There is always a way

Que sera sera. Doris Day, the actress and singer whose husky voice crooned this classic song so richly, hauntingly and melodiously, has died, aged 97.

Whatever will be, will be. Life is not what it is supposed it be. It is what it is. The way we cope with it makes the difference.

We prescribe more medication for depression today than any other illness. The suicide rate among teens and young adults has increased 5,000% in the last 50 years. Studies reveal that the more money you have, the more likely you are to take your own life. Economics is clearly not a good measure of happiness. In an age of unprecedented prosperity, there are millions who feel that something is missing in their lives. 

What's the problem? What is missing? What is it that we need that we don't have? How do we get it? 

More than one in every two marriages ends in divorce or separation. The average man or woman is now likely to change jobs five times more frequently than his or her working grandparents. 

Way back in the 90's, I went through a tough time financially. I handled what was in front of me, and stayed open to opportunities. I lived hand-to-mouth, one month at a time. Eventually I rebuilt my life, brick by brick, step by step. I transformed myself from victim to victor. 

Many of the mistakes in my life have come from being impatient: annoyed with how long something was taking, pressuring others to hurry up, or jumping to conclusion. Patience doesn't mean ignoring real problems, but life is full of delays and discomfort, sometimes we just have to wait.

Some of the world's most notable high achievers have flunked or dropped out of school, been fired from their jobs, evicted from their homes or dealt some major setback that forced them to hit bottom. But they bounced back.

The question is, what are you willing to do to improve your circumstances? Your life can, and will change when you take responsibility for the choices you have made - in your education, your relationships, and your life - and begin the work necessary to better your situation.

Consider a child who can't escape bullying or an adult who's been abused. or situations in which one person in a downsized corporation trying to do the jobs of three people. Even subtle forms of powerlessness wear people down over time, such as repeatedly trying to get the sustained empathic attention of a partner and finally giving up. A growing sense of pessimism, futility and hopelessness drags down mood and is a major factor for depression.

Why is it that some people have the grit and determination to succeed against all odds, while others do not? Research shows it's not about having nothing to lose; rather, it's about believing there is much to gain. The sense that you can make things happen rather than being helpless.

In other words, hope means that, in spite of all the evidence to the contrary, you have faith that things are going to work out. Hope helps to anchor you as a storm rages around you - you have faith the sun will be back again one day. It's hope that keeps misery from having the last word. 

Problems don't derail you, your expectations do!

$2.3 billion in free advertising. That’s how much its estimated Starbucks saved when a coffee cup was spotted in a Game of Thrones episode sitting on the table in front of Daenerys Targaryen. Eagle-eyed fans of HBO’s fantasy epic noticed something out of place during a feast scene. Photos and videos of the moment went viral on social media within hours of the show airing.

Are you a noticer? Do you notice things that other people overlook?

It has been said that our biggest opportunities will probably come into our lives disguised as problems. Problems can jolt us out of our predictable routines but only to introduce us to a life of new possibilities. In the end, we probably profit more from suffering than we do from success. We must be ready to look for and find good in all the situations of life.

People are something like wildflowers. Their goodness and beauty can be so easily missed or taken for granted. Sometime everyone should pick a wildflower and study it carefully. There are delicate veins in its leaves. The petals are so fragile. It has a beauty all its own. People, too, need a closer look. 

Our desire to please is born from our need for affirmation, encouragement, and acceptance and the need to belong. I have known people who try to please everyone - parents, children, friends, colleagues, boss, partner - and end up completely miserable themselves. 
We can begin by examining our motives. Why are we doing it? Is it out of a sense of obligation or guilt, or do we genuinely feel called to do it?

I know parents who still clean, shop, wash and in some cases, make beds for their grown children. It's unhealthy for the children and parents. It creates a situation of control and codependency. On the other hand, I know parents who have flown across the country in emergency situations to take care of an adult child who was ill, and this became the birth of a new and deeper relationship between parent and child.

This raises one of the ever-present questions in relationships. How much should we give?

When a relationship is going well, the question seems unimportant and perhaps irrelevant. While the other person is giving freely, we seem willing to give without restraint. But when the other person becomes self-absorbed, we don't know if this is a passing phase or a permanent disposition and the question looms in our hearts and minds. It is easy for us to feel that we are being taken advantage of, even used.

Instead of silently expecting something and feeling slighted when it doesn't happen, let go of that expectation. And when you do something positive, do it because you genuinely want to rather than loading in the added weight of what you expect in return.

You end up sticking yourself with resentment, regret, anger or frustration. Remember, they're not doing that to you, you're doing that part to yourself! You can really accept things for what they are.

Let me be clear about this one. This is not some meek, weak submission to life. Not, this is becoming masterful with your mind and your emotional state rather than succumbing to your internal upsets.

 Our lives, our happiness really are in our own hands. The expectation of people loving us or respecting us is a pointless exercise. I try to free myself from the burden and melodrama of expectation; let the chips fall where they may. Love the life I have, not the one I expect to have. 

You don't get the ass you want by sitting on it

Every 3 seconds, someone is diagnosed with dementia, according to BBC News. 50 million people are living with dementia globally and predicted to soar to 130 million by 2050. Dementia is now the 5th biggest killer worldwide. A review of the scientific literature on stress and dementia risk concluded that stress could play a role in dementia development but is unlikely to be the only factor that causes the condition. 

My Success Coach puts it simply: "Stress is always the evil of all illness."

Extraordinary times require extraordinary health. If we're ill, we'll need to cope and heal. 

In our culture, so much shame and confusion revolves around weight. In the past, every KFC drumstick seems to have my name written on it. I had an addictive craving to food and often overeat. For instance, chocolate turned from simple pleasure to crutch when I gorge on it. 

These days, although I am not on any diet, I focus not only on how food tastes but to how it alters my well-being. I am also now an unabashed water-lover. In my younger days, I pride myself in being a "camel" feeling fine for eight hours without a sip. I misinterpreted this as my body's intuitive need. I now know about the regenerative properties of water, so I drink enough. With my new eating habits, I feel energetically stronger.

These days, I also exercise with the purpose to feel good, to be healthy - and to look healthy. A "must" is to listen to my body's subtle cues because I am clear exercise works best when it harmonizes the body.. I use to think "no pain no gain" and masochistically push through pain (not a pretty sight when I intuit this in people at my gym). I am also crazy about stretching because it releases stress clogged in joints and gets energy moving.

In my youth, like a great number of people, I upheld lack of sleep as a source of pride, chronically working and partying at the expense of sleep. I was convinced that to be successful in my field, I must sacrifice sleep and rest - I even believed this to be heroic. Now as I adopt a regular sleeping schedule, I wake up feeling renewed, refreshed and excited to get into the day - not occasionally, but every day. Being rested is not just about being awake - it's about being able to devote yourself completely to whatever is before you in every single moment of the day. I have seen it work in my own life and I have seen it work in the lives of others.

Deep in your heart, if you know you are working too hard, try to maintain balance. Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with loving your work and wanting to apply yourself to it. But the need to be recognised through our achievements and belongings can hinder us from the real things, like time with those we love, time doing things we love ourselves. There is much more to life. Don't make work your whole life.

Just be yourself

Beauty with brains. That's the slogan of The Miss Nepal Beauty Pageant. Netizens are outraged when a judge chastised a Miss Nepal aspirant (who is comfortable in her own skin) for not wearing makeup and showing up in glasses instead of contact lenses for the audition. That led, Shrinkhala Khatiwada, the current Miss Nepal, to post a selfie in which she appeared without makeup with the hashtag #nomakeupandstillbeautiful. 

The very thought of being authentic can be a difficult one to grasp and hold on to. We must learn to confront the mask we so comfortably wear to work every day. 

On the outside, the mask of a leader would likely say "Strong," "Confident," "Competent," "Ambitious," "In charge," or other words we believe the world wants us to be. But what about a leader's mask say on the inside? "Scared?" "Worried?" "Overwhelmed?" "Stressed?" "Unprepared?" I know mine would. And I bet our masks would look a lot more similar than we've ever really acknowledged.

I acknowledge my imperfections. A tree does not try to make all its branches straight. It is perfect in its imperfection, perfectly imperfect. And yet it does change and grow over time.

The answer for you and me, is to try to live in that delicate balance between striving to improve in character while celebrating our unique personality and talents.

I am not a details person. It's not necessarily a defect. It is just part of who I am. It doesn't give me permission to be negligent about my commitments, and to some extent, I try to improve my ability to manage details. In addition, I surround myself with people who thrive on taking care of details.

Is this desire to present a better face to the world than the one we see in ourselves a necessary component of leadership? How many of us are one person at home and a completely different person at work?

I believe authenticity is less about putting on display the full range of emotions we experience every day and more about sharing our masks so our teams can see who we really are.

Life and work meet every single day. As a leader I want to encourage people bringing their vulnerabilities and full lives to work. There will always be a part of work that is "fake it till you make it." I think that's absolutely fine. We should always be striving for betterment, self-improvement and personal transformation. 

Where we go wrong is asking different questions: what kind of leader does the world expect me to be? What kind of leader does my boss want me to be? What kind of leaders seem to achieve the greatest financial success? 

A much  more interesting - and useful - question is What kind of leader do I want to be?

I had been told earlier in my life that I was ruthless. That I didn't care for anyone or anything, but just did what I had to do to get the next job done. Today, I knew what a mistake that was, and realized I wanted to be sensitive to the people I worked with and to their lives. It works. The results prove it.

Navigate through trials

The Hunchback Of Notre-Dame shot to the top of the Amazon bestseller list in the wake of the devastating fire that ravaged the historical landmark. The fire, however, is not the first time the cathedral has been a victim of destruction — or restoration.

Like the devastation of one of the world’s most recognizable landmarks, every obstacle is unique to us. But the responses they elicit are the same: Fear. Frustration. Confusion. Hopelessness. Depression. Anger.

We're dissatisfied with our jobs, our relationships. We're trying to get somewhere, but something stands in the way. We blame our bosses, the economy, other people, or we write ourselves off or our dreams and goals as impossible. When really one thing is at fault - our attitude and approach. 

Former CEO of Intel, Andy Grove outlined when he described what happens to businesses in tumultuous times: "Bad companies are destroyed by crisis. Good companies survive them. Great companies are improved by them.". 

Great individuals, like great companies, find a way to transform weakness into strength. It's a rather amazing and even touching feat. This is not an article of gushing, hazy optimism. This is not a piece that tells you to deny when stuff sucks or to turn the other cheek when you've been completely screwed over. There will be no folksy sayings or cute but utterly ineffectual proverbs. 

When we're having trouble finding a job, running low on funds, stuck in a bad relationship, locking horns with some aggressive opponent, we need to know that there is a way. We have no idea how far the tunnel extended, and for how long, any light at the end of it is a hope rather than a reality. 

Where one person sees a crisis, another can see opportunity. Desperation, despair, fear, powerlessness - these reactions are functions of our perceptions. You must realize: nothing makes us feel this way; we choose to give in to such feelings. 

We decide what we will make of each and every situation. They can throw us in jail, label us, deprive us of our possessions or freedom, but they'll never control our thoughts, our beliefs, our reactions. 

The struggle against an obstacle inevitably propels the fighter to a new level of functioning. The obstacle is an advantage, not adversity. Everything can be flipped, seen with this kind of gaze. Or we can fight it the entire way. The result is the same. The obstacle still exists. One just hurts less. The benefit is still there below the surface. 

When people are rude and disrespectful, they underestimate us (a huge advantage), when they are conniving, we don't have to apologize when we make an example out of them. 

The obstacle is not only turned upside down but used as a catapult.

Surviving heartaches and disappointments

The long-awaited Avengers: Endgame has already sold more than double the total advanced tickets of Captain Marvel, The Last Jedi, Aquaman, and Avengers: Infinity War combined. The anticipation and excitement for this movie is simply unmatched. We know the heroes will do do “whatever it takes” to get the job done, which means we shouldn’t be surprised to witness all sorts of heartbreaking moments throughout the film.

We experience heartache, disappointments and curveballs of some kind -caused by a death, a divorce, a breakup, a diagnosis, news of some kind that has shattered life as we know it. All you know is that life looks very different now. It brings you to your knees with shards of glass around your feet.

In my very bones, I understand how you may be feeling. Your heart is completely broken and your dreams no more. With your whole life tipped upside down, you feel numb from the shock and in total disbelief; heavy-hearted and full of dread, you sense a long and desolate journey ahead of you. I know - I felt it, too. You feel odd, as everyone else's lives around you keep going on; yours has been rendered unrecognizable to you. While going through the motions into the unknown, you feel overwhelmed with anxiety and fear.

You're asking, "Who am I now - without this love / this family / this job / this sense of security / this self-image?"

No one is prepared for sudden loss. The rug is pulled from under your feet.

And it's OK to acknowledge that this crisis, this pain, is NOT what you want....but you're going to have to deal with it. Life continues on no matter what. 

You don't get to choose who dies or who leaves you, or what happens to you - even though there are times you may blame yourself and feel guilt for what has happened - but you get to choose how you think and where you put your attention and focus.

Work gave me a place to feel more like myself and the kindness of my colleagues showed me that not all aspects of my life were terrible. After a death of a loved one, when someone goes back to work, grief can interfere with their job performance. These losses could be decreased and the load lightened for people who are grieving if leaders provided time off, flexible and reduced hours, and financial assistance. Providing support is both the compassionate and the wise thing to do.

What I learned is that I have control only over the choices I make every day, beginning with putting my feet on the ground every morning. It all happens in baby steps - one right after the next. With each step, we influence how and when we get back to happy.

And if this seems like an impossible dream right now, we will heal and return to wholeness and joy, however difficult that may sound today. I learned that when life pulls you under, you can kick against the bottom, break the surface, and breathe again.

Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end - - John Lennon

Find your truth tellers

The 2018 World’s 12 Most Powerful Women according to Forbes: Angela Merkel, Theresa May, Christine Lagarde, Mary Barra, Abigail Johnson, Melinda Gates, Susan Wojcicki, Ana Patricia Botin, Marillyn Hewson, Ginni Rometty, Sheryl Sandberg, Gail Boudreaux

I feel fortunate to be surrounded by the most extraordinary women.

I trust my instincts to make decisions and a big part of that is knowing whom I can trust, or whether I can trust anyone at all. Because no matter who you are, part of success means recognizing the people who can help you get where you want to go. I make sure I surround myself with people who are going to be honest with me and look out for my best interests.

There are people who understand their team, environment or processes and are willing to voice their observations. Find these people, keep in regular communication, and let them know you value their observations. 

Trusting others is like giving up control and letting someone else drive, they're in control of where you go and how you get there. I can't sit in the passenger seat unless I am 100% confident I can trust the driver, and one thing I know for sure, is that there are a lot of bad drivers out there.

Surrounding yourself with excellent people is especially challenging when you're successful. Everyone wants to be part of the team. You have to be careful about whom you choose to keep close, and who needs to find a different day job.

A hammer can destroy or it can build; a knife in the wrong hands can kill you, but in a doctor's hands it can heal you. You're only as good as the tools you've chosen. I am meticulous about putting my key people in place; I take a long time to but an ideal team, but when I finally get everyone I need, I stay committed to keeping the team intact.

And my MVP is the one who has the balls to tell me the truth, even when I don't want to hear it.

But highly successful people rarely get to hear the truth; they're surrounded by people who go to tremendous lengths to keep their place in the circle of trust by managing the truth, shovelling polite opinions and puffy compliments, and generally keep the boss happy.

But the boss doesn't always need to be happy. Sometimes he needs an honest smack in the head. You want to be the most valuable player in the circle? Be the one who looks the leader in the eye and tell him what everyone else is afraid to say. He might hate it, he might hate you are saying it, but a true leader knows when he's being set straight. And guaranteed, the next time he needs to know whom he can trust, he'll be looking for you.

There are some who speak, and I have my doubts.

There are others who speak, and I listen.

Then there are the few who speak, and I believe.