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How well do we use conflict to improve our relationships rather than destroy them?
In my many years of work in a sales environment, I have seen seller/buyer and couples' lives ravaged by arguments, denial and blame. Yet, I have also seen relationships rebuilt with empathy, sensitivity and compassion.
At some point in our adult lives, all of us have lost control of emotions. Frustrations mount, heart rate rises, pulses quicken. We've all said and done things in the heat of the moment that we've later regretted.
Communication skills and styles develop and change with our own personal development. It is important to remember that even though we're communicating well right now, the situation can change dramatically when we least expect it.
No matter you and your partner are upset about, you must never forget the main objective: to be heard and understood. All of us want to believe our feelings matter to our partner, that understanding who we are and supporting us in our endeavours is one of our parner's top priorities.
When we communicate our thoughts is just as important as how we get our message across. Sometimes it's not what we say so much as what we didn't say that creates the problems in our relationships. Most of us know that "right" thing to say in any situation, but we get so caught up in our own lives that we didn't bother treating our partners and close friends with the same tact and civility that we extend to our clients and coworkers.
In both personal and professional relationships, a willingness to settle can be more important than "being right." Within every conflict lies a golden opportunity to find new common ground and grow stronger.
The National Sleep Foundation has this to say: "As a nation, the United States appears to be becoming more and more sleep deprived. And it may be our busy lifestyle that keeps us from napping. While naps do not necessarily make up for inadequate or poor quality nighttime sleep, a short nap of 20-30 minutes can help to improve mood, alertness and performance. Nappers are in good company: Winston Churchill, John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, Napoleon, Albert Einstein, Thomas Edison and George W. Bush are known to have valued an afternoon nap."
Let's face it! There are 24 hours in a day. It doesn't matter how much money we have, or who our father is, 24 hours is all we get. We don't need more time; we need more energy.
For us leaders today, it is not about managing time. We wouldn't be where we are if we did not have any notion how to do that already. However, if we don't manage our energy, we may find that when the time to do something important, like negotiate a high-value deal or go to the movie with a loved one, we may just not have the energy for it.
If we do not eat, we will die. Sleep is also one of our physical needs. If we do not sleep, over time we will become delusional. But we don't just sleep because we have to. Sleep refreshes us. Sleep energizes us. Sleep heals us from the stresses of daily life. When we view it from this positive perspective, we maximise the effects of sleep.
From the collective wisdom of hundreds of elite athletes and medical doctors, I now realize the most important issue regarding sleep is when we sleep. It is not also the case of the longer the sleep the better. It's about the quality of sleep.
Our modern world works against this in so many ways. When I was twenty eight, like a great number of people, I upheld lack of sleep as a source of pride. Like them, I convince myself that to be successful, I must sacrifice sleep and rest - I even believed this to be heroic.
Over the past five years, I have taken control of my life and adopted a regular sleeping schedule. I have seen it work in my life, and I have seen it work in the lives of others. I feel like a different person with new energy, new enthusiasm, new passion for life. Being rested is not just about being awake - it's about being able to devote myself completely to whatever is before me every single moment of the day.
I find that I feel amazing and have a seemingly unlimited amount of time during the day to get things done.
"Winners never quit and quitters never win" I saw this quotation today at the library. The game of poker has taught me sometime different: Winners do quit, and quitters do win.
There is a time to quit. It comes after you've tapped some reserve of hidden strength and courage when it seems you have nothing left in your tank. It comes when you have exhausted your mental and physical resources. To keep absorbing punishment would be foolish and masochistic. You stop hitting your head against the wall and live to fight another day. So you quit fighting the battle just so that you can win the war.
I realize that many people in this world have had to overcome adversity to get to where they are. My story is not much different.There's a period of six months when there's non-stop blow after blow of injustice, setbacks and unfairness. In addition to the discouragement I felt, my frustration was at an all time high. At this point, I must tell you two of the most important lessons I learned from those and other challenges that I have faced:
1. don't dwell on disappointment - determine to do your best anyway
2. we don't always know what's best.
This has taught me in a very clear way that we can't allow people and events to ruin even a minute of our day, much less our lives.
No matter what our desires or preferences, the universe will do what it pleases. We cannot control whether we win a game, find love or succeed in business. I can only make the effort, the outcomes are not mine to control. I am beginning to learn to let go what I can't control. Sometimes strength means holding on, and sometimes it means letting go. I strongly believe that this is the key to living in balance.
This is the bond that links successful people. Success without adversity is not only empty...it is not possible.
Of all the regrets of the dying, the regret of not having lived a life true to themselves was the most common.
I too, wanted to do things for me and I just didn't have the courage. This is because of my need for affirmation, encouragement and acceptance and the need to belong. And for decades, I carried on with the life expected of me, the whole time, knowing there was something else waiting but not having the courage to seek it.
During my twenties and thirties, I was having a lot of fun. Those decades had been hard for me. Somehow I survived that time though. Looking back, I have no idea how. An example of being influenced by the surrounding environment is watching down-to-earth and already happy people get caught up in the chase for more, more, more after a job promotion. Sometimes this will bring happiness, sure, but not always.
Experience has taught me that I am not alone in all of this. Our desire to please is innate, be it our parents, children, friends, colleagues, boss, spouse. Another thing I learned is that we will never be happy pretending to be someone other than ourselves. On too many occasions to count, and in ways too embarrassing to recall, I have tried to impress people by pretending to be someone other than who I really am.
They say though that we do more to avoid pain than we do to gain pleasure. So it is when the pain becomes too much that we finally find the courage to make changes. I now resolve to be true to myself, be brave enough to live and work the way I want to, regardless of what other people say.
It was time to do things differently. It was time to choose a different way, to speak up and say "enough." After speaking up, things started to change within myself. I grew stronger in self-respect and clearer in self-expression. Some new and healthier seeds had finally been sown. It was time to start living and working as who I wanted to be, one small step at a time.
Another step forward is also to acknowledge my imperfections. I may not be a details person. It's not necessarily a defect. It is just part of who I am. This is not to say I am negligent of my commitments, and to some extent, I strive to improve my ability to manage details. But I also surround myself with people who thrive on taking care of the details.
Think of it this way: a tree does not try to make all its branches straight. And yet it does change and grow over time. The answer, for us, is to try to live in that delicate balance between striving to improve in character while celebrating our unique personality and talents.
Life is not about doing and having; it is about becoming. Not to become some poor imitation of our parents, our friends, our siblings, or our colleagues and boss - but to become the best-version-of-ourselves.
"Feeling like production units instead of like people." "Being treated like machines." The executives of a leading tech company who prided themselves on caring for their employees, discovered they were ineffective leaders in a staff survey. Imagine the shock.
Here's the million-dollar question: As leaders, do we treat our internal customers and team members with as much respect as senior executives and customers?
I remember when I was just starting out, it seemed to me that the guys with the fancy titles really had power. I thought if I ever made it to leadership, I would be king of the world.
In a recent survey findings, there was a very simple consensus: No one wants to work for or with someone that they consider to be a jerk! There is no gentle or easy way to say it. Jerkish behaviors or attitudes that destroy leader effectiveness include self-interest, treating people with disrespect and contempt, winning at someone else's expense, power trips, being a con artist and manipulator, lying and lacking integrity, talking down to people and never listening and displaying a "me-first" approach to everything. All these things have one thing in common: they flame people off instead of firing people up.
I have made the same mistakes early in my leadership career. I was an autocratic terrorist because I was, as many leaders are, seduced by the allure of control. These are well-intentioned experts who believes he can help all team members rise above their imperfections by teaching them the "one best way."
As a young leader, I thought that I have more control, but in retrospect, I don't. I actually have less control that the people who report to me. Each individual can decide what to do and what not to do. He/She can decide the hows and the whens. All I can do is influence, motivate, berate or cajole in the hope that most of my people will do what I ask of them. This isn't control.
This I firmly believe: Great leaders are smart enough to realize that their people make the primary difference in any organization. Do not underestimate the bottom-line impact of showing care, empathy and compassion. The two-long standing virtues where this is rooted in are being able to "walk in someone else's shoes and "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
Today, perhaps more than ever before, people are examining what they're doing and why they're doing it. Knowing now what I didn't know then, my task as a leader is to inspire my people. The solution is as elegant as it is efficient: Agree on the outcomes and then get out of their way and let each person find his/her own route towards those outcomes.
Too often, people in power just assume that because they are the "leader" everyone will treat them accordingly. But it is one thing to occupy the position of leader and quite another to have the legitimacy to lead. With legitimacy, you can only lead by fear. And fear simple will not enable you to command people who are strong and self-confident. If you are to lead people who have strong and independent spirits, you must win their hearts and minds. There is no better way to win their hearts and minds - and to earn your legitimacy - than by leading from the front. It demonstrates that you are ready to give them everything that you ask from them.
Simon Sinek says it best when he said "Leadership is not about being in charge. Leadership is about taking care of those in your charge."
"John, do not keep interrupting me. Also, calm down, there is no need to raise your voice. If you keep this up, I will not continue this conversation with you. We can speak again some other time when you are ready to speak calmly," I put my foot down, firmly and controlled.
In a negotiation, particularly in a bitter dispute, feelings may be more important than talk. Emotions on one side will generate emotions on the other.
Some people are difficult to deal with because they believe that their appalling behaviour gets them what they want. They are takers through and through, and they take from you whatever you are intimidated into giving to them.
As far as I am concerned, how people behave is entirely up to them and not really part of my business. My role is not to take what they do or say personally. As a sales negotiator and leader, their behaviour does not and will not affect the outcome. Given this doomsday scenario, scoring points, sarcasm and direct rebuttal are not useful behaviours, nor is rolling over and playing the patsy.
It's hard to remain clear-headed during such times and not get swept away by emotions. If discipline slips it can have all sorts of ramifications. Whenever we show somebody how much their actions upsets us, we reinforce their behaviour and strengthen their resolve, and the greater their determination to continue with it until they get what they want.
Having learnt the best lessons in my youth, these days, when dealing with people whose behavior and manners are beyond the pale, I try to separate the people from the problem.
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My description on my Carousell app reads: "I am not here to sell you anything. I am here to help you buy."
Why do we like to shop, but hate to be sold? Because shopping is ours, selling is theirs.
As a sales professional and a leader, I try to learn this powerful tool...to look at people through a different lens: theirs!
We cannot assume that what gets us out of bed in them morning is the same thing that motivates others. I believe that it is essential as a leader to understand, appreciate and embrace what gets other people "up"for a task and excited about their work.
One thing I try to do is that whenever speaking with my team, customers and other audiences, I try to make it about them -not about me. When you are a leader, you may notice that people crowd around to speak with you because of your position. Naturally , they are going to ask you questions and before you know it, you're talking about yourself.
I painfully found out that this is especially true in a presentation or speech. Most presentations start with "me-ness." It's important that the audience know something about us and our company. There are ways to communicate this information so we can focus on the people in the audience right at the onset and focus our presentation so it resonates at their frequency instead of ours.
We are not the hero who will save the audience. The audience is our hero.
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