, I try to separate the people from the problem.

.