The husband-wife combo: Progress or perish

"An affair caused Tiger Woods car crash," Andy read the headllines. "A good marriage should have no serious problems. A poor marriage is one in which there are many problems," he continued, almost starting a debate.

I beg to differ. Problems go along with people - in and out of marriage. If you don't have problems, you're probably in coma.

The difference between smooth sailing and shipwreck in marriage lies in what we as a couple are doing about the rough weather.

Who wins or loses?

"The cold war has begun," Bob moaned. "My wife has not been speaking to me for 3 days now."

When you are angry with each other it is common to see the situation in terms of a winner and a loser, with ourselves as the one who deserves to win.

But when this happens, there is one sure loser - the relationship.

When you set out to win or force your partner to your point of view, the benefits are only short-term. Setting out to win - especially if you always succeed - shows a lack of respect, which undermines the relationship.

Ode to single parents

"I am a single parent," Edward announced to me while we were in Kunming. "I live with my 9-year old son in Beijing now."

I realise 1-parent homes are not all equal. Some were created by divorce and others by death of a spouse. Some parents have never married. Some single-parent families live near relatives and enjoy the benefits of closeness with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Many live far away from relatives and have to pretty much fend for themselves.

No matter what your situation, if you are a single parent raising your children alone, I know you can effectively show love to your them.

Turn down the volume

"Keep quiet," the mother in the front row on SQ0850 screamed at the crying child just before take-off.

In communicating with children, perhaps the most serious mistake a lot of parents make is the volume they use.

Calm, confident and firm - that's what authority is all about and that's what I believe, kids understand, respect and respond to. When you're out of control, you've lost your kids and their respect.

A leader's #1 priority

"(The lads) were anxious to do well and sometimes young players don't know how to slow down," Alex Ferguson said after Manchester United's 23-match unbeaten home run were broken by Besiktas. "That's a natural part of improving and developing a young player."

A football coach's #1 priority is to attract, develop, nurture, organize and motivate the club's talent. Coaches are intimately aware that the future success of their club depends on the talent they attarct, engage and retain. Finding and nurturing talent is their #1 priority.

Why should priorities of a Director of Sales & Marketing or any other leader be any different?

From right: Shirley, Rae

All this talk about family

"Thanks Paul, for the well wishes," Esther wrote on my FB wall post. "I had fun at BLR with my family.. :)"

We hear a lot of talk about "family" these days. Politicians talk about "family values." A lady I'd interviewed spoke about "wanting to spend more time with her family." We excuse behaviour we would otherwise not tolerate with the all-forgiving comment, "Well, they're family."

Family represents a sense of belonging. It feels that if we can fit into our family, we can fit into the world. The more impersonal, complex and overwhelming the world gets, we turn to our family for comfort and belonging.

The other side of the coin is this: if members of our family - those who presumably know us best and care the most, are critical, then who will love us?

From left: Ben and Fab

Living with the aged

I visited my granny last weekend. It would be one year on Boxing Day next month that she is immobile due to a fall.

Everytime I vist her I do an eyeball evaluation of her well-being. Each time I look at her lately, she appears thinner and more frail.

Living in a body that is slowly losing its function, her will is the last remaining thing that my granny can truly control. She is losing her vocals. She is losing her ability to walk.

Whatever happens to my granny becomes my parents' and my aunt's responsibility to address. They have to deal with difficult logistics, with supporting and nurturing her through another physical insult to an already battle-scarred body. For 90 years gramps has made decisions about her body and her life. Without our help. We need to respect that. And I do.

No one size fits all

Barack Obama once said, "We live in a culture that discourages empathy. A culture that too often tells us our principle goal in life is to be rich, thin, young, famous, safe and entertained."

As a leader I try to get into the shoes of my staff and look at the world from where they sit to help me understand them, with the sole purpose of developing them according to their capabilities and strengths.

When dealing with customers, I try to relate and sell according to their personality traits.

from left: Chloe, Shirley, Simon

Extended families

I have just returned from Melaka after attending my wife's cousin's wedding yesterday. They had a 13 years courtship and had finally tied the knot.

For the newly-weds, here's my 2cents worth: Just because you are compatible with your spouse, it doesn't mean your entire family will be as well. Not only do you have to like your in-laws; they have to like you. And don't forget about the 2 sets of in-laws getting along with one another. Siblings may also play a part in your family drama. With so many different personalities, it's a wonder how some families ever manage to sit down to the dinner table together at all.

Move on

"You remember you said you wanted to email me something," Diah reminded me over dinner. "I am still waiting."

Diah. this is for you: The pain of a broken heart will fade in time, as all emotions do. With a physical injury, you experience the initial pain, and then the healing begins. The ame is true in losing a relationship. But if you continue to poke an injury or reopen a wound, it takes much longer to heal. Your continued contact only prolongs your pain. If you both want to be together, then work it out; if not, avoid any further contact.

A Zen proverb: "If you sit, sit; if you stand, stand; but don't wobble."

Every adversity has hidden gifts and lessons that reveal themselves over time. For now, know that as painful as it may feel, the healing has begun. Learn from this experience, and get on with your life.

Giving our all

"Gone are the days when we can scold your staff," Juliana moaned. "Nowadays when we tick them off, the next thing we know, they file a complain to HR."

Currently, when a manager demands his subordinates work so hard that they actually hurt, the manager is branded a tyrant or sadist.

These days when you ask employees to make a sacrifice they think it means mortgaging their houses.

If we, in our work, are not pushing ourselves to our limits everyday, then we're just another salary-stealing punk who's tagging as a passenger.

Those who endure pain learn about themselves. Their limitations, the full extent of their abilities and how to motivate themselves. Also they will become, rightfully, proud of themselves and of other team members. They will develop self-respect for the team.

Diah at TTC

Language means a lot

"Words that we use are powerful," Ms Leong told the class of CU4. "Look at LKY and Mandela. The way they speak is known as economical words. Precise, well-selected words which are very impactful."

1 of the most damaging negative attitude is self-defeating languages. Get rid of can't should, must, ought to and but. Don't go to the gym because you should or because you ought to. I go to it because I want to get your blood flowing. I do it because it will make me feel better. I don't go to work because I have to. I go to work because I am going to bring new energy to the job.

I won't die when I retire

"I have a Gen Y heart," Karen revealed during the ACTA Prepare and facilitate Classroom Training course. "Trapped in a Gen X body"

The boredom of older people isn't so much the result of aging. Rather it is the result of loss of enthusiasm and interest in life. People are boring, not life. Boredom is a problem with even teenagers as it is with older people. The problem, the way I see it, is suffering from hardening of the attitudes, not hardening of the arteries.

I have decided that I will not be an "old man." I plan to live to 90 and die young. I am always going to be open to life and keep on learning something new, so when I finally die, I might be an educated man with some wisdom. I'm in my middle years and I'm using the time to set some growth goals for the rest of my life.

Handling criticism

"Our new boss likes to shout and criticise the staff," Cindy said with a sigh in between bites of the pizza. "Criticising is ok, but do it objectively."

Criticism is inescapable. No one can avoid being criticised - no matter what our position or profession.

When i receive criticism, I used to be depressed or angry. I don't cringe at criticism or become annoyed anymore. I know now that it is a sign of emotional immaturity, if we cannot tolerate to be criticised.

Since criticism is so common, you will only make yourself unhappy if you cannot respond to it in a positive way.

I have learned to look at it objectively and learn from it.

Having said that, I have to state that criticism that is based on spite or jealousy is very hard to accept because it is unfair. It is hostile in intent.

I don't stoop to pettiness - to the low level of my critic. I believe a dignified and restrained silence is my best reply. But there may be times when it will be necessary to refute criticism that is false.

Fighter for my people

'I can tell that you have a very open and strong relationship with your staff," Jaclyn said enviously at Tehran Grand Bazaar.

If you want people to back you, back them, back them, back them. I am loyal downward; and I spread credit downward.

Every leader wants people to see his vision and follow his lead. He needs loyalty to make that happen. The leader needs to provide loyalty to get it. How can they complain about subordinates' lack of loyalty if leaders don't give it to them 1st? You get what you give.

Privately I might take them aside and try to "correct" their thinking, but I don't let them roast on the open fire.

from left: Jades, Grace, Eleen, Let,MT, Shirley, Cebbi, Nadeem

Confidence shows

"Iraq’s expelling Khomeini in 1978, at the Shah’s insistence, gave him an even more effective pulpit in France where he remained until 1979, returning to Iran only after the Shah had fled, " Rodney explained the history of the Iran revolution to me over a kebab dinner. "The Shah’s crumbling self-confidence, the Carter administration’s refusal to provide him with non-lethal military aid and Khomeini’s resolve led to collapse of the care-taker Bakhtiyar government in 1980."

Confidence is contagious and so is the lack of confidence and a customer will recognise both.
Confidence means trusting in someone and relying upon them. Interestingly enough, it also means relying on oneself - self-reliance.
There's a saying: "A team that thinks it's going to lose is going to lose."

Share the dredge work

"Women everywhere are the same," Reza pointed out while we shared a shisha and some Iranian chai post kebab and doogh lunch. "They want love and to some, love is getting presents and some others it's having us to help in the house"

Sharing work at home is vitally linked to marital harmony.

But though my dad didn't help out around the house as much (during my childhood; he's doing plenty now), I'm doing a whole lot better.

In this hustle and bustle world, everybody, in short, is tired. This makes the hours that we spend at home with our families that much more precious, and figuring out a way to share the dredge work that much more important.

Empower through trust

"When it comes to refined service and exquisite hospitality, one name stands high above the rest: The Ritz-Carlton Hotel Company," Joseph Michelli told the us at the Amcham luncheon. "One of their key principles is that they empower employees by treating them with the utmost respect"

Empowerment is simply giving the people closest to the problem the authority and responsibility to resolve the problem.

If people are constantly saying "You'll have to talk to the manager, "It's not my job" or "I can't make the decision" then they are basically telling the customer that the leader has not empowered his people.

From left: Rae, Grace, TiTin

All about handshakes

"Very nice to meet you," Trung said, with a 2-handed politician handshake

Like most people, I dislike dead-fish handshakes. I attribute them to lack of self-confidence, lack of interest or bad manners. When someone offers only 3 inches of fingers, I sense immediately that this is not a take-charge person. And if you have clammy hands, always dry them off before shaking.

I always am the 1st to extend my hand, grip firmly and shake twice.

Eleen

Mufri

Let

Lead, not rule

Melvin Purvis, acted by Christian Bale in the movie Public Enemies said, "I'm afraid our "type" can't get the job done. Without qualified help, I'd have to resign this appointment. I am leading my men to slaughter."


The way I see it, leadership is about maintaining a delicate balance between pushing and guiding. We leaders mentor. We guide. We set examples. We make decisions. But whatever else we do, we do not merely command.

See you at the top

"The higher we climb, the less positions there are available," Yim lamented. "In fact, the higher we climb, the further we (touch wood) fall"

Think with me here...everybody wants to be on the mountaintop. Check up on National Geographic Channel, mountaintops are rocky and cold. There is no growth on the mountaintop.

The view is great, though. A view simply gives us a glimpse of our next destination, that's what it's for, our next target.

But to get to that target/destination, chances are we must come off the mountain, go through the valley, and begin to climb the next slope. It is in the valley that we slog through, learning and becoming what enables us to summit life's next peak.

The sales occupation - not for the faint-hearted

"I love your job," exclaimed Jasmine. "It's a great job."

The sales line provides many opportunities for social recognition and status rewards, ie salesperson of the month, salesperson of the year, the president's club, an eagle plaque. It goes with the territory, so enjoy the sunlight, its warmth goes right to the soul and will make you feel good about who you are.

Consider this: without the efforts of sales people, the lifeblood revenues of the organizations they are part of would dry up. These are the heroes who allow the rest to play the game.

On the other hand, if you're not cut out to sell and fail to achieve a level of performance consistent with the needs of the organization or the peer group, be prepared to be left out in the cold. It is not for the faint of heart.

When sales people get together...