The paradox of love

"Michael Jackson died a lonely man," Loong commented on the ferry. "It's one of the most frightening things in life isn't it? To be lonely."

All of us experience at some time or another a feeling of loneliness. We go out and find others who will love us. We may do things for them in an attempt to gain their love. We want to feel loved.

We must face the fact that to be loved, we must become lovable. When a person orients his life towards the satisfaction of his own needs, he is self-centred. He is not lovable.

Loving others is when the focus of our minds and the object of our desire is the other person, when all our activity results from concern for the other person and not from concern for ourselves.

The beast - broke the curse when he stopped caring for himself and cared for Beauty instead

Make happiness

"You're either happy or not happy," Tan proclaimed.

Most people expect happiness to happen to them. They don't see it's something they have to do.

We go to alot of trouble to learn Mandarin or Science or scuba diving. We have the patience to learn to operate a car. But have we learned how to operate ourselves?

Whatever my situation in life, I make the most of it. And be happy.

Focus on the good

"I am peeved with my husband," Ah Lan grumbled. "He doesn't appreciate the things I do for him. Instead, he makes sarcastic and hurtful remarks."

Why can't spouses build each other up instead of tearing each other down?How can partners heal the wounds of misunderstandings and past mistakes?

Before we married, all of us saw qualities that we appreaciated in our partners. Then in marriage, many fail to continue to express appreciation for small things - or even the big things - provided by their partners. Even good relationships can slowly sour and die because our efforts are taken for granted.

But she has all these bad qualities and habits that bother me. Right. I try to focus on the good qualities.

Maybe expressing appreciation won't solve all our marital problems, but I think it is a positive 1st step to improve and heal wounded relations.

Being decisive

"Sometimes it's easier for us women to make up our face than to make up our minds," Kim joked.

It's ok to make a wrong decision. But a continuing lack of decision or indecisiveness leaves other hanging in the air and totally frustrated.

There are friends of mine who tell me they have a lie-in when they wake up in the morning. Here's what I think. When you wake up, get up. Otherwise,go back to sleep. If you don't plan on getting up, don't wake up!

I won't ever "completely" retire

Michael Jackson: Superstar Died Too Soon. That was the headlines on Yahoo this morning.

I have decided that I will not be an "old man". I plan to live to 90 and die young. I am always going to be open to life and keep on learning something new, so when I finally die, I might be an educated man with some wisdom. I'm in my middle years and I'm using the time to get some growth goals for the rest of my life.

Old people are discovering the rich untapped talent and potential in themselves. They are setting new goals. Remember, if you believe you are through at 62, then you are through. That became your goal.

I doubt if I will ever completely retire. I wonder how these words of mine will sound to me 20 years from now. I promise I will try to listen to my own advise. I don't like the thought or picture of my being in a nursing home.

If you don't have anything "nice" to say, say it anyway

"My husband is going in for a surgical procedure tomorrow," Shir said

We don't like being cut with a knife. But in the hands of a doctor who is ridding us of a malignant tumour, a knife can be the kindest cut of all.

One of the nicest things I ever did was to hammer some sense at a friend who was "in love" (his definition) (more like "in lust" to me) with a Shanghainese KTV girl while his wife was 8-months pregnant with their 2nd child. He was about to torpedo his marriage.

It worked.

I could have just nodded sympathetically in order to be "nice". I guess only by shocking him with the truth was there any possibility that he would stop embracing the lie.



Think
by Alana

Should you always say what you feel
Think, is the person you're telling going to be able to heal

Is what you're saying necessary for everyone else to know
Just because you're thinking something, maybe you should just let it go

Everyone else around you may not be as strong
Some things need to be kept hidden and you should move along

You don't know where that person has come from or where he's going to go
What kind of day he's had, you just don't know

Before you blurt out everything you feel
Think, is the person listening going to be able to heal?

Falling to the top

I joined ACE for a spot of wall rock climbing at his school.

Life is not safe. Life is not an easy climb. Life is often 2 steps forward, one step back.

I have friends who said "I do" at the altar and then one of them decided, years later, "I don't." I have friends who have been stricken with cancer, who have suffered staggering financial losses and who have lost their mates.

We are all scrambling up the mountain of life, slipping and sliding as we go, sometimes relishing the view, sometimes so exhausted we don't think we can take another step.

I find it particularly useful that even if circumstances are such that we cannot climb with our spouse, find someone to share the trip. A good friend coming along helps in the journey.

They grow. They sure grow.

Last Sunday ACE gave me a powerpoint and youtube presentation which he laboured on as a Father's Day tribute.

I recall the day not so long ago, I was chasing him around a field and for the 1st time in my life I was actually labouring to catch him - and I realised that my "little boy" was not so little anymore.

Papa is the strongest person in the world. Papa is the fastest runner. Papa is simply the best at everything.

Kids really believe that. We know it isn't true.

And then they grow. In stature. In wisdom. In their perception of reality.

I was embarrased the day I couldn't help ACE with one of his science question. But I was so very proud of him. And today I delight in bragging to his grandparents about just how sharp he is in science and maths.

But, of course, he still needs me to critique his English compositions.

Kids. They may be younger and smarter and better looking than us, but that doesn't mean we can't still teach them a thing or two.

Listen to VOC

"The focus group at Swissotel is getting bigger and meetings getting more frequent," Loong stated over a mug of hot choc.

Focus groups is a marketing jargon listening to the Voice of Customers (VOC)

You see, people by nature are not programmed to listen; we are programmed to talk. Listening is something that we in sales have to constantly remind ourselves to do.

For those of us who spend a great deal of our time up front, building relationships with the key players in a customer's organisation eventually bond our customers to us and lock out our competition.

The key, I have learned, to building relationships with these people is more listening.

left: David

My success code

"In the study of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs," a participant in Sime Darby Engineering Effective Negotiation Training queried, "can a person who is at the higher-order need level fall to a lower-order need level despite having satisfied those needs before?"

So you see, I have been to the top, fallen down, brushed myself off, and climbed straight back up. I know I am ultimately stronger and wiser after my experience. It can be done.

I learned that even if circumstances cause you to lose an opportunity or make a change in your life, if you look hard and long enough, you will always find success and happiness in life. I know because I've done it.

I now live by the following code: Don't be afraid to dream, follow your heart and at all costs, never, never give up.

Team building games are great teaching tools

"We'll be glad to facilitate geo-caching for your team," Hwee Li said on the phone. "Our latest teambuilding activity."

Today's workforce expects team meetings to be lively, fast-paced, innovative and participative. After more than a decade of experience with designing and conducting training, I have learned that team building games can help accomplish those objectives.

I often use games to help make a point - one that is clear and memorable. They provide a sharp contrast to "business as usual" by injecting an element of competition, cooperation and fun into team meetings.

Knowing myself and focus on strengths

"I don't think she is doing much," Roanna stated. "If she knows what to do, she can achieve more."

I have always said and believe that if you don't know your own strengths and capabilities, it's natural that you will be constantly trying to be what others expect you to be, and be run ragged trying to satisfy everyone's whims.

Too often we go around trying to be what we weren't designed to be, therefore frustrated with ourselves and others.

At work, as I constantly focus on my team's strengths, rather than bemoaning their weaknesses, I find that productivity is higher and the general environment much better.

From right: Let and Donna

Connecting with my child

"I haven't gone back to Ipoh to see my son for a sometime already," lamented Christine. "Even last Saturday, I worked until midnight. Too much paper work."

Studies have shown that kids who are connected with their parents are better able to ride the waves of adversity than children who are less connected.

Children don't need perfect parents, just parents who are good enough. Since his birth, I have always tried to get connected with ACE and stay connected.

I am confident I don't have to be rich or smart to be a good parent. I just have to be there and care

Replenish what is depleted.

"When we quarrel, my wife becomes historical," Moreno said in his Latin accent.

"Hysterical, you mean?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "I mean historical. She reminds me of everything I ever did to her."

A recent survey indicated that 80% of people over 18 choose a "happy family life" as their #1 goal. A happy family life was chosen over a fulfilling career , or making money.

Couples tend to get used to anything over time. The newness and excitement die down and subsides somewhat. Somehow I believe the love is not lost, the fountain hasn't dried up. We have ceased to tap it, that's all.

This is true not only of a relationship, but of life itself. Everything about living can begin to pall unless we replenish what is depleted.

Being together

Billiard. Snorkelling. Arcade game Time Crisis 2. Monsters vs Aliens

Quality time is a parent's gift of presence to a child. It conveys this message: "You are important. I like being with you."

Trust me. It takes real effort to carve out this kind of time in my schedule and yet, I make that effort because to me, it is rather like an investment in the future - of my child and my family.

Invest time

Kuala Lumpur. We arrived and spent the day as a family on our time away from Singapore.

Researchers have found that many people feel more in control and successful at work than at home.

The way I see it, there are 2 battles raging in our modern lives - for more loving lives for our kid and more committed, resilient relationships.

Time is the central issue, I think. The enemy of love in the modern world is not hate, but hurry. The good news is whenever we invest time and effort, parent and child, husband and wife, friend and friend, then love will grow.

Reading to my kid

I read about great cities of the world to ACE before he went to sleep last night.

Even when ACE was just 1 year old, we'd enjoyed books together. I "hammed it up" by making funny voices or being dramatic. I have him on my knee or lie in bed together at bedtime.

Today, he loves books and is a good reader, writer and speaker. I believe reading to him from an early age made all the difference. And it was fun to do, anyway.

Get away

Johor Baru. Kuala Lumpur. Melaka.

"Time away" scored in the top 10 preferences in s recent survey, especially among married women. Wifey generally take primary responsibility for the care of the home. So I will take her away.

Going away doesn't have to be expensive or exotic (we were in Club Med last weekend). It just has to be something we all enjoy.

Say you're sorry

"Farrah's Story" will just keep filming, Ryan O'Neal says according to a report in K'Brocking Entertainment. Ryan O'Neal was the actor who starred in the 1970 romantic drama film - Love Story. The film, well-known as a tear-jerking tragedy, is considered one of the most romantic of all time by the American Film Institute (#9 on the list), had a line from the film which had entered popular culture : "Love means never having to say you're sorry."

To me, true love isn't "never having to say you're sorry." It's being willing to say you're sorry.

A genuine apology is an incredibly effective way of interrupting a fight and turning it into a cooprative venture. It won't work though, if it's not genuine. The lack of sympathy will show through and the other party will sense it and feel no better.

Acceptance vs tolerance

"My wife's behaviour just doesn't make sense," Ken remarked.

When we do not understand and respect another's behaviour, but are willing to go along with it,then we are tolerating the other - so says the dictionary. But that is not the same with acceptance.

Often it is easier to be more accepting of friends than to accept our partners.

In fact, I think the real problem here is that we do not have a full awareness of all the important reasons the partner has for behaving or feeling as we do. Only when we explore them can we respectfully understand them and only then will we come to true acceptance.

Talking - too much and not at all

"I don't want to talk about it," crooned Rod Stewart on the CD player.

I personally believe that talking about the things that happen in our day is an important element in communication.

However, some people just adopt an attitude of not talking at all. This is a way for them to avoid an issue that is upsetting them. They retreat into silence, or go out, than to risk talking (and eventually quarelling).

There are others who talk about the same issue too much - going on and on about something they want changed - that it becomes nagging. They tell someone else what they think should be done: "You never..."; "You always..."; "I hate it when you..." and so on. But saying it over and over again is not communicating. Repetition won't get anyone where they want to be, in fact it will have the opposite effect of making the other person "go deaf."

Surviving infidelity

"So many people I know have been through it - infidelity," Mr Chung said. "They have become infidels."

Infidelity can either destroy a relationship or be the 1st step toward mending one - that's up to the couple.

Turn on the TV, open a history book, read a newspaper and you can find some examples of infidelity. I'm sure you can think of at least 5 people you know who have had to cope with cheating partners at some point in their lives.

For a long time, I was convince that if a spouse cheated, there's no turning back, that any marriage/relationship, no matter how strong, could survive infidelity - until I met Kim.

Of course the reasons may not justify the behaviour, but getting to the crux of the problem and finding a solution helped them survive their ordeal and build a stronger relationship.

Humourous me

"I always laugh a lot when I'm with Paul," remarked Francis over his pint of Heineken.

In our hurry, hurry, rush, rush, do it now, instant everything world with all the distractions we face in life, in our family and specifically in our relationships, on of the most effective tools to keep romance alive is a sense of humour.

I try to see humour in many of life's daily situations. I turn to humour in my personal, family and business lives regularly, hopefully in a natural and effective manner. I tell jokes, do a little "leg pulling" and share one-liners in my everyday life.

Mum the CCO

"Dad is a man of few words. Mom will go on forever," the daughter Cicily commented on An American Love Story

In many families, mother is the CCO (Chief Communications Officer). All information passes through her.

A survey amongst a large class of college students revealed that when they call home, the vast majority of them talk to their mothers.

I recall my dad was always away at work during my childhood days. Many people recall their fathers as absent too. Even if they are physically present, fathers are always remembered as silent.

Nowadays when I call, dad quickly passes the phone to my mother. But dad will talk at length if I happen to call when my mother is not at home.

Focus on results

Everton drew first blood with a goal after just 25 seconds from Louis Saha, the faster ever in cup final history. But Chelsea relentlessly took charge and won thanks to a Didier Drogba header and Frank Lampard's second-half effort. Neville said: "We started well, scored a great goal, but we didn't build on that when we had the chance early on."

These days, a lot of people seem to think that it's not whether you win or lose; it's how you play the game. Oh, yeah? Then why keep score?

They don't focus on results, and they won't take personal responsibility for success or failure. They'd rather just be safe and snug, and tiptoe their way through life.

I always strive to make everyone feel responsible for the success or failure of the entire team. If the team succeeds everybody on it shoul feel like a hero; if it fails everyone should feel like a goat.

I try to inspire a sense of personal responsibility in my team. I am happy to say that my team just keep plugging away until they turn failure into success. They do whatever it takes to win.

From right: Let and Diah

Dad won't listen

"Your father still refuse to go and see a doctor," mum said over the phone.

How do you help an aging parent who doesn't want help? Let me say at the outset that I haven't found an answer.

For the past two months, dad's skin condition on his arms has not improved. Yet he insists on self-medication.

Recognising his pride or vanity, knowing his stubborness has not helped me. I have begged and pleaded and threatened. To no avail.

When aging parents remain alert enough to make their own decisions, children find themselves torn between feelings of respect and responsibility. Respect for their independence and responsibility for their safety.