Dealing with toxic people

Last week was a dark week for the world. It's been a week of terror with horrific events born out of violence in Manchester, Bangkok, Jakarta and Egypt.

There are also people in the office who thinks they are and behaves like kings/queens of their mountain, and they're simultaneously trying to protect them and take over bigger mountains. I'm sure you have known some people who don't root for you unless they know you're dying - and they've seen the lab reports. This is the real world. In this world, we're either the cook or the meat. Real world - no varnish.

Most people know right from wrong. Why don't they do the right thing?

Hurtful people don't go to hell; they are already in hell. That is why they behave as they do. Ultimately no one gets away with anything. Resenting people only allows others to live in our head rent-free.

The point? However it may appear in the short term or on the surface, what goes around always comes around. It doesn't always come back in the same form, or even from the same person. Whether or not one believes in divine justice, the world is a mirror - it reflects, or gives them back, what they put out.

There is a Chinese that describes the way humans operate: before hitting a dog, first identify the owner. If the dog belongs to a wealthy and powerful family, beating such a dog would be unwise. Understanding this concept is vitally important.

Fight fire with...less fire. If Mr or Ms Testosterone try to control the action with their bang-bang play, let them. Or let them think they are. Let them mistake your silence for weakness.

No, I'm not going soft. It's just that I have made some mistakes by fighting fire with fire, and I have paid for them. Now I let karma sort it out. I hope you can learn from my mistakes and avoid the same land mines that I had the misfortune to step on.

 

Accept reality

Disney's relive-action remake of Beauty and the Beast has become the highest-grossing live-action movie musical in history, and taking more than $1.2 billion around the world, making it 2017's highest-grossing film worldwide to date.

Now think of some part of your life that you don't like, can't accept, wish were otherwise.    According to this tale—we must learn to love this very thing we currently hate. Until we do, we are trapped in this prison cell of not accepting our life as it is.  It is only through this kind of acceptance, that we come to appreciate our issues as the gifts they are. 

You see, the source of almost all anger, depression, sadness is a discrepancy between our preferences/desires and our reality. We want something to be one way, but it turns out a different way. We get frustrated. We get upset. 

Maybe you wanted a salary increment. But they decide not to give you one. Maybe you wanted a job. But they decided to give it to another candidate.

Who are we to act so entitled?

It has taken me a few years to learn to catch myself fighting against the reality of the moment, and instead accept reality for what it is, and ultimately be able to be happy and "feel good" without depending on anything - or anyone - to do so.

Perspective is the only thing that can dramatically change the results without changing any of the facts. We can choose how we see things. Without proper perspective, it can lead to cynicism and hopelessness.

Anthony Robbins went so far as to say, "Trade your expectations for appreciation and the world changes instantly." It means to challenge ourselves to find the beauty in the beasts in our lives.

 

Are you making progress?

Futurist Peter Schwartz described Singapore as the "Apple of Nations," favorably comparing Singapore to Apple Inc, famous for its innovation, noting the transformation from the days of unwanted independence into the modern metropolis today.

Am I making progress? Am I a better person today than I was a year ago? Am I happier? More fulfilled? Am I a better parent? child? employee? leader? teammate? colleague? friend? Am I healthier? Am I more financially independent than I was a year ago? Is my work becoming more satisfying?

In my mind, progress is change, however small,  for the better.

For every person, progress would be different. Many people I know feel trapped. Trapped in a job that rarely challenges or constantly frustrates them. Trapped in relationships that are stagnant, if not destructive. Trapped in the consequences of choices made earlier.

Any honest look back will recall things we wish we would have done differently. I have learned to come to terms with them, accepting them as markers from which I learn something valuable for the future.

I used to behave how I feel. Nowadays, I embrace the thought that I can always choose how I act, despite how I feel. I can choose to be offended. I can choose not to be offended. It really is that simple. Not necessarily easy. Simple. I can choose to be upset, hold a grudge and ruin life-long relationships because of that choice. Or I can choose to grow up, laugh, shrug, forget it, and move on. I can choose not to allow the actions of someone else to dictate mine.

The biggest mistake I made in the first half of my life is not taking enough time on the things that are really important. So going forward, I constantly remind myself to make sure I don't repeat that mistake.

 

The sandwich years

Three colleagues of mine - Jan, Clarice and ShirleyW - decided to have a child. They'd decided to give up quiet evenings, lazy weekends and intimate meals. They'd decided to turn their sofas into trampolines.

ACE turned 18 yesterday!  My "little boy" is not so little anymore.

Young adults are old enough that their parents are no longer looking over their shoulders daily, but young enough that many choices are still open for them to explore. They live in the now and don't think about aging or mortality.

Later in life, they'll start taking on responsibilities  - making a living, finding a life partner, perhaps raising children. Their children will remind them of their own pasts, what they used to do and think at the same age.

Life becomes more complicated when we're in our 30s and 40s, as decisions made earlier in life now becomes more concrete and less open to changes than before.

Having turned 50, my life task is to generate. I influence the next generation of colleagues, either through mentoring or by example. At 52, I am between past and future. I'm particularly aware of time passing as I watch ACE grow. Having elderly parents, I am particularly aware of my parents' time passing.

This is also a time of developing a sense of mastery over weaknesses and character strengths to grow. Though still very stressed at work, I handle it better.

Albert Einstein puts it this way: “Weak people revenge. Strong people forgive. Intelligent people ignore.” 

Kids have a way of humbling us. They reveal our weaknesses. This may be hard for us, as adults, to accept, but absorbing the parenthood experience is about accepting the daily situations when our kids shape us. What ACE does so easily at 18, I am cultivating now at 52.

 

How will you be remembered?

Inventor Richard Browning showcased his “Iron Man-inspired” homemade suit equipped with miniature jet engines by taking off and flew uninterrupted for around 10 minutes. "The whole journey was about trying and failing, and learning from that," Browning said.

Life is an experiment. 

 All too often, through our 20s, our choices were a mix of hope and guesswork. Jobs and relationships become a series of learning experiences as life doesn't work out as we might have hoped or planned. If only we had known then what we know now...

There is no best career. There are both satisfied and dissatisfied people in medicine, sales, law, teaching and every line of work. In my own search for career and calling, I traveled a winding path. After passing my O Levels,  I studied computer science because, in 1981, I was told that the future was in computing, but ended up now as a sales leader.

Martin Luther King Jr, has this to say: Whatever your life work is, do it well. Do it so well that no one else could do it better. If it falls on your lot to be a street sweeper, sweep streets like Michelangelo painted pictures, like Shakespeare wrote poetry, like Beethoven composed music; sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will have to pause and say, "Here lived a great street sweeper."

When you have a choice, choose the best. When you have no choice, do your best.

Time decides who we meet in life. Our heart decides who we want in our lives. And our behavior decides who stays in our lives.

We all slip into the "poor me" mode at times. I am not about to preach "positivity." The fact is, pain and difficulty are not fun - I speak from my own experiences.

Day by day, time seems to move slowly. If you're a parent, you know that one day your struggle to get your child to eat and then, before you can turn around, he's grown up and left home. As a leader, each day doesn't seem to make a huge difference, but before we know it, those days have added up to weeks, months, and even years or decades you've spent with people.

Sometimes, at the end of every day, I try to look back and wonder whether I made a difference, where I encourage someone, teach someone, invested in someone and see him/her stronger as a result. Are the people in my team better because of their time with me? That's a simple but powerful test of my leadership. Long after everything fades away, it is our influence, our relationships and how we impact the people around us - these things endure.

 

Why leadership presence?

United's stock shed 4% - more than $1billion loss in market value - over the course of the week as outrage flared over a passenger being forcibly dragged off a plane. It was a PR nightmare was complicated by the way the CEO responded which was like throwing gasoline on a fire.

According to Harvey Coleman...Image (what other people think of you. Your personal brand) is three times more important than performance to career success.

Many ambitious executive wannabes have a flawed assumption that they can propel  themselves to the top through hard work, self-sacrifice and a little emotional intelligence.

You work hard, try your best but don't seem to get the opportunities that you want and feel you deserve. Why is it so much easier for others?

If nobody's told you yet, it's not about how smart you are or how solid your achievements. The new realities are that you need leadership presence - the package of intangibles, like flexibility, passion, social poise, energy, communication skills and appearance.

That's the burden of leadership: everything we do and say is significant and has impact. My ex-boss used to tell me "perceptions are other people's realities"
We all want to be loved and accepted. In truth, nobody is loved by everybody. Even the greatest men and women in history have critics. We are no different. Some people are going to like us, dome are going to love us, some are not going to like us at all, and some may even despise us.

Now in older age, I find myself become less reactive, less overinvested in success. I know well how things don't always go my way and that there is a limit to what I can control. So when defining my values and personal brand, I remember that I am in for the long haul.

You can try to fool some people, some, of the time, and will. But if true to yourself and to others, your personal brand will be far more enduring, rewarding and marketable.

As Mark Twain advised, "Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

 

Trust affects us all

A statement from White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer cited, in their first meeting, President Donald Trump and Chinese President Xi Jinping  discussed an array of topics which included North Korea. For years, the United States and the international community have tried to negotiate an end to North Korea’s nuclear and missile development, but North Korea has repeatedly cheated on its commitments.

Trust can accelerate and mistrust can destroy any team, family, relationship. No matter who we are and what our role is, trust affects our influence and success. Influence is not the power to make people do things. Influence only comes through credibility - the extent to which people know you, believe you, trust you and respect you.

As a leader I never tell the team anything that I don't absolutely believe myself. I always tell them the truth.

Likewise, when building team, I embrace the principle set by John Wooden: "A player who makes a team great is more valuable than a great player." No matter how productive or competent a team member can be, if that person is not trustworthy - which means no hidden meanings, no dealing in the shadows, no backstabbing -  that person has no place on my team.  

Most people consider themselves to be honest people. Criminal psychologists speak about criminals who actually convince themselves that they didn't commit the crime. People deceive themselves at different times and in varying degrees. They do it sometimes out of convenience and sometimes out of cowardice.

In this hyper-competitive world, we all want to win, but we can win well. We can win without losing out souls.