Surviving heartaches and disappointments

The long-awaited Avengers: Endgame has already sold more than double the total advanced tickets of Captain Marvel, The Last Jedi, Aquaman, and Avengers: Infinity War combined. The anticipation and excitement for this movie is simply unmatched. We know the heroes will do do “whatever it takes” to get the job done, which means we shouldn’t be surprised to witness all sorts of heartbreaking moments throughout the film.

We experience heartache, disappointments and curveballs of some kind -caused by a death, a divorce, a breakup, a diagnosis, news of some kind that has shattered life as we know it. All you know is that life looks very different now. It brings you to your knees with shards of glass around your feet.

In my very bones, I understand how you may be feeling. Your heart is completely broken and your dreams no more. With your whole life tipped upside down, you feel numb from the shock and in total disbelief; heavy-hearted and full of dread, you sense a long and desolate journey ahead of you. I know - I felt it, too. You feel odd, as everyone else's lives around you keep going on; yours has been rendered unrecognizable to you. While going through the motions into the unknown, you feel overwhelmed with anxiety and fear.

You're asking, "Who am I now - without this love / this family / this job / this sense of security / this self-image?"

No one is prepared for sudden loss. The rug is pulled from under your feet.

And it's OK to acknowledge that this crisis, this pain, is NOT what you want....but you're going to have to deal with it. Life continues on no matter what. 

You don't get to choose who dies or who leaves you, or what happens to you - even though there are times you may blame yourself and feel guilt for what has happened - but you get to choose how you think and where you put your attention and focus.

Work gave me a place to feel more like myself and the kindness of my colleagues showed me that not all aspects of my life were terrible. After a death of a loved one, when someone goes back to work, grief can interfere with their job performance. These losses could be decreased and the load lightened for people who are grieving if leaders provided time off, flexible and reduced hours, and financial assistance. Providing support is both the compassionate and the wise thing to do.

What I learned is that I have control only over the choices I make every day, beginning with putting my feet on the ground every morning. It all happens in baby steps - one right after the next. With each step, we influence how and when we get back to happy.

And if this seems like an impossible dream right now, we will heal and return to wholeness and joy, however difficult that may sound today. I learned that when life pulls you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end - - John Lennon

Find your truth tellers

The 2018 World’s 12 Most Powerful Women according to Forbes: Angela Merkel, Theresa May, Christine Lagarde, Mary Barra, Abigail Johnson, Melinda Gates, Susan Wojcicki, Ana Patricia Botin, Marillyn Hewson, Ginni Rometty, Sheryl Sandberg, Gail Boudreaux

I feel fortunate to be surrounded by the most extraordinary women.

I trust my instincts to make decisions and a big part of that is knowing whom I can trust, or whether I can trust anyone at all. Because no matter who you are, part of success means recognizing the people who can help you get where you want to go. I make sure I surround myself with people who are going to be honest with me and look out for my best interests.

There are people who understand their team, environment or processes and are willing to voice their observations. Find these people, keep in regular communication, and let them know you value their observations. 

Trusting others is like giving up control and letting someone else drive, they're in control of where you go and how you get there. I can't sit in the passenger seat unless I am 100% confident I can trust the driver, and one thing I know for sure, is that there are a lot of bad drivers out there.

Surrounding yourself with excellent people is especially challenging when you're successful. Everyone wants to be part of the team. You have to be careful about whom you choose to keep close, and who needs to find a different day job.

A hammer can destroy or it can build; a knife in the wrong hands can kill you, but in a doctor's hands it can heal you. You're only as good as the tools you've chosen. I am meticulous about putting my key people in place; I take a long time to but an ideal team, but when I finally get everyone I need, I stay committed to keeping the team intact.

And my MVP is the one who has the balls to tell me the truth, even when I don't want to hear it.

But highly successful people rarely get to hear the truth; they're surrounded by people who go to tremendous lengths to keep their place in the circle of trust by managing the truth, shovelling polite opinions and puffy compliments, and generally keep the boss happy.

But the boss doesn't always need to be happy. Sometimes he needs an honest smack in the head. You want to be the most valuable player in the circle? Be the one who looks the leader in the eye and tell him what everyone else is afraid to say. He might hate it, he might hate you are saying it, but a true leader knows when he's being set straight. And guaranteed, the next time he needs to know whom he can trust, he'll be looking for you.

There are some who speak, and I have my doubts.

There are others who speak, and I listen.

Then there are the few who speak, and I believe.

You have to get out of their way!

The world's second-largest Starbucks operates in Shanghai. The Reserve Roastery is the world's "highest-grossing Starbucks." Starbucks currently has 3,300 stores in 141 cities in China and projects to have 6,000 stores in 230 Chinese cities by 2022. That's a pace of almost two new stores a day!

It’s hard to imagine going to a Starbucks without thinking of a cold Starbucks Frappuccino® blended beverage and the green straw. Starbucks didn't invent the Frappuccino. An employee did.

Is there anything achievers (professionals who get serious stuff done) detest more than not being able to determine their own destiny? I don't think so

To want to do things that are significant, but not have the authority to act, is professional prison. To be certain, top talent won't settle for sitting around in prison. They flee. And fast. Leaving entire teams comprised of people who will tolerate being disempowered. 

People ultimately resent leaders who creates a pressurized workplace that undermines autonomy. Driving for results by adding pressure and tension blocks people's creativity and ability top focus, leaving them feeling inadequate or ineffective at coping with the circumstances - which undermines competence.

We all know of a "Boss-Zilla," - leaders whose tactics  include persistent psychological abuse as such using aggressive language and tone, criticizing unfairly, blaming, applying rules inconsistently, stealing credit, making unreasonable demands, issuing threats, insults and accusations and assigning pointless tasks.

That kind of leadership is not sustainable. It might produce decent performance in the short term, but there's no way that fear leads to any sustainable result in the long run.

As a leader, I'm far from perfect. At the beginning of my career, like many young leaders, I thought my role was to tell the team how to work, and theirs was to carry out my directions. There have been plenty of times in my career when I have allowed my hard-charging energy to bring down the people around me. It has taken me years to be more mindful. As time went by I learned to control my temper. I find I need daily practice. My dispositional nature is to be quick to judge and react. I get a rush from the self-righteous indignation that comes from knowing I am right and someone else is wrong.

Eventually I realized that a great performance would happen only when the motivation sprang as much from them as from me. I learned to see my job as simply creating an environment where that could happen. 

If a leader wants his people to truly own the work, then he has to be willing to let go of some control. You can force compliance with your directions, you can require obedience, but you can't mandate enthusiasm, creativity, fresh thinking or inspiration. If you value that, then people must feel the ownership of the work, and the leader must cede some control to them.

I have witnessed the transformation of team members in the environment I create today, one that's open and safe, where they're allowed to be themselves and have a point of view and take risks. What happens is I have a team that is more centred, committed and willing to take the hill. I've got a team that can overcome adversity because they're a lot more resilient.

It just makes me feel good.

Lead with compassion

A premature ejaculation drug has sparked a $150million legal battle. Jeff Abraham tried to sell his sexual wellness start-up to Reckitt Benckiser for two years - opening his books to RB during confidential negotiations - only to find RB advertising a new PE treatment just like it after the negotiations fizzled. The case illustrates the challenges faced by a scrappy startup with giant multinational companies using their large presence in the marketplace to bully.

If you have been bullied as a child or adult, you know how demeaning it feels.

The department of Justice defines bullying as "repeated acts that involve an imbalance of power" between dominating individuals and meeker ones. They cite three kinds of bullying: physical, verbal (making threats) and psychological (intimidation, social exclusion). My intuitive read on bullies is that they're power-obsessed, eerily empty and devoid of empathy. Anger darkens their hearts.

Over the years I have learned to address anger, whether justified or not, and learn how to cope. You are like my younger self, if you are one of these:

...when I'm hurt, I want to hurt the other person
...little things make me mad
...I am frequently irritable, bossy and argumentative
...I say things during a conflict that I regret later
...I make judgmental and cutting remarks
...my anger hurt loved ones
...I hold onto resentments
...I lose my temper in traffic jams and queues

Today, as I proactively work on developing compassion and empathy, I am much nearer to a peaceful zone. Sure, you can act spitefully and dump anger on others. Being compassionate doesn't mean you'll never get angry or that you'll be a doormat.

A coworker takes credit for your ideas. Mention this to the coworker, your boss or HR, and don't trust him with ideas in the future. However, try to forgive the coworker for being such a greedy, insecure, mean-spirited person that he has to stoop so low as to steal from you.

In our society, people tend to use words as weapons. I am a sales leader. I make my living using words. I know that words matter. We all have a slip of the tongue or a moment of verbal indiscretion. Maybe more important, I've learned of the degrading effect that inappropriate words can have on all of us.


Muhammad Ali said it best :“ I don’t trust anyone who’s nice to me but rude to the waiter. Because they would treat me the same way if I were in that position,"

After so many books and seminars, why hasn't my life change?

30 lessons I learned before turning 30. Taylor Swift in a piece for Elle said “it’s healthy for your self-esteem to need less internet praise”, “it’s good to mess up and learn from it and take risks”, “All that glitters isn’t gold, and first impressions actually aren’t everything”, “They don’t give out awards for winning the most fights in your relationship. They just give out divorce papers”

Many of us believe that when we graduate from university, our education is finished. But our true schooling has only begun as we shift from word lessons to world lessons

There's no denying that in my younger days, understanding the unique language of money and how the financial system worked has always been my blind spot, and I was too proud to admit it. I would make a dollar and spend a dollar and fifty cents. The more money I make, the more broke I got.

Once I learned that the world didn't come to an end and that I could work my way back to being whole again, I gained enormous confidence and wisdom about how to live; how to have humility, what matters and what doesn't, how to succeed against all odds. It builds up enormous strength inside me. 

Most people find strength in things that are outside them; money, power, titles, wardrobes, cars. But most of the things that make a leader are on the inside: integrity, wisdom, confidence, passion, compassion, intuition. These things come from experiences of life's trials. You can't buy what's not for sale. 

I have learned authenticity counts, and that the best route to an authentic life is through your scars. As you earn them, you learn to drop the B.S. in your life. 

It's a scientific fact: you cannot have a rainbow without a storm. 

The storms of life offer an opportunity to respond in one of three ways to personal tragedy. You can give up...you can use whatever dulls the pain most, be it alcohol, drugs, work or money...you can grow and create something useful out of your painful experience. Giving up and coping are code words for avoidance, and the story of avoidance never ends well. 

Wisdom comes from dealing with your mess. All of it. But few people want to do that because it is just too much: too much work, too much pain. No experience is ever wasted because every experience contains a lesson. The lessons of experience are always positive, even if the experience is not.

Our presence speaks volumes before we say a word

The nude Mona Lisa – a charcoal sketch of a naked woman known as the Monna Vanna - might Have been drawn by Leonardo da Vinci, according to investigators from the Center for Research and Restoration of the Museums of France (C2RMF), following extensive testing.  The drawing’s hands and body bear a striking resemblance to the Mona Lisa, one of Da Vinci’s most famous pieces on display at the Louvre.

In a survey, "grooming and polish" was chosen by more respondents than "physical attractiveness" or "body type" as a key contributor to executive presence. It's a huge relief for me that the success factor relies less on what I was born with; rather, what I do with what I've got.

My Success Coach tells me that attire has a real impact on careers. It's also one of the first aspects we notice about someone. Over the years I've seen, and heard a lot of commentary around executive attire - most of it behind people's back. Nowadays, I carry this adage with me: dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I keep my wardrobe updated and make sure my clothes are properly fitted. Styles change as do waistlines. Even on casual Fridays, I will dress for presence, not for comfort. 

Seeing an ex-colleague of mine recently with revealing clothes at work reminds me of the words of Coco Chanel: "Dress shabbily, they notice the dress. Dress impeccably, they notice the woman."

Aside from dressing, my Success Coach constantly reminds me that how I act and how I speak are equally important with how I look.

Time and time again I made costly mistakes. Take my centre court joker phase. I may have what it takes to be the office joker but I failed to understand words and actions underline or undermine our executive presence. I now understand that my early struggles to command attention and respect did not centre on my work ethics and knowledge but centred on the way I presented myself. Twenty years later I hit another image problem. It turns out executive presence needed to be nurtured, invested in, curated. I failed to do this and fell flat on my face.

No man or woman attains a top job, lands an extraordinary deal, or develop a significant following without this combination of confidence, poise and authenticity. You may actually hit the numbers, attain the ratings or have a transformative idea. rather it's a matter of image whether you signal to others that you are star material.

If your presence doesn't make an impact, your absence won't make a difference.

Dealing with disrespect

Lady Gaga’s “Shallow” won best original song at this year’s Oscars. Lady Gaga had once said, “I had a boyfriend who told me I’d never succeed, never be nominated for a grammy, never have a hit & hoped I’d fail. I said to him someday, when we’re not together, you won’t be able to order a cup of coffee at the f**king deli without hearing or seeing me.”

You can't force a person to show you respect, but you can refuse to be disrespected! You don't ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. 

Never make excuses for someone who disrespects you. Who they are or what they do isn't a pass to treat you like trash! It doesn't matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend or a new acquaintance - you don't have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. Angry, bitter, resentful, stressed out, physically maxed out, emotionally drained...all signs you are dealing with someone toxic but also where boundaries don't exist or have been overstepped. It's one thing if a person owns up to their behaviour and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries and "continue" to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go. Maintaining a relationship with someone who repeatedly hurts and disrespects you is more painful than letting them go. 

Think about how many people stay in relationships that stopped working long ago. Their reasons range from being afraid of losing the security of having a partner to simply not wanting to be alone - and everything else in between. In any case, fear motivates their decision to stay. 

Fear, a form of stress, is the mother of all negative emotions because we associate it with survival, perceived or real. We become puppets whose strings are pulled by this emotion; we suffer physically and emotionally as a result.  Understandably, we're easily overwhelmed by fear until we learn to disengage from its suction. 

Throughout history, people have consistently tried to gain power, personal or political, by instilling fear in others. Sad to say, it's a ploy that predictably works. The million-dollar question is, what prevents generations of intelligent people from seeing through this emotional manipulation? 

Like everyone, I have my share of fears to confront. It really pisses me off when darkness wins, even for an instant. Therefore, my credo now is: I will not give in to fear.

You too can make this shift. Just because you're afraid of something now doesn't mean you always have to be. Don't let someone get comfortable with disrespecting you. It's bad when they don't treat you right, but it's tragic that you continue to allow it.