Changing the other half

"You have not changed one bit," Danny noted over the steamboat.

A survey of couples who had been married 25 years or more indicated an overwhelming majority (84%) of them too their mates not only for better or worse but as they are. 89% of them, after all their years together, claimed to "strive to accept" their mates just the way they are right now. Apparently those husbands and wives who are happily married recognise the wisdom of accepting their spouses as they are and the futility of seeking perfection and trying to change them.

"That's good for them" Benny said, "but my marriage is not so hot, so what can I do to make mine better?"

This has worked for me, mate. You can start by changing you.

Don't hold grudges

"I remember it happened the day before Valentine's day last year," Sam recalled.

A memory is a wonderful thing. But how many times has one painful memory triggered an argument between you and your spouse?

Holding grudges and refusing to let go of the past is something that can take a toll on any marriage. Unforgiving attitudes can ruin the best of relationships.

Forgiveness is an important part of living together in harmony, but forgetting is not the same as forgiving. I find that talking about feelings of pain can help sort through the pent-up feelings of resentment.

Trading places

"I used to sit by your bedside comforting you when you had your asthma attacks," grandmama recalled. "Now you are sitting by my bedside comforting me."

Grandmama was missing at our Chinese New Year reunion dinner and things are not the same. This was the first reunion dinner ever that she was not present at the table. She was immobile, lying on her bed.

I'm not sure, but I'm willing to guess that each of us has imprinted in our minds a picture of how our parents and/or grandparents looked physically as we grew up and grew older alongside them. I found myself wondering what they had been like before I was born.

What had been their dreams? I felt strange trying to relate those faces, those bodies, those expressions to the elderly parents, grandma I now know. In the time before me, who were they?

We do the elderly as terrible disservice when we forget who they were when they were strong. And of course, I look at my hair and my face and I see changes that frighten me. Not because I'm afraid of growing older, but because I'm afraid of growing irrelevant.

Bernie and gramps

Becoming a warrior

Chloe was awarded our company's outstanding sales award 2008 recently.

Successful soldiers in the corporate battlefield are not just practitioners of a skill, but dedicated warriors. Soldiers expect to endure hardship in the pursuit of victory.

The resolute warrior is not discouraged by momentary failure; nor easily swayed by popular opinion. A resolute attitude is needed to persevere against all odds.

However, I need to highlight a difference here: a man who is only motivated solely by money is a mercenary and not a warrior. A mercenary's loyalty is changeable and driven by self-interest.

Chloe accepting the award with Nadeem (left) and Let (right) looking on

Groom to win

It may be true that beauty is only skin-deep, but the fact remains that the world judges us on our appearance a great deal.

Robert Pante once told me, "If you're going to be a winner, start by looking like one.

I ensure my face project energy, not fatugue. Successful people seldom appear rumpled and sweaty. I try to appear cool, unfuffled and self-confident at all times. Fate has not handed me a nice set of teeth, so I had them professionally crowned.

I dress for maximum success now. My aim is to set myself apart from other people, in a quiet, dignified but unmistakable manner, to show that I am a winner.

Winning in life

I stayed up till 3.30am watching Manchester United beat Everton 1-0 on Sunday morning. This morning's headlines screamed about Magnificent Nadal winning at the Australian Open.

We live in a culture where winning is important. We exult victory and are sad in defeat. Everybody is supposed to love a winner.

There is an event much more important than ever found in the sports pages. It's called life.

What determines us to be winners in life?

To each his own scorecard. To me it's the attainment of security, prosperity, fulfillment, love, peace, harmony and happiness.

Make peace

"Looking back," Christina said over the phone, "there were certainly many milestones in my life."

Any honest look back will recall several things one wishes one would have done differently.

It doesn't help to dwell on those things one did or didn't do in the past.As a family acquantaince said: at that time, you did the very best you could, given your knowledge and experience. You have the benefit of a few years' experience you now, that's why you can see how you might have done things differently.

I always try to come to terms with my past mistakes through grace, accepting them as poignant markers from which I can learn something valuable for the present and future.